scared of death.

[ctbcat]

i feel pathetic for even saying that. i never got what people meant before - i suppose i always interpreted it more philosophical

there's no way out... i need to die. i know this.

revitalising my knowledge of methods harrowed me out... i've watched people hang themselves before, but god, all the logistics, and for 30 seconds to a minute of suffocation.... jumping ruins my posthumous appearance if i land on my face and has variable margin of error... making my own SN is both too costly & too smart for such a diminished brain......

i feel juvenile if i complain that its unfair. get over it, dumb bitch.... just do something anyway. work towards catching the bus instead of just hypothetisizing. illicit the sympathy you'll never be afforded alive. it just sucks. maybe i should try stretch a date to april. desensitise myself as much as possible in the extra time i've 'afforded' myself.

i wish guns were legal where i am..... a lot of the things i've wrote down negate that method but i see guns as much more romantic of a method even if highly destructive

tangent over. sorry

 

[IsolatedChaos]

You're making perfect sense.
Killing yourself is hard, no matter what. Our most basic instincts as an animal were made to keep us alive. Facing death isn't simple and will always be a terrifying thing, not to mention going through the effort of making it happen while you're dealing with a mental state that keeps you exhausted. I absolutely understand your frustration, despite that. I wish there were guns where I live, too... Would have made things much easier.
That being said, I really hope things will get better for you. Sending my love.