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i am so lainpilled :3 (? days left)
- Apr 15, 2023
- 248
I've been in deep emotional pain for many, many years and have wanted to actively die for most of my life. I've had a very troubled childhood and adolescence during which I used to try to strangle myself in my sleep and would constantly try to overdose in the school bathrooms or in my room. I used to break shaving razors and sharpeners to use the blades for SH. There was a point where I was virtually attempting everyday. I would start off every year hopeful with excellent grades which would then progressively get worse throughout the year. I would cry my way to the bus stop after suffering verbal abuse from my so-called mother only to have to suffer through severe social anxiety at school.
The education system is not forgiving to people like me and I recall numerous times where I would be put on behaviour plans for being unable to complete or be part of specific activities and mind you, I used to speak less than five words a day and obviously could have never been that much of a disruption. I went to a very bad secondary school which only worsened my anxiety and the only place I felt secure was in a school bathroom stall but eventually I got caught and forced to sit elsewhere which led to me being harassed for sitting alone and in turn, led to me attending school less and less. I've tried to run away numerous times and would constantly fantasise about being kidnapped and taken someplace else. Throughout this, I had not a single friend and was regularly beaten at home and eventually subjected to religious abuse when I started retaliating against her attacks. For years, I have dealt with being the subject of ostracisation and abuse from family, teachers and peers. I used to be so hopeful and optimistic but it has all broken me down to the point of no return. I have always just felt so broken and alone and I genuinely believe that my brain is permanently damaged due to years of being attacked violently and bashed in the head as well as my frequent suicide attempts.
I recall a point where I contacted a suicide hotline after being attacked by her (and was left with injuries) and police showed up. Terrified, I denied ever saying anything since if I did she would have most definitely been criminally charged which would've led to my sister's life being severely disrupted (mind you, I didn't care what happened to me but I was terrified for her). In return, I watched the cop and my mother basically have a "Kids, am I right? So ungrateful" moment and since then I have remained highly distrustful of authority figures. After this transpired, I was shown this clip from some random television show:
.
I should mention that these attacks often occurred over late bedwetting, social difficulties, honest mistakes/accidents and just over random problems she would invent out of nowhere. I was only nine years old.
Since then, I have never ever even attempted to report any form of abuse dealt towards me by anyone and not even when she tried to kill me (as in being strangled, burnt, punched in the head, scratched etc). Most of my life has been spent denying the abuse of others, no matter how severe, just because I didn't want to ruin their lives and what do I get in return? I get treated like the "boy who cried wolf" and no justice whatsoever. Now she tries to act all fake warm to me as if she didn't mistreat me when I still saw her as a protective figure. As if she didn't make me fear for my life on numerous occasions. I'm just so sick.
I've exhausted every last option and nothing seems to help as the only person I hate more than my mother is myself. I view myself as vermin to be exterminated. I am disgusted with what I am and barely even consider myself human at this point. I am a worthless creature damaged beyond repair and the only way out is death. There is nothing on this planet that can fix someone who barely understands what it's like to be loved and valued. I have longed to be taken out of my misery for so many years now but now that I'm so close, I can't help but burst into tears. It's like I can see my entire life as a third person observer. The story of a young girl who wanted nothing more than to be loved and to be normal. Who wanted nothing more but the opportunity to grow up and achieve her dreams. All cut short by a system that consistently failed her. It's just so tragic and part of me wants to intervene in the hopes that things improve just so the story of that "young girl" doesn't end here but there is nothing left for me.
The unknown terrifies me greatly but there is no option but death. My prolonged psychological and spiritual damage is irreversible and I will never be compatible with this society. I can only see a future of tragedy and abuse ahead of me. I never deserved any of this. I stupidly caved in and somewhat disclosed my plans to CTB to someone and they seemed somewhat concerned but I'm not sure they understand the severity of my thought process. I'm still going to do it this week (or at the very least, next week) but may have to tread carefully and slightly adjust my timing so I don't get disrupted. Some fear being forgotten after death but seeing as I'm already forgotten in my life, that part doesn't bother me as much.
