Scared of drinking SN - am I the only one?

[Wrennie]

Holy cow - Your second paragraph scared me to the core. Unbearable neuropathic pain is what led me to this site in the first place. Can you tell me what you know about post-hypoxic nerve damage and SN?

I recall a user on here mentioning he lost feeling in his fingers after an SN attempt and it took over a year for him to regain sensation. I have demyelinating polyneuropathy, so it's likely that my nerves wouldn't regenerate like a healthy person's would. There was *potentially* a medical report that made mention of SN-induced nerve damage but I don't remember the specifics or where I found it. I just have read that hypoxia in general (irrespective of SN ingestion) can induce polyneuropathy.

 

[Ta555]

Oh yeah, I hear you. I would drink Nembutal pretty fast as well. That's the gold standard for sure. Sodium Nitrite, even with all the additional pills, is still a poison. It is often referred to as the poor man's Nembutal. Still, better than some of the more violent methods, in my opinion.

Well idk...maybe I'd rather take some physical pain than the horrible anxiety of SN...benzos and drowning or benzos and hanging idk... Nausea is a very big anxiety trigger for me plus the feeling dizzy and horrible for 20-30 mins...like this is the kind of thing on trying to escape with CTB. If hanging or drowning were less painful I would've already done it too.

 

[BrokenBliss]

I recall a user on here mentioning he lost feeling in his fingers after an SN attempt and it took over a year for him to regain sensation. I have demyelinating polyneuropathy, so it's likely that my nerves wouldn't regenerate like a healthy person's would. There was *potentially* a medical report that made mention of SN-induced nerve damage but I don't remember the specifics or where I found it. I just have read that hypoxia in general (irrespective of SN ingestion) can induce polyneuropathy.

Thanks so much for that info. I will research this as I figure things out. Nervous systems suck don't they.

 

[Wrennie]

Thanks so much for that info. I will research this as I figure things out. Nervous systems suck don't they.

I feel you 100%. Mine is totally failing me in my twenties. So sorry that you're having to deal with anything remotely similar in nature.

 

[BrokenBliss]

I feel you 100%. Mine is totally failing me in my twenties. So sorry that you're having to deal with anything remotely similar in nature.

That's exactly how I see it. Failed by. Betrayed. Mine is the result of an injury and what I learned was the body's response to protect me. I don't think torture without end falls under that definition. You're younger than me, tho. It's hard to know how to feel about things, isn't it. Hugs back to you, Wrennie.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I'm terrified of ingesting SN to the point that if I dwell on the thought for too long, I burst into tears. I lack other options though: N is unaffordable, I have chronic illnesses and disabilities that make methods requiring any level of dexterity or strength difficult and I need a method that is discreet, reliable and "easy" (physically) to do.

I do not know how my body will realistically respond. I would like to believe that it will be a relatively painless experience and it's definitely more peaceful than throwing myself in front of a train, which I almost did prior to discovering SS. However, it is hard to say if any of my illnesses or my digestive issues could result in more pain than anticipated. Despite suffering in so much pain, knowing there is no cure for my ailments and recognising that I will continue to deteriorate for as long as I live, I nevertheless fear swallowing SN and then changing my mind, panicking and not being able to do anything but watch myself slowly die.

I know that this is my survival instinct perfectly performing its role, but that understanding is of no consolation. It is not death itself that I fear, it is the dying process. I wish I knew that I would die peacefully. I don't want to die alone, afraid and in pain. I wish I didn't have to. I am awaiting the day that my desperation eventually overpowers my fear. I am sure it will - my suicide is not a matter of "if," but "when."

I'm sorry that you - and others here - are scared too.

 

[Wrennie]

That's exactly how I see it. Failed by. Betrayed. Mine is the result of an injury and what I learned was the body's response to protect me. I don't think torture without end falls under that definition. You're younger than me, tho. It's hard to know how to feel about things, isn't it. Hugs back to you, Wrennie.

It truly is hard to make sense of how to feel.
Pain is pain though, irrespective of age. It's tragic to hear that you're suffering too. Thanks for the hugs, I appreciate it!

 

[clown_17]

I have drank SN. I was terrified of how real it was so I had it shelved for over a year. Eventually I just caved though. And yes, it was terrifying. SN isn't as peaceful as it's made out to be. Although I wouldn't describe it as painful. If anything it was a very disorienting experience. Your mind feels very cloudy which is a shame as it would be nice to be fully present in the last moments to really reflect.

