Venting Scared for big event

[toxicjester]

My younger brother's graduation is going to be next month and I'm so fucking scared. I've been more and more reclusive but this is one of those events that I wanna be there for if anything else because of pressure. I want my brother to have a good experience and he's done so much more with his life than I ever got done when I was his age or that I'll ever do in my life.

I'm so worried that it'll be my breaking point. For one, my graduation was so awful. I got hot and overwhelmed. I realized how lonely I was. And in the end my mom called me a disappointment. When my older sibling had graduated my mom congratulated them and they got a nice family dinner to celebrate. I'm afraid this is gonna being up bad memories and potentially cause me to break down and ruin my brother's big day.

For another thing, someone who's related to a friend (ex friend now) will be graduating so I'm sure the ex friend will be there as well since her family was always extra. I'm afraid I'll see her and get so viscerally upset. Even now thinking about her makes me break down, I can't imagine how'd it go if I actually saw her and she saw me. She stopped taking to me because I wanted to talk to her because we had been close in the years before and I didn't want to lose her and she barely reached out so it felt like I always had to. I had an extremely rough time the months leading up and I just wanted someone to talk to and I got so desperate that I'd leave messages for her so that she'd talk to me but in the end I just pushed her away and she texted me that she didn't want me to reach out to her, just giving me the 988 number before blocking me.

I don't know what to do for this event, how to get a grip on myself. I'll be able to take my medication again soon and I'm thinking of just upping my dose kinda quickly within the month, since when I was on a higher dose of it I barely felt anything. I've also thought about getting way stoned before the event but sometimes I just get more sensitive when I do that. I don't know if there's something else I can take or do to prepare beforehand. I just need some help real bad, or just sympathy maybe, I dunno. I feel so scared and I don't want this to be the event that pushes me to ctb, I don't want to traumatize my family like that.

Any and all help is appreciated

 

[2ndme]

importantly more than anything its up to you if you want to go!
i think focus on if you want to go or not, like if your little brother will be happy to see you there.
if you feel its worth doing, its still worth doing poorly so dont focus too much on other stuff.
for my big sister's med degree graduation, i got too scared by all the "bureaucratic" stuff like having to dress well, and i have bad body dysmorphia so it i didnt end up going. i think she woudve appreciated me there even if i was dressed like a trashbag since im her sister

in the end, it is only one event and it'll at most be a blip in your life

 

[toxicjester]

importantly more than anything its up to you if you want to go!
i think focus on if you want to go or not, like if your little brother will be happy to see you there.
if you feel its worth doing, its still worth doing poorly so dont focus too much on other stuff.
for my big sister's med degree graduation, i got too scared by all the "bureaucratic" stuff like having to dress well, and i have bad body dysmorphia so it i didnt end up going. i think she woudve appreciated me there even if i was dressed like a trashbag since im her sister

in the end, it is only one event and it'll at most be a blip in your life

My dysphoria is a whole other thing I didn't even mention but for that I'm thinking of crazy starving myself so that I'll look nice and lose a good amount of weight for it

I think that he'd appreciate it. When we were younger we were constantly at each other's throats and disliked each other but when family life got rough all my siblings got closer together as a result and now we get along pretty we

I also think my family would look down on me if I didn't go, especially my mom and even tho I'm not close to her I still really miss having a mother in my life and still look for that in her

I think I'll end up going and just do the stuff I mentioned before

 

[attheend13]

My younger brother's graduation is going to be next month and I'm so fucking scared. I've been more and more reclusive but this is one of those events that I wanna be there for if anything else because of pressure. I want my brother to have a good experience and he's done so much more with his life than I ever got done when I was his age or that I'll ever do in my life.

I'm so worried that it'll be my breaking point. For one, my graduation was so awful. I got hot and overwhelmed. I realized how lonely I was. And in the end my mom called me a disappointment. When my older sibling had graduated my mom congratulated them and they got a nice family dinner to celebrate. I'm afraid this is gonna being up bad memories and potentially cause me to break down and ruin my brother's big day.

