Hey Everyone
I haven't been here in ages, but when it all comes down to it I know this is the one place that I will not only be met with empathy but complete understanding as some are going through a very similar thing.
I had a major attempt a while ago with an overdose and failed but it is literally a miracle I'm here and was on life support ect ect. And really mentally suffered coming round and still re live it every day. That will haunt me forever and I can't change that.
it really shook me up what I went through and scared me stiff, I was still miserable but knew I couldn't put myself in a situation like that again. As I was lucky. However I was still in major depression at my parents and couldn't even see it.
I spent the majority of last year planning it and had it all set. I came up with what I would hope as 99% accurate plan if done correctly. I had never planned anything before it had always been impulse.
Anyway I set my date and I started to feel better as the date loomed closer and closer and I thought its because I knew I did not have to suffer anymore. But the date came and I couldn't do it and I couldn't understand it, all that misery and despair and awful nightmares.
Cut a long story short roughly a short while after it turned out there had been a mix up at the dispenser and I had been taking higher antidepressants that I thought.
I then felt like I had been saved yet again by some miracle. But it scared me stiff to know I wouldn't have messed up. I also have that plan and there's no erasing that out my mind.
I feel like I've been on a high recently and full of energy and I loved it, it certainly beats crying all day. But I felt it wearing off and got scared and changed it again. But now I'm really scared as I can't just keep increasing it everytime this high is running out.
It's probably a bit of mania hypomania but not too noticeable because of how depressed I was if that makes sense. But it wearing off floored me for days it was awful. So what do I do when I'm at my limit I'm actually a bit worried
But on the other hand I can't get rid of my plan because what if something unthinkable happens to all my family or something or me and I need a exit. It's a good safety net. I've tried to put my own measures in place to slow myself down if impulsive ever took over but I don't know how much slowing down it would cause.
Then I've asked for help and the mental health system are shocking I was honest and told them the truth as I wanted support. As what I've noticed when I have a major dip I can't cope and just need someone to talk too and within 24 hours or less it's like nothing happened. But I can do a lot of damage in 24 hours too. I also refuse to talk to the helplines of strangers and any other strangers at a&e or wherever. I also refuse to drag my family into it further as they've been through enough and this can be a regular accurrence. But despite everything that's happened the mental health team have refused to help me and I'm apparently fine without there help.
Like really?
Physiatrist said well you've gotten this far. Ermmm hello did you loose the pages in the folder about life support ect ect. I'm asking for support so nothing like that happens again.
Then I sit back and I look at it all and think what am I doing am I just delaying the inevitable or what by trying at life so to speak. Then that scares me.
I know it is a daft thing to say but anyone who takes the time to read this I hope your okay today :)
I haven't been here in ages, but when it all comes down to it I know this is the one place that I will not only be met with empathy but complete understanding as some are going through a very similar thing.
I had a major attempt a while ago with an overdose and failed but it is literally a miracle I'm here and was on life support ect ect. And really mentally suffered coming round and still re live it every day. That will haunt me forever and I can't change that.
it really shook me up what I went through and scared me stiff, I was still miserable but knew I couldn't put myself in a situation like that again. As I was lucky. However I was still in major depression at my parents and couldn't even see it.
I spent the majority of last year planning it and had it all set. I came up with what I would hope as 99% accurate plan if done correctly. I had never planned anything before it had always been impulse.
Anyway I set my date and I started to feel better as the date loomed closer and closer and I thought its because I knew I did not have to suffer anymore. But the date came and I couldn't do it and I couldn't understand it, all that misery and despair and awful nightmares.
Cut a long story short roughly a short while after it turned out there had been a mix up at the dispenser and I had been taking higher antidepressants that I thought.
I then felt like I had been saved yet again by some miracle. But it scared me stiff to know I wouldn't have messed up. I also have that plan and there's no erasing that out my mind.
I feel like I've been on a high recently and full of energy and I loved it, it certainly beats crying all day. But I felt it wearing off and got scared and changed it again. But now I'm really scared as I can't just keep increasing it everytime this high is running out.
It's probably a bit of mania hypomania but not too noticeable because of how depressed I was if that makes sense. But it wearing off floored me for days it was awful. So what do I do when I'm at my limit I'm actually a bit worried
But on the other hand I can't get rid of my plan because what if something unthinkable happens to all my family or something or me and I need a exit. It's a good safety net. I've tried to put my own measures in place to slow myself down if impulsive ever took over but I don't know how much slowing down it would cause.
Then I've asked for help and the mental health system are shocking I was honest and told them the truth as I wanted support. As what I've noticed when I have a major dip I can't cope and just need someone to talk too and within 24 hours or less it's like nothing happened. But I can do a lot of damage in 24 hours too. I also refuse to talk to the helplines of strangers and any other strangers at a&e or wherever. I also refuse to drag my family into it further as they've been through enough and this can be a regular accurrence. But despite everything that's happened the mental health team have refused to help me and I'm apparently fine without there help.
Like really?
Physiatrist said well you've gotten this far. Ermmm hello did you loose the pages in the folder about life support ect ect. I'm asking for support so nothing like that happens again.
Then I sit back and I look at it all and think what am I doing am I just delaying the inevitable or what by trying at life so to speak. Then that scares me.
I know it is a daft thing to say but anyone who takes the time to read this I hope your okay today :)