There's no such thing as a peaceful sendoff (unless you have the perfect combo of painkillers and sedatives). It's just something you have to accept. The scariest part id imagine is knowing that you're actually going to die. Survival instinct will kick in regardless of how badly you want to die and you'll spend your last moments agonizing over the decision you just made. That's how it was for me.

I was lucky to survive.

 

[Foresight]

Battling SI with a disoriented mind for who knows how long does not sound like my cup of tea. SN just seems awful to me.

I'd take a well planned out CO, N, and even short suspension hanging over it.

Why has CO moved out of favor? At least you don't need to drink anything. A nice tent or car? I haven't looked into it much because I got my eyes on the golden ticket N.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I have drank SN. I was terrified of how real it was so I had it shelved for over a year. Eventually I just caved though. And yes, it was terrifying. SN isn't as peaceful as it's made out to be. Although I wouldn't describe it as painful. If anything it was a very disorienting experience. Your mind feels very cloudy which is a shame as it would be nice to be fully present in the last moments to really reflect.

There's no such thing as a peaceful sendoff (unless you have the perfect combo of painkillers and sedatives). It's just something you have to accept. The scariest part id imagine is knowing that you're actually going to die. Survival instinct will kick in regardless of how badly you want to die and you'll spend your last moments agonizing over the decision you just made. That's how it was for me.

I was lucky to survive.

How did you survive? Even with all that disorientation, one would hope it'd follow with eternal peace (speaking for myself).

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I recall a user on here mentioning he lost feeling in his fingers after an SN attempt and it took over a year for him to regain sensation. I have demyelinating polyneuropathy, so it's likely that my nerves wouldn't regenerate like a healthy person's would. There was *potentially* a medical report that made mention of SN-induced nerve damage but I don't remember the specifics or where I found it. I just have read that hypoxia in general (irrespective of SN ingestion) can induce polyneuropathy.

I took it before and it didn't cause any irreversible damage though. But I was unable to take the full dose as it's really really salty and I was rescued within an hour. I supposed if I was left to die, I'd die within 2 hours - at least that's what the doctors told me, that I nearly died.

I have drank SN. I was terrified of how real it was so I had it shelved for over a year. Eventually I just caved though. And yes, it was terrifying. SN isn't as peaceful as it's made out to be. Although I wouldn't describe it as painful. If anything it was a very disorienting experience. Your mind feels very cloudy which is a shame as it would be nice to be fully present in the last moments to really reflect.

There's no such thing as a peaceful sendoff (unless you have the perfect combo of painkillers and sedatives). It's just something you have to accept. The scariest part id imagine is knowing that you're actually going to die. Survival instinct will kick in regardless of how badly you want to die and you'll spend your last moments agonizing over the decision you just made. That's how it was for me.

I was lucky to survive.

What happened to make you survive? I hope you are ok now..

 

[Arot]

I took it before and it didn't cause any irreversible damage though. But I was unable to take the full dose as it's really really salty and I was rescued within an hour. I supposed if I was left to die, I'd die within 2 hours - at least that's what the doctors told me, that I nearly died.

What happened to make you survive? I hope you are ok now..

sorry if this question is kinda personal but did they put you on psych ward?

 

[PDAnnie2610]

sorry if this question is kinda personal but did they put you on psych ward?

No. They thought it to be accidental poisoning from certain food. Thankfully...

 

[demuic]

Ultimately everyone's individual biochemistry will respond to things differently.

What some people might describe as "unbearable," others might be able to easily shrug off. In the same way all of the reasons that bring someone to this site are personal in the pain they give to the individual.

Not to mention, most people when they are attempting are going to be in a heightened state of emotions or anxiety, which will amplify every little discomfort and SI can bring about a state of uncertainty or regret toward your decision in the moment. Those who report back on the effects are naturally only the ones who failed for one reason or another. (There have been cases of third parties who witnessed someone CTB by SN report on their subjective judgement of whether they felt it was painful or not, but they were not the ones who took SN.) Those who were not so bothered by the effects would be less likely to ask for help (assuming they were not interrupted against their will and that they were able to take the entire amount) And there is also the consideration of following the SN regime in its entirety, which will also help it be more peaceful, that fewer people choose to do.

Based on what I have seen, I consider it to be a peaceful method in comparison to the alternatives, though others have come to a different conclusion.

I feel many users make a mistake in trying to hold every method to an near unattainable gold standard of being 100% peaceful, with 0 discomfort, 0 permanent or even temporary damage if failed, on top of being easy to access and prepare for. Pretty much nothing will check all of those boxes, not even N (being that the price and limited vendors are primary barriers to that method).