For another thing, someone who's related to a friend (ex friend now) will be graduating so I'm sure the ex friend will be there as well since her family was always extra. I'm afraid I'll see her and get so viscerally upset. Even now thinking about her makes me break down, I can't imagine how'd it go if I actually saw her and she saw me. She stopped taking to me because I wanted to talk to her because we had been close in the years before and I didn't want to lose her and she barely reached out so it felt like I always had to. I had an extremely rough time the months leading up and I just wanted someone to talk to and I got so desperate that I'd leave messages for her so that she'd talk to me but in the end I just pushed her away and she texted me that she didn't want me to reach out to her, just giving me the 988 number before blocking me.

I don't know what to do for this event, how to get a grip on myself. I'll be able to take my medication again soon and I'm thinking of just upping my dose kinda quickly within the month, since when I was on a higher dose of it I barely felt anything. I've also thought about getting way stoned before the event but sometimes I just get more sensitive when I do that. I don't know if there's something else I can take or do to prepare beforehand. I just need some help real bad, or just sympathy maybe, I dunno. I feel so scared and I don't want this to be the event that pushes me to ctb, I don't want to traumatize my family like that.

Any and all help is appreciated

I face a similar situation regularly because of my work. There's a lot of celebrating others and their achievements and often I have to avoid the situation because it triggers me to memories and events that were similar that made me feel completely like a failure and a fraud. I don't have any advice sadly, I am a selfish pig who just doesn't go. Your self awareness is to be congratulated. No one wants to be the person who stole someone's light. There's so little of it. But I know myself too, and I know that when I'm spiraling I can't fake it. And so I can't be there if I know I can be triggered. It's an act of selflessness to opt out of the event. Maybe they won't understand but then they would attack you if you couldn't hold it together too so choose what is the best of not great options is all I can say. Don't get me wrong, I can be and have been the first in line to celebrate a win in life but sometimes it's all just too dark to see that light as light. The other persons light illuminates my failure and the shame of standing there as a failure takes over. Some may call me selfish. But they can call me whatever they want. I'm what you call pre-disastered. There's literally nothing left to say that I haven't already heard. But if you want to preserve his day, and you can't manage that atmosphere, don't beat yourself up. They may not know but you do and some kind souls here will support you, you may have to opt out of attending.

 

[Invisible 73]

My dysphoria is a whole other thing I didn't even mention but for that I'm thinking of crazy starving myself so that I'll look nice and lose a good amount of weight for it

I think that he'd appreciate it. When we were younger we were constantly at each other's throats and disliked each other but when family life got rough all my siblings got closer together as a result and now we get along pretty we

I also think my family would look down on me if I didn't go, especially my mom and even tho I'm not close to her I still really miss having a mother in my life and still look for that in her

I think I'll end up going and just do the stuff I mentioned before

Upping your meds on your own & starving yourself to lose weight quickly are bad ideas, that won't work hun!

The decision to go is yours and yours alone! You're putting way too much pressure on yourself and you haven't even gone yet. Who cares what anyone else thinks, if YOU are going to be absolutely miserable.

Talk to your brother about how you're feeling (hopefully he's understanding) & will let you know it's ok with him if you bow out. Then get or make him something special for his day.

 

[rozeske]

@toxicjester are you still here? how are you holding up?

 

[toxicjester]

Upping your meds on your own & starving yourself to lose weight quickly are bad ideas, that won't work hun!

The decision to go is yours and yours alone! You're putting way too much pressure on yourself and you haven't even gone yet. Who cares what anyone else thinks, if YOU are going to be absolutely miserable.

Talk to your brother about how you're feeling (hopefully he's understanding) & will let you know it's ok with him if you bow out. Then get or make him something special for his day.

I know they're not the greatest ideas I just feel like I'm outta options. I think I'm still gonna go in the end because I want to be there for him. Hopefully I won't see the ex friend and if I'll do I'll just act like I don't know her, cause I'm a way I don't anymore.

I'll prolly still try to do something nice for him, since he's helped me a lot throughout the last couple of months

I do appreciate all your kind words and advice tho <3

@toxicjester are you still here? how are you holding up?

I am a little better. I've gotten back on medication and I'm hoping that'll help on the big day. I'm also trying to not make it such a big deal in my head cause the more I make it a big deal the worse it'll get. There's still other shit wrong but in terms of Keri g it in topic to the original I'm doing better with this specific problem, although I'm sure my anxiety will be bad again closer to the actual date