Venting Scarred, heart broken and alone

[agony1996]

I haven't posted in a while, you know when you're in so much pain it's hard to even breathe let alone concentrate.
I'm absolutely in agony, in one month I'm going to be in circumstances that I'm going to have to be around many people, when I say many people and due to my trauma that's getting worse everyday.
Unfortunately 3 of these people are my mom and two siblings and I love them to death and it absolutely tears my heart apart at the thought of not seeing them again, I miss them so much because I've been away from them for 6 months and I just want to hug them so tightly and not let go but I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to do that again.
I don't want to die I just want to live without pain, I'm not even asking for happiness because that's a far stretch, I know I will never feel any kind of joy again but I wish I could just live without this emotional pain, it's torture it unbearable I can't take it anymore and I'm so scared the day is approaching and I'm feeling so many different emotions, I'm scared, sad, lonely, I can't speak to anyone about this I only have you guys.
The thought of putting my mom, who's 80 years old and has been the most amazing mother, who has given everything up for us to always make sure we had everything we needed, always protected us and still does her love is immeasurable, I love her to death and she would never survive me ctbing, I have this huge knot in my throat and so much pain, my heart is filled with pain at the very thought of putting her through that.
I'm bawling right now, I'm so scared, in torture emotionally, so confused, so angry at the universe, I hate the universe I don't understand why good people have to go through so much pain, it's so unfair,
I have so much anger inside and just want to explode I just wish I could push a button and be gone, without causing my mom any pain.
I feel so alone with my thoughts I just wanted to share them with you guys.
I'm sorry if I keep rambling I need to let things out now that I have a moment of energy.

 

[Traveller12724]

Hi, I am so sorry you are in so much pain and distress, I wanted to respond so you know you are not alone, we are here for you. Can I ask what caused the over-consuming emotional pain ?

 

[FuneralCry]

It truly is so cruel and terrible to me how there's all this suffering, I'm sorry you are tormented so much in this existence. But anyway I wish you all the best.

 

[agony1996]

Hi, I am so sorry you are in so much pain and distress, I wanted to respond so you know you are not alone, we are here for you. Can I ask what caused the over-consuming emotional pain ?

Thank you it's a long story when I have the energy, if I ever have I will make a post and let everything out.
It feels better to know that I'm not alone

 

[fatladysings]

I haven't posted in a while, you know when you're in so much pain it's hard to even breathe let alone concentrate.
I'm absolutely in agony, in one month I'm going to be in circumstances that I'm going to have to be around many people, when I say many people and due to my trauma that's getting worse everyday.
Unfortunately 3 of these people are my mom and two siblings and I love them to death and it absolutely tears my heart apart at the thought of not seeing them again, I miss them so much because I've been away from them for 6 months and I just want to hug them so tightly and not let go but I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to do that again.
I don't want to die I just want to live without pain, I'm not even asking for happiness because that's a far stretch, I know I will never feel any kind of joy again but I wish I could just live without this emotional pain, it's torture it unbearable I can't take it anymore and I'm so scared the day is approaching and I'm feeling so many different emotions, I'm scared, sad, lonely, I can't speak to anyone about this I only have you guys.
The thought of putting my mom, who's 80 years old and has been the most amazing mother, who has given everything up for us to always make sure we had everything we needed, always protected us and still does her love is immeasurable, I love her to death and she would never survive me ctbing, I have this huge knot in my throat and so much pain, my heart is filled with pain at the very thought of putting her through that.
I'm bawling right now, I'm so scared, in torture emotionally, so confused, so angry at the universe, I hate the universe I don't understand why good people have to go through so much pain, it's so unfair,
I have so much anger inside and just want to explode I just wish I could push a button and be gone, without causing my mom any pain.
I feel so alone with my thoughts I just wanted to share them with you guys.
I'm sorry if I keep rambling I need to let things out now that I have a moment of energy.

So sorry to read your post. You said you just wanted to share your thoughts and I hope you feel a little bit of relief from doing so. I totally understand your feelings about your mum. My mum is 89 years old and she's what is keeping me alive. As soon as she goes, I go.

You said you just want to hug your mum and two siblings so tightly and not let go but you are afraid that you aren't going to be able to do that again - could I ask why not? Do you mean that if you ctb you won't be able to hug them? Hope you don't think I'm being too nosy.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I'm bawling right now, I'm so scared, in torture emotionally, so confused, so angry at the universe, I hate the universe I don't understand why good people have to go through so much pain, it's so unfair,

The universe works weirdly sometimes. For first, something unexpected may go wrong and you may start to stress out about how to fix it, but then there's a solution that is an improvement (for example your old phone temporarily malfunctions so have to you buy a new better one). Or you may feel like some fairy-tale stroke of luck is happening, but you realize that "it was too good to be true".

You may never get a direct answer for the universe as to why certain things may happen, but some observation on "what could have been learned from this" can perhaps help to conclude some facts.

You can also keep in touch with the universe by following synchronizations, astrology, or reading tarot cards. A person is also able to channel guidance from their subconscious by speaking, journaling, or drawing pictures.

The Six of Cups And The Three of Swords Tarot Cards Together

The meaning of the Six of Cups and the Three of Swords cards side by side in a reading. Including correspondences and Golden Dawn astrological meanings.

www.ifate.com

Daily Horoscope, Personal Today's Online Free Horoscope

www.Astro-Seek.com - Seek and meet people born on the same date as you

horoscopes.astro-seek.com

 

[agony1996]

So sorry to read your post. You said you just wanted to share your thoughts and I hope you feel a little bit of relief from doing so. I totally understand your feelings about your mum. My mum is 89 years old and she's what is keeping me alive. As soon as she goes, I go.

You said you just want to hug your mum and two siblings so tightly and not let go but you are afraid that you aren't going to be able to do that again - could I ask why not? Do you mean that if you ctb you won't be able to hug them? Hope you don't think I'm being too nosy.

I'm sorry you're going through this too and I completely empathize with you.
It's heartbreaking. Yes that's what I meant that if I ctb I won't be able to hug them again. Just the thought shatters me.
I admire you for holding on until your mom goes, I truly wish I could do the same but I have a trauma that deals with me not being able to see people anymore, I will write a post about it one day. Thank you for being compassionate