I think if someone is too scared of a method itself, SI will undoubtedly impede them even more and make the experience more painful, psychologically or otherwise, then it should be. In that case, one should either find some way to assuage their fears, or find another method.

I am willing to experience the effects that I have seen most commonly in SN CTB. Others might not be. That's a choice you have to make. Just ensure you can gather as much factual information as you can.

 

[BrokenBliss]

Not to be glib, but research is your friend.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Ultimately everyone's individual biochemistry will respond to things differently.

What some people might describe as "unbearable," others might be able to easily shrug off. In the same way all of the reasons that bring someone to this site are personal in the pain they give to the individual.

Not to mention, most people when they are attempting are going to be in a heightened state of emotions or anxiety, which will amplify every little discomfort and SI can bring about a state of uncertainty or regret toward your decision in the moment. Those who report back on the effects are naturally only the ones who failed for one reason or another. (There have been cases of third parties who witnessed someone CTB by SN report on their subjective judgement of whether they felt it was painful or not, but they were not the ones who took SN.) Those who were not so bothered by the effects would be less likely to ask for help (assuming they were not interrupted against their will and that they were able to take the entire amount) And there is also the consideration of following the SN regime in its entirety, which will also help it be more peaceful, that fewer people choose to do.

Based on what I have seen, I consider it to be a peaceful method in comparison to the alternatives, though others have come to a different conclusion.

I feel many users make a mistake in trying to hold every method to an near unattainable gold standard of being 100% peaceful, with 0 discomfort, 0 permanent or even temporary damage if failed, on top of being easy to access and prepare for. Pretty much nothing will check all of those boxes, not even N (being that the price and limited vendors are primary barriers to that method).

I think if someone is too scared of a method itself, SI will undoubtedly impede them even more and make the experience more painful, psychologically or otherwise, then it should be. In that case, one should either find some way to assuage their fears, or find another method.

I am willing to experience the effects that I have seen most commonly in SN CTB. Others might not be. That's a choice you have to make. Just ensure you can gather as much factual information as you can.

Brilliant comment. Thanks.

 

[GentleJerk]

I'm scared to drink N let alone SN…

Same!

Some people with SN who are scared, say that if they had N instead they could ctb today with no problems or fear. Maybe some people can. I can understand thinking this way but I dare say in reality it's often not so simple.

Even facing unbearable chronic illness that gets worse everyday, and having something like N which is supposed to be the best way to go, it's still extremely scary. I was looking into other methods before I was lucky enough to secure N, I thought for sure having it would make everything easier... Not a day goes by that I don't run through the scenario in my head of actually drinking the N, and it fills me with dread.

Meanwhile the everyday horror of illness and what the future will bring fills me with dread too, yet that doesn't make it any easier for me. Maybe it can't be helped sometimes or maybe I'm just a bit of a coward ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You are most certainly not the only one OP.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Same!

Some people with SN who are scared, say that if they had N instead they could ctb today with no problems or fear. Maybe some people can. I can understand thinking this way but I dare say in reality it's often not so simple.

Even facing unbearable chronic illness that gets worse everyday, and having something like N which is supposed to be the best way to go, it's still extremely scary. I was looking into other methods before I was lucky enough to secure N, I thought for sure having it would make everything easier... Not a day goes by that I don't run through the scenario in my head of actually drinking the N, and it fills me with dread.

Meanwhile the everyday horror of illness and what the future will bring fills me with dread too, yet that doesn't make it any easier for me. Maybe it can't be helped sometimes or maybe I'm just a bit of a coward ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You are most certainly not the only one OP.

Wow that's interesting. I really, strongly think having N would mean I wouldn't be scared to take it.

I think it is helpful internalizing that it is more peaceful than almost any way humans die. 99% is a rough guess lol based on no statistics.

 

[grungeCat]

I'm more scared of dying itself than drinking SN tbh. Death is a one-way ticket and there will be no way to turn back. My biggest fear is that some kind of God exists and I will be punished for not believing in them. Or that some kind of afterlife exists and my problems will not end.

I actually survived an SN attempt and actually it's not that bad as I imagined. I will definitely try again if I get ready. You pass out quickly and it's relatively painless. The feeling of dizziness is similar to being mildly drunk. Nausea and vomitting are surely the most uncomfortable elements of SN poisioning but they're not unbearable. Once you vomit you get an instant relief which lasts until you pass out. Imo the worst thing is to endure extremely salty taste of SN. However you can practice with drinking solutions of regular salt and trying not to throw up. After a few attempts you get used to salty taste and get rid of gag reflex.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I'm more scared of dying itself than drinking SN tbh. Death is a one-way ticket and there will be no way to turn back. My biggest fear is that some kind of God exists and I will be punished for not believing in them. Or that some kind of afterlife exists and my problems will not end.

