Help Running out of strength - please talk to me :(

[Rocksandsand]

I have an upcoming hearing in court for a Victims of Crime settlement. It could amount to a decent amount of money - enough to cover my funeral and give my brother and father something.

But I feel like I am running out of strength. I have my SN and meto purchased and hidden in my apartment. The pull to end it all now is stronger than ever. I am just so tired of hurting. My doctor is making me recommence old medications that never worked out of desperation. My partner is quite abusive - he makes me feel so worthless but I can't leave because I am so isolated now. He also controls my income as he is one of my supervisors. So I am exceptionally broke. I have no idea how much longer I can afford to live like this.

I feel like my endurance is almost out. I don't even have a court date yet. I feel like this would be easier if I knew I was counting down to something concrete.

And lastly, I worry so much about my dog. I'm so scared about where he will go when I die.

I feel really alone right now. Thank you for reading.

 

[Beautifulletdown]

I'm really sorry you're going through all of this and feeling this way. I wish there was something I could do or say to matter things better for you. I know it's really hard to hold on when the pull to ctb is so strong. Only you can decide if it is worth holding on for your dog, family and to complete this hearing. Whatever you decide I know everyone here will support you.

 

[Rocksandsand]

@Beautifulletdown thank you for replying. I'm trying to calm down but it's so hard. I know it's not my time yet. I am just so tired of feeling so awful. I wish I could afford any kind of drug to cut off my feelings for a while

 

[Beautifulletdown]

@Beautifulletdown thank you for replying. I'm trying to calm down but it's so hard. I know it's not my time yet. I am just so tired of feeling so awful. I wish I could afford any kind of drug to cut off my feelings for a while

I understand how you're feeling just being tired of feeling and everything else. Please forgive me if this suggestion is silly but could you step outside or even go for a drive to help calm you down. I wish there was a pill like that.

 

[arelia]

Your bloke appears to be your main problem here, if he cherished you you'd probably be able to better survive whatever is hurting your soul but I don't know how you can break free of him if he's one of your supervisors. Have you tried speaking to the Samaritans? they may be able to suggest a way to get him out of your life (and perhaps an independent review of your meds) so you can deal with the rest.

fwiw, you're not the worthless one, he is. If you've been strong enough to make it this far without breaking and can still care about others, then you're worth 1000 of him.

There's not enough compassion in the world as it is, if you go then there's one less light.

 

[Rocksandsand]

I don't drive unfortunately... I'm just curled up on the couch having a cry and trying to calm down. I've had valium but it hasn't done much

 

[Soul]

(((Hugs)))
You are very treasured here, intrepid @Rocksandsand! Wrap that around yourself for warm protection.

I don't understand what kind of supervisor you mean, but it doesn't sound like the relationship is working out. I understand that you're deeply weary but when you can: please think in the direction of getting out from under his thumb. We'll help you all we can.

(((More hugs)))

 

[Ermac]

Supervisor as in just controlling spending? I hope he doesn't try to interfere with your settlement.

Sorry to hear that's happened to you. Even though you are in a very rough spot you are still trying to consider feelings of your family and dog. That's very admirable.

I don't know the best advice to give here but I can share a personal experience. My sister is also going to court in the future because of her abusive ex trying to steal custody rights even though he has no relation to the child.
What helped my sister calm down a bit was going down to the court and imagining the situation resolving out.
Talking to the help there and trying to figure out what to do when the date arrives.

 

[Rocksandsand]

@arelia and @Soul thank you. Thank you for making me feel valued. The main thing is that he makes me feel like a failure. He's my supervisor at work, so he oversees my shifts and controls my roster. He only ever has intensely negative things to say about my work, and if I question anything I am told that I am being disloyal. He has screamed at me in the office before to the point that I had to excuse myself to leave the room.

Recently, it's been a year since my near-fatal overdose. I've also been clean from heroin for over a year and a half. I went to apply for a job today as a peer support worker for overdose prevention, and he said that he wouldn't support me or act as a reference because it would put me at risk of relapse by being near drug users...

I felt so worthless. If I wanted heroin, I would have heroin. I'm so tired of being scrutinised. I feel like these little wins should be getting celebrated rather than ignored, and having my past used as leverage to keep me in a job that he can control is even more distressing.

I just wish this court thing had a date so I could have some confidence in planning. I feel like I'd be a lot more settled if I had a date.

Also - someone invited me to chat with them on here. I really appreciate the offer, but I don't think my anxiety could cope with the intensity of a 1:1 conversation. I really do appreciate the invite though

 

[arelia]

I would make a complaint to HR about him refusing you a reference, he's making a value judgement that he has no right to make.

and I'd dump him sharpish as if he gets off on controlling your life, he's unlikely to give a decent reference even if you stayed with him.

 

[woxihuanni]

To add another voice to say you are valued, and he is scum. I wish you could find another job and throw that piece of trash out of your life. Hugs

 

[Rocksandsand]

I would make a complaint to HR about him refusing you a reference, he's making a value judgement that he has no right to make.

and I'd dump him sharpish as if he gets off on controlling your life, he's unlikely to give a decent reference even if you stayed with him.

