Scared of resuscitation

[somedaybutnottoday]

I want to die, but I'm scared my ICD will fire and restart my heart if I take all my heart medication. I want to tell my therapist about my suicidal thoughts, but I can't. I'll probably be in a psych ward or dead by the end of the week. I have a son by a terrible person, but I'm not much better. I'm a used up whore who will never be loved, only confined to rooms where men who don't love me will come in and pretend to.

My mind just plays a 3rd person view of my body in the bathtub and my kid's dad walking in the bathroom. It's comforting because it means I won, that he couldn't own me, couldn't force me into being a family anymore.

He deserves to be traumatized and abandoned after everything he's done to traumatize me and refuse to let me go. He'll break and call his mom who knows what a piece of shit he is. He lied on her to keep me in a relationship with him.

I would leave separate notes for him and my son. Something short and bitter for my kid's dad, like Hope you learned your lesson and something encouraging and meaningful for my son.

I want to finally do it so bad. I count out my medication and do math to total up the milligrams when I'm overwhelmed.

I'm scared my device will fire once my heart slows to a stop and resuscitate me. I'm scared I'll have a stroke or end up in a coma. Scared I'll be brain-damaged if it fails.

My doctors worked so hard to keep me alive and I just want to throw it all away. Physically, I'm getting better. Mentally, I'm just getting worse.

Nobody's ever attempted suicide with an ICD before.

 

[ZwartHartje]

Just on the practical/medical side of this, I think it might be better if you use a different method other than your heart medication, one that doesn't target the heart but cuts the oxygen supply to your body and brain in different ways, such as suffocation, e.g. from hanging, drowning, SN, etc.
In this way the ICD wouldn't be able to resuscitate you.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation, and I hope you'll find peace and freedom.

 

[somedaybutnottoday]

Just on the practical/medical side of this, I think it might be better if you use a different method other than your heart medication, one that doesn't target the heart but cuts the oxygen supply to your body and brain in different ways, such as suffocation, e.g. from hanging, drowning, SN, etc.
In this way the ICD wouldn't be able to resuscitate you.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation, and I hope you'll find peace and freedom.

Thank you

 

[pax420]

Hey, sorry life has brought you to this point. I don't know enough of your situation to say I understand what you went through but I've also got an icd implanted. Unfortunately you are also stuck with trying to come up with a ctb plan that involves an icb fireing off. Mine goes off once or twice a week already. I had a perfect plan to ctb, day, place, time, method, and I even have the stuff needed to do it. My plan involved some travel and at the time I wasn't able to go so I put it off for two months. Two months was too long. My medical condition took a turn for the worse now I'm in afib all of the time, I'm in stage 4 heart failure, and my ef fraction is at 10% now. They put me on hospice last week and give me 6 months to live. For once in my life I don't have an answer. The choice was taken from me and now I don't know what to do. I messed around and waited to long. My biggest fear was being stuck in a bed having somebody take care of me. On life support. I'm not to that point yet but before I end up like that I will find some way to go out peacefully with dignity. I can't tell you much about your situation but know there is somebody who is in a similar boat as yours and if you need to talk or ask questions feel free to dm, I'm, or whatever it's called me. I hope you find a solution to your problems and find peace of mind.