peaceandlove
Unwitting
- Aug 31, 2024
- 32
All day, everyday, I fight my mind to be present. I see an opportunity to kill myself everywhere I look. Sometimes my rational mind barely takes control because the only thing I care a little about is that I don't hurt somebody else in the process. I don't think I can feel happy anymore. I don't think I can learn anymore. The people who did this to me don't seem to be able to learn, either. Being a good person gets me punished. Being pretty in somebody's eyes gets me punished. Speaking my mind, punished. Telling the truth, punished. Being happy, punished. There's no escape. So I see escape opportunities everyplace. It's like always knowing where your exits are. 4th story window balcony, concrete patio below. Extra sharp pencil. My pocket knife. A dangerous curve in the road. A bridge. Those electric wires. A plastic bag. For me, my survival instinct IS suicide. I try so hard. I'm not sure why or how. I can't see how I'll ever be me again and able to take care of my responsibilities. I can't care anymore. I want to care like I used to. I want to be normal. I want to be seen for who I am. I want to be loved as well as I give. I want to care. I want to not want to kill myself.