I honestly don't feel like I have the strength to do that. I just wish I could disappear and take my SN quietly. I've been drafting my notes recently, and the one to my work is quite harsh. It's quite a toxic workplace all round.

@woxihuanni thank you. Because he controls the rostering, he's been saying I am too depressed to be at work at the moment... work is one of the few times I actually feel okay about myself. Having him strip that away has been so hard. I feel like I'm a shell of what I used to be even just two years ago

 

[woxihuanni]

I wish he would drop dead, not rob you of your life like this. I'm sure in any other workplace you would shine. You must have thought of this, but domestic abuse shelters could be useful if you had the strength to give life a chance. If you do attempt, I hope succeed without pain, though.

 

[Rocksandsand]

I wish he would drop dead, not rob you of your life like this. I'm sure in any other workplace you would shine. You must have thought of this, but domestic abuse shelters could be useful if you had the strength to give life a chance. If you do attempt, I hope succeed without pain, though.

I know I can't CtB, not yet. That's part of why this is so fucked. I feel tied to life by all these vague parameters. I just want this court shit finished so I have something to leave for my father and brother.

 

[woxihuanni]

I know I can't CtB, not yet. That's part of why this is so fucked. I feel tied to life by all these vague parameters. I just want this court shit finished so I have something to leave for my father and brother.

I know, I meant for whenever in future. Sorry for the misunderstanding...

 

[Dreamcolleger]

You're one of the people who's posts I like to read, I hope things pick up for you soon.

When you're free and clear of obligations it is a major relief.

 

[Alec]

Thank you for sharing with us! It's sounds horrible, all of it! And I'm sorry about your dog, but maybe your father or brother will adopt it? It's very noble that you want to try and stay to leave something for your brother and father but we also have to remember that at some point we can't live for others. I'm trying to stay a little while longer too for different reasons though but I realize that I might not be able to, so I always remind myself - if it gets far too much I can just leave. It calms me down to think that at any moment I can check out of this place so if it gets too much to bear I can end it. Maybe try thinking about the fact that you CAN do it if it gets too much that you are not trapped the next time panic kicks in about how you don't know how much longer you'll have to stay here. Remind yourself that the second it's too much you have the power to stop it, maybe it'll give you strength to live another second and then another just to see if you can make it and eventually you'll make it, I've made it so far at least. I'm sorry for your situation!

 

[Throwaway9787]

if you wanna talk im here. Sorry you feel like this.

 

[arelia]

@woxihuanni thank you. Because he controls the rostering, he's been saying I am too depressed to be at work at the moment... work is one of the few times I actually feel okay about myself. Having him strip that away has been so hard. I feel like I'm a shell of what I used to be even just two years ago

Then go to HR and have a proper return to work plan made and implemented. It's just a phonecall you need to make and then the conversation to discuss the options. If your doctor says you're fit to work then he has no right to stop you returning to the workplace.
If you're going to survive until the court case you've at least got to do a 'lil fightback for yourself. You can do it for others, so now it's time for you.

 

[oopswronglife]

The thing about feelings of "I cant take it anymore" or "I dont have the endurance" is they are feelings. They usually aren't facts. I have said both countless times and I am still here. So when I feel those things now I remind myself it's a feeling, one I have had those countless times and that has passed. I was wrong every single time that I said "I cannot last another day". Every single time. That doesn't mean one day I won't fully collapse in all ways...it doesn't mean the feelings are not valid...it means they are usually always untrue. They are manifestations of the fear, worry, stress. I don't know how to not have those feelings...but I do know you can recognize you are having them and say "Hey mind...you said this every other time so piss off" and try your best to remove fact from fiction. It doesn't fix everything. It doesn't remove the fear and worry, but it does help from making it worse and that can be enough to get past it.

 

[Bukmeikara1]

You always have a choice. I feel you but IMO right now you need a gentle push instead of "soft" and dear words that just reinforce the image off you being a victim.
IMO if that partner is really that abusive, you should leave him affective immediately. This is someone that drains your energy every single day. He doesnt let you recharge in any way just makes you feel worthless and keeps you a prisoner ... very likely because of the upcoming money.

As I said, you always have a choice. The reality is not as scary as the ideas inside our head. There would be someone that would give you a hand - a distant friend, forgotten relative, a church, a shelter. Just dont be ashame of yourself and act. Whats the worst that could happen - be homeless and die? At least you try, you take action and dont repeat the same things that make you so misserable.
I am even sure that if you go away from him, live differently for a while /// you would realise that life could be a lot more lighter, more nicer. You might even give it another try.

I have faith in you even if I dont know you. But dont sit on your but, cry on the sofa and expect something different. Act !

 

[Dead beat dad]

I have an upcoming hearing in court for a Victims of Crime settlement. It could amount to a decent amount of money - enough to cover my funeral and give my brother and father something.

