Sad rambles, I just want to be gone

[burninghill]

I just feel so pathetic and useless. I spend about 12 hours of the day just on overwatch and even that doesn't make me feel much better.

My boyfriend is great but he's really clingy, I don't think that's abnormal but I'm very avoidant and find it very overwhelming which he knows. He's also so bad at handing my mental health, he's more worried about the integrity of our relationship than my wellbeing as an individual and he never asks questions when I tell him I'm in a bad state, he just says he wishes he could help but he never actually does try to help.

I'm just at a loss, I feel like a disgusting human being for reasons I can't even say on this forum. I just want to die, I want someone to kill me. My ideation hasn't become active again so I can't.

I'm also due to go on a camping trip with my parents in two weeks and I'm going to have to be incredibly careful about not showing scars they don't know about. I have lots left from a year ago that I've managed to hide since then. Hopefully it isn't too hot or they might question why I'm wearing long sleeves.

I'm going to kill myself before the end of the university year, which is sometime in early September. I can't handle the amount of effort it will take. If I don't end up dying in September, the best I can do is hope that university drags me down so far that I have to die, like it did last year.

 

[SASU-KE]

Do you look forward to that camping trip otherwise? Is it a regularly scheduled thing by your parents or a rare occurrence?

Maybe you can cover up and then tell them it's to protect yourself from mosquitoes?

 

[burninghill]

Do you look forward to that camping trip otherwise? Is it a regularly scheduled thing by your parents or a rare occurrence?

Maybe you can cover up and then tell them it's to protect yourself from mosquitoes?

Not very regular! They go camping a lot but don't typically invite me, I go myself about once a year. I'm sort of excited. Video games are the only thing keeping my alive right now and I'll have to be without them for a bit which is worrying (as degenerate as that sounds).

I don't really get that feeling of nature being beautiful and impressive, everything is empty. But hey, at least it'll solidify my decision. I don't spend a lot of time with my mum so spending some quality time with her and still wanting to die regardless of that will only push me closer to death.

 

[The Disqualified]

Hi
How are you? How have you been?

Maybe you remember me. I am that odd guy that writes overly long answers HAHAHAHAHA

You know, I have not been very active in Sasu recently.
Some things happened as well...

But not to me. I am fine.
I am better than ever actually.
I don't make many posts these days, as I am not suicidal, though I am still melancholic—it's a part of me, I guess.
So I have not been using Sasu as much.

I am sorry you are not feeling very well, really
I am not far off from feeling like that as well sometimes. Life has just been this never-ending uphill battle, you know.

I just want to make it clear I got really happy to see that you are still alive. I do remember our conversations for the most part—you had struck me as a very beautiful soul.
It really is a tragedy you have been struggling so much with mental health for quite some time.
I get that.

I searched your name and it seems I have missed on a lot of your threads and recent context as I was inactive.
So I will have to read some threads to get the full context.

I will also give a shorter answer to this thread. But I am happy to see you.

On an unrelated note, did you keep up with the world cup?
I guess England did pretty well all things considered :)
I wish I could say the same for my country.

I just feel so pathetic and useless. I spend about 12 hours of the day just on overwatch and even that doesn't make me feel much better.

I understand, it seems like you have been treating yourself very poorly the last few months...
12 hours is a lot, really; I am not gonna lie.

I am not surprised it didn't make you feel better.

You use the words 'pathetic', 'useless', and later 'degenerate'.
I guess this shows that you aren't satisfied with your current state. Perhaps you wish there was something better for your life.
I share that feeling. I think it has been the one thing that has made me hold on for so long: the feeling that there ought to be more to my life.

I remember you complained about not sleeping properly and not eating well.
Without those two things, it is basically impossible to feel better consistently in the long-term.

My sleep is the one thing that really made me feel so much better once I changed it. Sleeping late and waking up late is horrible, really; you just feel like you missed out on your entire day.

You feel useless... lazy... like something horrible... it is hard to explain, but I remember that was a distinctively horrible and extremely unpleasant feeling.