I actually survived an SN attempt and actually it's not that bad as I imagined. I will definitely try again if I get ready. You pass out quickly and it's relatively painless. The feeling of dizziness is similar to being mildly drunk. Nausea and vomitting are surely the most uncomfortable elements of SN poisioning but they're not unbearable. Once you vomit you get an instant relief which lasts until you pass out. Imo the worst thing is to endure extremely salty taste of SN. However you can practice with drinking solutions of regular salt and trying not to throw up. After a few attempts you get used to salty taste and get rid of gag reflex.

Thanks for the tip.

 

[Depressed Cat]

I'm with you and everyone else who feels so. SN is not exactly an easy way to go. I wish I could have got N instead of SN. N is indeed the gold standard when it comes to a "peaceful pill".

With SN, even if one follows the protocol, the nausea, vomiting and rapid heartbeat could send SI into overdrive. There's the possibility of being found and interrupted. I doubt if the hospitals in my Third World country have methylene blue available.

More than drinking SN, it's the fear of not dying after drinking SN that worries me. When I want to go, I really want to go, and not stay on.

As a method, I might even prefer cyanide over SN. Sure, it's more painful than SN, but it's very quick. So one has to bear the pain only for a brief while. The possibility of being interrupted is also lower as it acts so rapidly. There's a reason why cyanide is the preferred method of CTB for those involved in warfare, spying & related covert activities.

Cyanide was easily available during WWII and the decades after that. Strong barbiturates (including N) were easily available till the 90s. Thanks to the stupid anti-choice horde, these two are very, very difficult to get now. Guess what their next target will be? SN, of course.

 

[GentleJerk]

Wow that's interesting. I really, strongly think having N would mean I wouldn't be scared to take it.

It should, and hopefully it will for you, if having N eliminates all your fear and anxiety that would be great!

I genuinely thought it would for me too. To be fair, it's a huge plus no longer having to worry about finding a method. I think for me, whether it's N, SN or something different- it's going to be scary either way. Really, the only downside of N is that I can't blame this fear on not having a better option.

I think it is helpful internalizing that it is more peaceful than almost any way humans die. 99% is a rough guess lol based on no statistics.

You would think so. I should feel lucky that I have something considered peaceful and reliable. Not many people do. I think about these things a lot and it might alleviate some fears for a split second but doesn't get rid of them. They come right back when I think about drinking the N again. It's on my mind almost 24/7, it's very frustrating and I can't seem to help it.

Might sound a bit morbid but even watching TV or going out to the shops, I see hundreds of people and I think about the fact that they are all going to die, possibly far worse deaths and it makes me profoundly sad but frustratingly it still doesn't make it any easier.

When I see people suffering without a peaceful option, especially poor children who are dying from terminal cancer, I start to feel really petty.

 

[Bergamot]

Please share your thoughts. I just feel like drinking SN is so god damn scary. Am I the only one feeling like this? I'm sorry if I'm making someone's SI stronger by writing this, but it's probably better to think of that problem now as opposed to later.. maybe it helps to talk about it now up front. I guess I wish someone could tell me that drinking SN is totally fine.

Mee , no you aren't alone

 

[Julgran]

Imo the worst thing is to endure extremely salty taste of SN. However you can practice with drinking solutions of regular salt and trying not to throw up. After a few attempts you get used to salty taste and get rid of gag reflex.

Couldn't it be possible to avoid the gag reflex also by doing a mouth wash for a few minutes using a liquid with a high alcohol concentration - such as Whiskey - to make the whole mouth numb, and then spit the liquid out before drinking SN?

I do think that it's better to get used to the salty taste the way you describe it, rather than trying to fight it, though.

 

[hopelessgirl]

I think it's easier for people who are already feel cornered and extremely emotionally volatile from a recent event so they attempt on "impulse" or people who have absolutely nothing left.

I don't really have the answer if you're somewhere inbetween. For myself I just need enough time alone to prepare and so I won't be "saved."

Having a method that requires preparation and a specific time frame likely makes survival instinct worse which is one of the issues I have with SN & N personally. If I had a button beside me that I could press to kill me instantly then I'd already be dead but suicide isn't that convenient unfortunately.

I have everything I need and literally a forest in my garden where no one will find me... So everything should be in order for it to work. My life is quite calm now so I probably won't be so lucky as to getting an impulse soon.

Couldn't it be possible to avoid the gag reflex also by doing a mouth wash for a few minutes using a liquid with a high alcohol concentration - such as Whiskey - to make the whole mouth numb, and then spit the liquid out before drinking SN?