This place has provided a great source of comfort for me in my final days and I am eternally grateful for this forum. Before I pass, I'm definitely planning on making a heartfelt goodbye post in which I reflect upon the less depressing aspects of my existence and what I wanted out of life. I just hope at least one person on here remembers me for who I was and that I never wanted to truly die but had no other choice.
The education system is not forgiving to people like me and I recall numerous times where I would be put on behaviour plans for being unable to complete or be part of specific activities and mind you, I used to speak less than five words a day and obviously could have never been that much of a disruption. I went to a very bad secondary school which only worsened my anxiety and the only place I felt secure was in a school bathroom stall but eventually I got caught and forced to sit elsewhere which led to me being harassed for sitting alone and in turn, led to me attending school less and less. I've tried to run away numerous times and would constantly fantasise about being kidnapped and taken someplace else. Throughout this, I had not a single friend and was regularly beaten at home and eventually subjected to religious abuse when I started retaliating against her attacks. For years, I have dealt with being the subject of ostracisation and abuse from family, teachers and peers. I used to be so hopeful and optimistic but it has all broken me down to the point of no return. I have always just felt so broken and alone and I genuinely believe that my brain is permanently damaged due to years of being attacked violently and bashed in the head as well as my frequent suicide attempts.
I recall a point where I contacted a suicide hotline after being attacked by her (and was left with injuries) and police showed up. Terrified, I denied ever saying anything since if I did she would have most definitely been criminally charged which would've led to my sister's life being severely disrupted (mind you, I didn't care what happened to me but I was terrified for her). In return, I watched the cop and my mother basically have a "Kids, am I right? So ungrateful" moment and since then I have remained highly distrustful of authority figures. After this transpired, I was shown this clip from some random television show:
.
I should mention that these attacks often occurred over late bedwetting, social difficulties, honest mistakes/accidents and just over random problems she would invent out of nowhere. I was only nine years old.
Since then, I have never ever even attempted to report any form of abuse dealt towards me by anyone and not even when she tried to kill me (as in being strangled, burnt, punched in the head, scratched etc). Most of my life has been spent denying the abuse of others, no matter how severe, just because I didn't want to ruin their lives and what do I get in return? I get treated like the "boy who cried wolf" and no justice whatsoever. Now she tries to act all fake warm to me as if she didn't mistreat me when I still saw her as a protective figure. As if she didn't make me fear for my life on numerous occasions. I'm just so sick.
I've exhausted every last option and nothing seems to help as the only person I hate more than my mother is myself. I view myself as vermin to be exterminated. I am disgusted with what I am and barely even consider myself human at this point. I am a worthless creature damaged beyond repair and the only way out is death. There is nothing on this planet that can fix someone who barely understands what it's like to be loved and valued. I have longed to be taken out of my misery for so many years now but now that I'm so close, I can't help but burst into tears. It's like I can see my entire life as a third person observer. The story of a young girl who wanted nothing more than to be loved and to be normal. Who wanted nothing more but the opportunity to grow up and achieve her dreams. All cut short by a system that consistently failed her. It's just so tragic and part of me wants to intervene in the hopes that things improve just so the story of that "young girl" doesn't end here but there is nothing left for me.
The unknown terrifies me greatly but there is no option but death. My prolonged psychological and spiritual damage is irreversible and I will never be compatible with this society. I can only see a future of tragedy and abuse ahead of me. I never deserved any of this. I stupidly caved in and somewhat disclosed my plans to CTB to someone and they seemed somewhat concerned but I'm not sure they understand the severity of my thought process. I'm still going to do it this week (or at the very least, next week) but may have to tread carefully and slightly adjust my timing so I don't get disrupted. Some fear being forgotten after death but seeing as I'm already forgotten in my life, that part doesn't bother me as much.
This place has provided a great source of comfort for me in my final days and I am eternally grateful for this forum. Before I pass, I'm definitely planning on making a heartfelt goodbye post in which I reflect upon the less depressing aspects of my existence and what I wanted out of life. I just hope at least one person on here remembers me for who I was and that I never wanted to truly die but had no other choice.
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