Scared to ctb but hate life

[Braindead Atheist]

Hey guys so I thought going out with my friends would make me feel better tonight but it didn't. Idk, the energy just delt different. On top of that I found out a friend of a friend talked crap about me when I was drunk.

I thought people had matured since I was on high school. They still call me things like, loud, obnoxious, annoying.etc like I have fucking adhd. My mom was saying I need to change because I shouldn't have habits that drive people away. Like why is it my problem that people are fucked up, judgy and condescending?! And she also wants to keep being friends with the family of my ex best friend. The very one who selfishly stopped being my friend for me wanting to end things. My mom sympathizes with her logic and even stands up for them when I vent about them. I thought my mom was a safe place, but she's a real bitch. My dad is crap too and you know what?! This whole damn world is crap.

Huff....

As far as what keeps me from ending things; I do still have tumbling and art....sort of... tumbling can be dissapointing because to do a good job I have to be mentally and physically in it 100%. I have to walk myself through it before I do the skill(trying for an aerial) and sometimes it's more like I'm watching myself do it from behind rather than my own veiw point and that throws things off.

While other times, I'm tired or my intuition and muscle memory are off. I tried for 6 months for that fucking skill. But goddamnit...it was another dissapointment. I feel really good when I get close and being in the air feels empowering. But it's never consistent. It never lasts.

Art is fun until I get bored of the medium I'm using or run out of money and resources...food just makes me fat...

I just wish for once I could have something...at the very LEAST control over my weight or a brain that does its damn job... Its likely almost everyone finds me weird, annoying/obnoxious/impulsive/ overly free spirited. Etc

People can put on a nice face and act but they all are just secretly judgemental, backstabbing, trash talking bullies with a hidden agenda. No one understands, and people would get over it if I did this.

but at the same time I'm really scared. I almost did it a month ago and got scared because of the painful pressure in my head, face and neck(blood choke) also its just oblivion after this. No life or consciousness after death. Maybe it's time to call it quits. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish heaven were real and I could go there and enjoy existing for once.

I seriously feel like I'm going to gag on this shit sandwich of a life.

 

[FuneralCry]

In this life other people can certainly make things worse for us when we are already suffering enough. It's unfortunately just the way that people are and I get that it can be so awful having to endure a life that you hate. But yes ctb is certainly not easy. That method scares me as well, If I tried to attempt something like that I would fear it failing which would just cause more pain to be experienced. In a world like this ctb really is so unnecessarily difficult, of course it should be easier. I personally find comfort in the thought of permanent non existence.
I wish you the best.