CatabolicSeed
they/them
- Feb 19, 2020
- 263
I have been actively planning on killing myself for many years, materials all gathered and everything.
A couple months ago, I posted this thread about my non-traditional plan to take SN in the suicide discussion subforum: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...tely-after-a-failed-vomited-sn-attempt.80409/
Some of the comments I received were:
"You seem a bit hesitant, are you sure you're ready?"
"It is clear that you are uncertain so you should not attempt to ctb- there is no benefit to playing around with an attempt. It is worth it to ask- why are you uncertain? It is most likely because you have some hope, which is a good thing. What are your reasons for considering ctb?"
"I'm with the others on this one. You don't sound ready for this. Even worrying you might decide to back out is hesitation, and there shouldn't be any hesitation when you're making the last decision you'll ever make. I'd reconsider for now if I were you."
"All I suggest is that you either make sure you want this 100%, or reconsider for the time being. This is a decision you can always make later if you really want to."
If you look at the thread you will see that I initially shot down these comments and was in denial of their legitimacy, but though that was my outward reaction, they stayed in my mind. I kept thinking: In this space where suicide is respected as a valid life choice, if people are telling me it's not the best option for me, maybe they're right? It was an eye-opening revelation. I realized they WERE right, I wasn't ready. These comments made me realize that even though I want to escape the emotional pain so badly that I have been actively suicidal, there is too much I don't want to give up for me to go through with it.
My CTB date was supposed to be January 12 2022. Instead of killing myself, I confessed everything to my dad and partner and got support. I am now dealing with all the problems I had before just put off with "I'm gonna kill myself anyway so it doesn't matter". I'm back in school. My partner recently told me that I seem happy for the first time in years. They're right. It's because, for the first time, I have hope. And it's all thanks to Sanctioned Suicide.
For contrast, this was the impact of pro-lifers' "help": One of the hardest things I am dealing with right now is my PTSD. When I confessed my suicidal ambitions to my old therapist in 2020, I was sent to a mental hospital. Not only did I NOT receive treatment there, I was put through so much horrible shit (sexual harassment, forced drugging, transphobia, etc) that I was traumatized (got diagnosed with PTSD from it last year by my new therapist who I am still struggling to trust after what I went through). I still get the nightmares all the time, am terrified of hospitals, and a plethora of other nasty effects. When I got out, I was much more suicidal than when I went in.
I want to thank Sanctioned Suicide for helping me so much. If it weren't for this community, I would still be in that dark place, if not already dead. Despite all the harm pro-lifers have brought into my life, this community has always been there to help me through it. Thank you.
One last thing: When my stint in the mental hospital was more recent, I posted this thread in the middle of a panic attack fueled by fear of being forced to go back: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-am-so-so-afraid-of-being-committed-again.59069/
@nora. left a comment on that thread saying "hey, everything's gonna be alright. we're here for you. how are you feeling right now? did something happen?" This comment was left over a year ago and has helped me through so much. You were the only person to EVER tell me something like "everything's gonna be alright, we're here for you." For the past year, whenever my PTSD got really bad, I would read that comment again to comfort myself. I still do. I probably will for years to come. Your simple act of sharing some kind words truly touched my heart. Thank you.
A couple months ago, I posted this thread about my non-traditional plan to take SN in the suicide discussion subforum: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...tely-after-a-failed-vomited-sn-attempt.80409/
Some of the comments I received were:
"You seem a bit hesitant, are you sure you're ready?"
"It is clear that you are uncertain so you should not attempt to ctb- there is no benefit to playing around with an attempt. It is worth it to ask- why are you uncertain? It is most likely because you have some hope, which is a good thing. What are your reasons for considering ctb?"
"I'm with the others on this one. You don't sound ready for this. Even worrying you might decide to back out is hesitation, and there shouldn't be any hesitation when you're making the last decision you'll ever make. I'd reconsider for now if I were you."
"All I suggest is that you either make sure you want this 100%, or reconsider for the time being. This is a decision you can always make later if you really want to."
If you look at the thread you will see that I initially shot down these comments and was in denial of their legitimacy, but though that was my outward reaction, they stayed in my mind. I kept thinking: In this space where suicide is respected as a valid life choice, if people are telling me it's not the best option for me, maybe they're right? It was an eye-opening revelation. I realized they WERE right, I wasn't ready. These comments made me realize that even though I want to escape the emotional pain so badly that I have been actively suicidal, there is too much I don't want to give up for me to go through with it.
My CTB date was supposed to be January 12 2022. Instead of killing myself, I confessed everything to my dad and partner and got support. I am now dealing with all the problems I had before just put off with "I'm gonna kill myself anyway so it doesn't matter". I'm back in school. My partner recently told me that I seem happy for the first time in years. They're right. It's because, for the first time, I have hope. And it's all thanks to Sanctioned Suicide.
For contrast, this was the impact of pro-lifers' "help": One of the hardest things I am dealing with right now is my PTSD. When I confessed my suicidal ambitions to my old therapist in 2020, I was sent to a mental hospital. Not only did I NOT receive treatment there, I was put through so much horrible shit (sexual harassment, forced drugging, transphobia, etc) that I was traumatized (got diagnosed with PTSD from it last year by my new therapist who I am still struggling to trust after what I went through). I still get the nightmares all the time, am terrified of hospitals, and a plethora of other nasty effects. When I got out, I was much more suicidal than when I went in.
I want to thank Sanctioned Suicide for helping me so much. If it weren't for this community, I would still be in that dark place, if not already dead. Despite all the harm pro-lifers have brought into my life, this community has always been there to help me through it. Thank you.
One last thing: When my stint in the mental hospital was more recent, I posted this thread in the middle of a panic attack fueled by fear of being forced to go back: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-am-so-so-afraid-of-being-committed-again.59069/
@nora. left a comment on that thread saying "hey, everything's gonna be alright. we're here for you. how are you feeling right now? did something happen?" This comment was left over a year ago and has helped me through so much. You were the only person to EVER tell me something like "everything's gonna be alright, we're here for you." For the past year, whenever my PTSD got really bad, I would read that comment again to comfort myself. I still do. I probably will for years to come. Your simple act of sharing some kind words truly touched my heart. Thank you.
