Scared to live, scared to kill myself ..

[cscott]

i truly am scared to wake up each morning & live another day of hell, I truly am scared to do whatever it takes to end this..

The simplest easiest thing is I could just jump from a high cliff and gone. & god knows the pain of living is beyond.

The gapping hole in my chest and my empty brain I feel like I'm being crushed from within.. no one truly knows I AM LOST in a black hole, a void so deep they don't know there just looking at an empty shell because I am truly gone & I share my hate for life but no one truly gets it.

I used to get so excited and look forward to death maybe I've lost so much hope or found it so hard to just execute not even this pleases me anymore. I wanna cry so much & the tears come sometimes but then it hurts, it truly hurts cause it's not tears that help me release anymore only death can truly bring me release now from this deep pain I feel from living.

I sit in the nothingness everyday.. recently I had a friend try to help me & kill my time & look at them & wonder why me ..? It hurts to explain your pain but no matter what they just don't get it .. I'm broken.

I hope I rest soon I feel like I been waiting forever for the end

 

[ImpishIndulgence]

I sit in the nothingness everyday.. recently I had a friend try to help me & kill my time & look at them & wonder why me ..? It hurts to explain your pain but no matter what they just don't get it .. I'm broken.

I feel your emptiness. I remember one time someone asked me what it feels like to be depressed and all I could really tell them was persistent, inescapable darkness. Sometimes I have bouts of amnesia after sleeping for so long where I couldn't remember a dam thing I did the day before. It all feels like a twisted continuum of misery.

 

[cscott]

I feel your emptiness. I remember one time someone asked me what it feels like to be depressed and all I could really tell them was persistent, inescapable darkness. Sometimes I have bouts of amnesia after sleeping for so long where I couldn't remember a dam thing I did the day before. It all feels like a twisted continuum of misery.

i swear I never knew a human could ever reach a level like this. It's indescribable, like u said it's a inescapable darkness.. I truly wonder how I still function and put on a brave face when I feel like I'm being eaten alive from within.

Like the pain is a silent crushing feeling. Even when I sleep I still feel beyond tired. I too genuinely just forget the days anything I might do, or memories of the past.
It literally is like being a human empty void

 

[lita-lassi]

not too long ago i was stuck with a black hole sensation in my chest, it was physically painful how full of total despair i was, unable to uncurl from a fetal position or stop crying for hours, feeling like this omniscient black THING was crushing me from within. i wouldve given anything for an exit button. this has been going on for so many years at various extremes, never truly lifting unless i get so intoxicated im no longer "me". im so sorry youre experiencing your own version of this agony and i hope you find some kind of peace

 

[Lys_C15H25N3O_d3]

The few people still around seem to "think they know whats best for me" and other times, that they "don't know what else to do and they're sick as well" that includes the only parent , which would'd rather think a mental hospital is a fitting end and a clean conscience. (since the place im at , a rented dump (my fault really) is like 1km away from her house

How do you say? its a "no-brainer";


being scared screaming hallucinating saying delusional things and waking up surrounded by law enforcement and ambulances, tasers and handcuffs, why? well i constantly kept away lousy paramedics answering to overxagerrated calls to "hospitalize me" . thing is, mental disorders have genetic backgrounds. can i blame my mother for calling the cops on me because of parasomnia and PTSD days after discharged from the ICU ? (a stupid accident in which its surgery caused a sepsis followed by pneumonia and induced coma. it should have ended there)

instead the so-called "miracle" or "it wasnt my turn" simply dragged into a struggle , brain damage, i hadnt thought about death since i was a teenager. but dealing with misdiagnosed index of psychopathologies + this brain damage/parasomnia/ptsd




Never thought it was "the goverment" whos helping through a support only people who are disabled, over 70 (retired or have contributed at least some years to welfare , who live alone and are unable to care for themselves)
While genetical issues, drugs (from those prescribed for adhd to every other, and the same psychopaths who prescribe them also have the guts to call them "gateway drugs" - ask for means to difficult access.. increase its price, but prescribe to as much ppl you can (sounds like a scam?) those all contributed to brain damage. to be brief. Even birth is considered a trauma "by the perspective you cease to have your needs sated by the cordon, you have to be fed, to develop means to exist in an external environment - Is that why some say "Birth is the 1st Trauma?" it might be; but youre practically unconscious after existing for only 10 minutes . and 30 years after?


The fact you had been conscious before "boarding the space bus" (you really don't question anynothing its bliss, if id reproduce the experience with graphic animation,, its like an empty grid... not even spatial notion of axis X Y Z nothing "earthly" is applicable, nor necessary...




but nothing compares to being "stuck and dragged back to this world again"
Its like being "born" again.. after weeks your speech is assessed. you repeat vowels, sounds. then again with crackers on the mouth , water with weird powder they say "thickens the water to prevent choking or drowning"



but we're talking about pharmaceutical companies. what are human souls compared to billions? 3 human lives "isnt" considered a "pair number" in their trials and reports we are statistics. those phase-2 double blind tests before market release is like a.. rite of passage/formality



It is said that "once you lose everything you free" but you know whats the worst fear ? even after departing... waking up again at ICU... all over again... like a terrible low-budget amateur movie with an unscripted cliche ending
With such odds.. can any "youtube lifecoach guru" (life couch) convince anyone who knows what that is like to carry on? until your discerment/thinking capacity is neutralized by neuroleptics and mood stabilizers? kids undergoing residence, or basically finishing nursery or med school see you as their "exam board" they learn and perfect practices of drug administration (I.M I.V) and your fate is settled.


What seems scarier? experiences we've already had or unknown ones? such questions have no absolute answers.. who's going to make the final call? based on guesses; be it "scientifical, spiritual, humanely" ? If not me, while i can, then who?


we are born and we die alone, but in this "nothingness" perceived , be assured "youre not alone". - 6:28am 9/29/23

 

[FuneralCry]

I hate how it's so difficult to die and I get that it's so horrible feeling trapped here, it really should be much more straightforward to find true relief from this existence. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the peace you search for.