If you recognize this isn't making you any good, have you considered trying to cut back on it?
Maybe you feel gaming is all there is for you life right now.

I haven't been up to date on Overwatch to be honest. I know they had launched Overwatch 2 but I am not quite sure what became of it.
Is it fun to you at all, or is it more like an addiction?

I know I loved playing Overwatch when it launched; I used to play with some friends of mine.
But gaming got boring after a while... it is hard to explain. It just didn't feel fulfilling anymore.
It felt like it was escapism, and, looking back on everything now, it indeed was.

I'm just at a loss, I feel like a disgusting human being for reasons I can't even say on this forum.

Well, it must be very heavy to carry this in your heart by youself, mustn't it?
Do you have anyone in your life that would be willing to share that load with you?

You had told me even your boyfriend didn't know some parts of you.

I don't think you have a therapist. I fear you are taking all that load alone.

I am here if you wish to talk to me about anything. I will try to be more active in here.

You say you feel 'disgusting'. That's a very heavy label, but I imagine it is very raw and honest. You aren't disgusting as a human being. As I had said, you strike me as a beautiful soul underneath.

Being honest though, it seems like you have a lot of self-destructive habits that may contribute to your feeling of 'disgust'.
I guess this feeling may come when you feel as if you are not giving yourself the treatment or respect you think you deserve. I don't think this feeling should be dismissed.

You had mentioned your gore addiction and use of various drugs. The drug usage in particular can really affect the baseline well-being level of your brain over time. It would be really good for you if you tried tapering these off.
It depends on how severe your use is, but you had seemed like a casual user from your posts, so I guess you can still try just quitting it, being honest with you.

Have you ever thought of how your drug usage may be affecting your mood and well-being? I am curious.

I wonder if you feel any active sense of hope inside you right now—hope that you can heal yourself and have a healthy routine you feel pleased with.
Certainly I wish nothing less for you. It seems to me like you have gone through a lot.

I just want to die, I want someone to kill me. My ideation hasn't become active again so I can't.

I hear you. It seems lke you are suffering a lot. I feel empathy and sadness reading that.
I wish you didn't feel like this.

I'm also due to go on a camping trip with my parents in two weeks

That sounds nice :)

I would like to visit the UK one day...
Some landscapes and places seem really beautiful, and I really like nature.

I hope you enjoy the trip despite your worries regarding the scars. I hope no one judges you for that; certainly, no one has that right.

Anyway, if you ask me something I may answer in DMs for more privacy. I think it is better this way.

Sending virtual hugs.

 

[burninghill]

Hi
How are you? How have you been?

Maybe you remember me. I am that odd guy that writes overly long answers HAHAHAHAHA

You know, I have not been very active in Sasu recently.
Some things happened as well...

But not to me. I am fine.
I am better than ever actually.
I don't make many posts these days, as I am not suicidal, though I am still melancholic—it's a part of me, I guess.
So I have not been using Sasu as much.

I am sorry you are not feeling very well, really
I am not far off from feeling like that as well sometimes. Life has just been this never-ending uphill battle, you know.

I just want to make it clear I got really happy to see that you are still alive. I do remember our conversations for the most part—you had struck me as a very beautiful soul.
It really is a tragedy you have been struggling so much with mental health for quite some time.
I get that.

I searched your name and it seems I have missed on a lot of your threads and recent context as I was inactive.
So I will have to read some threads to get the full context.

I will also give a shorter answer to this thread. But I am happy to see you.

On an unrelated note, did you keep up with the world cup?
I guess England did pretty well all things considered :)
I wish I could say the same for my country.

I understand, it seems like you have been treating yourself very poorly the last few months...
12 hours is a lot, really; I am not gonna lie.

I am not surprised it didn't make you feel better.

You use the words 'pathetic', 'useless', and later 'degenerate'.
I guess this shows that you aren't satisfied with your current state. Perhaps you wish there was something better for your life.
I share that feeling. I think it has been the one thing that has made me hold on for so long: the feeling that there ought to be more to my life.

