I am staying alive for just a few more years until my aging cat is gone. He's the absolute best cat in the world and has been with me since kittenhood, and I will suffer a little longer to be with him to the end. Unfortunately it's going to be a rough few years because he needs constant medical care now, so I don't get to have any real vacations or anything other commitments that might make life more enjoyable in the meantime. I would have ctb already if not for him. I know I obviously won't care after death, but I am alive despite everything, and the guilt of being his person and leaving him in his final years when he needs me is stronger than my will to die (so far). Feelings are dumb. But after that, all bets are off.