I do think that it's better to get used to the salty taste the way you describe it, rather than trying to fight it, though.

I actually love salt, and sometimes I even eat rock salt... In a way of low-key preparing for the SN. I'm actually not scared of the taste. I'm more scared of... Like the pain and the convulsions and stuff.

What exactly is it about drinking SN that scares you?
The potential for pain, the consequences of dying, the chance it might not kill you?
Does it have to do with SN or would it apply to any other method as well?

I think it's the actual pain. The convulsions. The cramping. It just kind of disgusts me.

 

[Julgran]

I have everything I need and literally a forest in my garden where no one will find me... So everything should be in order for it to work. My life is quite calm now so I probably won't be so lucky as to getting an impulse soon.

I actually love salt, and sometimes I even eat rock salt... In a way of low-key preparing for the SN. I'm actually not scared of the taste. I'm more scared of... Like the pain and the convulsions and stuff.

I think it's the actual pain. The convulsions. The cramping. It just kind of disgusts me.

I see what you mean, but I try to think like this:

A natural death may be painful, as well, and any eventual discomfort that SN causes is just a sign that the SN is working, and our brains are trying to keep us alive. Well, it's easy for me to say, given that I haven't even tried SN yet, but at least it could bring some comfort - like "Oh, well - this experience with SN is somewhat uncomfortable, but it is the last and final bit of discomfort that I will feel before leaving this existence".

 

[hopelessgirl]

Thank you everyone for your replies...

I see what you mean, but I try to think like this:

A natural death may be painful, as well, and any eventual discomfort that SN causes is just a sign that the SN is working, and our brains are trying to keep us alive. Well, it's easy for me to say, given that I haven't even tried SN yet, but at least it could bring some comfort - like "Oh, well - this experience with SN is somewhat uncomfortable, but it is the last and final bit of discomfort that I will feel before leaving this existence".

Thank you. Never thought of it that way.

 

[LilBird]

I wouldn't use SN. There are a few other methods I prefer.

can I ask why your reasoning is to not use sn? you can pm me if you want instead. I just want to see all perspectives

 

[Lost Magic]

I'm with you and everyone else who feels so. SN is not exactly an easy way to go. I wish I could have got N instead of SN. N is indeed the gold standard when it comes to a "peaceful pill".

With SN, even if one follows the protocol, the nausea, vomiting and rapid heartbeat could send SI into overdrive. There's the possibility of being found and interrupted. I doubt if the hospitals in my Third World country have methylene blue available.

More than drinking SN, it's the fear of not dying after drinking SN that worries me. When I want to go, I really want to go, and not stay on.

As a method, I might even prefer cyanide over SN. Sure, it's more painful than SN, but it's very quick. So one has to bear the pain only for a brief while. The possibility of being interrupted is also lower as it acts so rapidly. There's a reason why cyanide is the preferred method of CTB for those involved in warfare, spying & related covert activities.

Cyanide was easily available during WWII and the decades after that. Strong barbiturates (including N) were easily available till the 90s. Thanks to the stupid anti-choice horde, these two are very, very difficult to get now. Guess what their next target will be? SN, of course.

Cyanide is a lot more painful a passing than Sodium Nitrite but yes it would get the job done. The Sodium Nitrite protocol should work so long as you follow the protocol. It has a 7 out of 10 on the peaceful death scale on the PPH. Propranolol meto and tagament all work together to potentiate the Nitrite. This would knock you out faster. Plus I haven't heard of reports of severe pain with Nitrite. Maybe just a headache. That's when a strong painkiller would come in handy.

 

[Foresight]

can I ask why your reasoning is to not use sn? you can pm me if you want instead. I just want to see all perspectives

To be honest, I romanticize N. I've seen the death with dignity videos and it looks as good as it can get. I know our self administered vet N is not the same experience, but I'll take the knockoff version of assisted suicide over anything else. I don't like the mechanism of SN, the discomfort and disorientation it can cause, and how slow it works. I've virtually sat through 1 SN death and although they didn't complain, I don't like how long they were around having to deal with the decline. It's just scary to me. I don't want to be around losing my head, getting dizzy worrying about if I got this poison right in my last moments. I'll be paranoid about how much suffering might come out of the SN. Two bottles of N, I know it works, I didn't have to mix it, and I'll shut my eyes and let go. A gunshot would be quicker than SN. I don't like hanging around losing my head for too long.

I get why people us SN, but if I feel I can afford the hassle of getting N then it's hard to pass up.