I remember you complained about not sleeping properly and not eating well.
Without those two things, it is basically impossible to feel better consistently in the long-term.

My sleep is the one thing that really made me feel so much better once I changed it. Sleeping late and waking up late is horrible, really; you just feel like you missed out on your entire day.

You feel useless... lazy... like something horrible... it is hard to explain, but I remember that was a distinctively horrible and extremely unpleasant feeling.

If you recognize this isn't making you any good, have you considered trying to cut back on it?
Maybe you feel gaming is all there is for you life right now.

I haven't been up to date on Overwatch to be honest. I know they had launched Overwatch 2 but I am not quite sure what became of it.
Is it fun to you at all, or is it more like an addiction?

I know I loved playing Overwatch when it launched; I used to play with some friends of mine.
But gaming got boring after a while... it is hard to explain. It just didn't feel fulfilling anymore.
It felt like it was escapism, and, looking back on everything now, it indeed was.



Well, it must be very heavy to carry this in your heart by youself, mustn't it?
Do you have anyone in your life that would be willing to share that load with you?

You had told me even your boyfriend didn't know some parts of you.

I don't think you have a therapist. I fear you are taking all that load alone.

I am here if you wish to talk to me about anything. I will try to be more active in here.

You say you feel 'disgusting'. That's a very heavy label, but I imagine it is very raw and honest. You aren't disgusting as a human being. As I had said, you strike me as a beautiful soul underneath.

Being honest though, it seems like you have a lot of self-destructive habits that may contribute to your feeling of 'disgust'.
I guess this feeling may come when you feel as if you are not giving yourself the treatment or respect you think you deserve. I don't think this feeling should be dismissed.

You had mentioned your gore addiction and use of various drugs. The drug usage in particular can really affect the baseline well-being level of your brain over time. It would be really good for you if you tried tapering these off.
It depends on how severe your use is, but you had seemed like a casual user from your posts, so I guess you can still try just quitting it, being honest with you.

Have you ever thought of how your drug usage may be affecting your mood and well-being? I am curious.

I wonder if you feel any active sense of hope inside you right now—hope that you can heal yourself and have a healthy routine you feel pleased with.
Certainly I wish nothing less for you. It seems to me like you have gone through a lot.



I hear you. It seems lke you are suffering a lot. I feel empathy and sadness reading that.
I wish you didn't feel like this.


That sounds nice :)

I would like to visit the UK one day...
Some landscapes and places seem really beautiful, and I really like nature.

I hope you enjoy the trip despite your worries regarding the scars. I hope no one judges you for that; certainly, no one has that right.

Anyway, if you ask me something I may answer in DMs for more privacy. I think it is better this way.

Sending virtual hugs.

Hi, I was wondering where you went but I remember you telling me that your activity here is very on and off.

I did keep up with the World Cup! My street is very populated so there was a lot of screaming and noise haha. We did well all things considered.

I think part of me wishes there was something better in my life but I really don't know what that is, I think I just want myself to be different but I don't have the motivation to make that happen.

My sleep is a problem. I usually sleep at 6am and wake up at 4. I do feel like I've missed a lot of the day, I have to set alarms at 10 to reply to messages, then go back to sleep.

You're right that the game does get boring, but it's the only thing I have any motivation to do. I've been keeping myself occupied by learning new characters, that helps a bit.

I feel that I have tried to share with people but the responses just feel hollow, like, 'I wish I could help' 'let me know if there's anything I can do'. Also sometimes I just want to be allowed to feel sad and people are always trying to uplift you, which is beautiful, but sometimes I just want to wallow.

I was a casual user, yes. It definitely affects me a lot. I think about getting high every day, it genuinely brings me a joy like no other. It's just unmatched. Maybe that's why I feels dissatisfied in my daily life, because I know how good I COULD feel.

You're totally free to DM me, you know I love talking to you. You're very insightful.

There must be some hope in me considering that I'm still alive, but I can't feel it. I think that my death is almost absolutely inevitable. I'm just waiting for the right time.