But I feel like I am running out of strength. I have my SN and meto purchased and hidden in my apartment. The pull to end it all now is stronger than ever. I am just so tired of hurting. My doctor is making me recommence old medications that never worked out of desperation. My partner is quite abusive - he makes me feel so worthless but I can't leave because I am so isolated now. He also controls my income as he is one of my supervisors. So I am exceptionally broke. I have no idea how much longer I can afford to live like this.

I feel like my endurance is almost out. I don't even have a court date yet. I feel like this would be easier if I knew I was counting down to something concrete.

And lastly, I worry so much about my dog. I'm so scared about where he will go when I die.

I feel really alone right now. Thank you for reading.

I'm so sorry for your pain sister. It sounds like you're going through hell.
You're not alone, pain here is constant and sharp, but also shared. It's hard to vent your spleen, I know sometimes when we try and articulate the myriad of difficulties we're having, just that in itself is exhausting, not to mention the experience of those things themselves.
You are not alone, there are so many kind and supportive people here.
We are love, and love is the only thing that will beat the hate in the world. There is love here and I send my love to you sister.
Good luck and peace.
DBD

 

[Fordprefect]

Fuuuuck
Ditch the boyfriend, just do it, get him out of your life. Im not an authority on good relationships, but I'm a fucking world class expert on toxic ones.
How many antidepressants have you tried? Have you ever been on escitalopram? Mirtazapine? Please try escitalopram, start with 10-15mg, it has helped a lot of people I know, I used to swear by it.

 

[HitchHiker]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs xxx

Your boyfriend is your supervisor and is controlling. So you can't get away from him in work or out of work. This is not a healthy situation to be in, on top of the court case, no wonder you are having a tough time.

You mention your brother and father a lot, and you clearly love them. Could you move in with them for a little while?

As mentioned above, please speak to your HR department or a manager higher up. I'm sure if you explained the situation to them and asked them to keep it confidential they could provide a reference for you.

Your boyfriend is holding you back, please get yourself out of this situation.

Maybe with a new job you are passionate about, the controlling prick out of your life and when the court case is over, you may be able to see a different life for yourself. I hope so, you seem like a lovely person and deserve so much better.

 

[wildmoon]

I have an upcoming hearing in court for a Victims of Crime settlement. It could amount to a decent amount of money - enough to cover my funeral and give my brother and father something.

But I feel like I am running out of strength. I have my SN and meto purchased and hidden in my apartment. The pull to end it all now is stronger than ever. I am just so tired of hurting. My doctor is making me recommence old medications that never worked out of desperation. My partner is quite abusive - he makes me feel so worthless but I can't leave because I am so isolated now. He also controls my income as he is one of my supervisors. So I am exceptionally broke. I have no idea how much longer I can afford to live like this.

I feel like my endurance is almost out. I don't even have a court date yet. I feel like this would be easier if I knew I was counting down to something concrete.

And lastly, I worry so much about my dog. I'm so scared about where he will go when I die.

I feel really alone right now. Thank you for reading.

Sending you lots of love.

I understand how a abusive partner can destroy your confidence, self-esteem and make you feel suicidal. I don't know how long you have felt this way, or your history with depression, but I can guarantee this relationship is adding to your misery. he is controlling your whole existence and this is an awful thing to live with. It is hard, I know..getting up and leaving is very difficult but it can be done. Do you have any friends or family that would take you in temporarily until you sort yourself out? There is no shame in asking for help. I agree with the advice the others gave about going to HR and explaining the situation - essentially he is lying to them about you not being able to work.
Who knows how you may feel once you are away from him. Think about it.

 

[Rocksandsand]

Thank you everyone for getting me through the night. I ended up needing a hefty bit of valium to calm down and get some sleep.

It's very complicated with HR. I work in a government role and HR is notoriously unsupportive. I don't know what I'll do exactly... in the words of every person with an abusive partner, I don't want to leave them, I want the abuse to stop. But that happening is entirely unlikely - I accept that.

I'm trying to work on an exit strategy to survive until this court shit is done. I do adore my brother and father, but family is complicated and I can't rely on support from them (they have good intentions, but they don't have the means or capacity to help).

Fortunately, I live alone. So I don't need to worry about shelter. I just need to get through until court is settled

 

[TowerUpright]

So sorry you have to deal with this crap. You've got us all here, if you ever need to talk or if you want us to simply listen.

Sending positive vibes and strength from the U.S.

 

[oopswronglife]

But that happening is entirely unlikely

Not unlikely...impossible. It simply does not happen. There is a quote I believe is from Maya Angelou but I may be wrong, and I may get it wrong, but its something like "When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time". You deserve better.

 

[arelia]

It's very complicated with HR. I work in a government role and HR is notoriously unsupportive.

I'm glad things seem a little less bleak today but if your HR is bad (I'm guessing it's state govt but if it's local or federal it's the same advice I'll give) get in contact with your union and let them deal with it for you.
If you're not a member of a union, you should join one anyway and if you are, then take advantage of their service.

 

[HGL91]

@Rocksandsand Your profile picture of Jane takes me back to a simpler time. A time when I could skip doing homework for a night with very little consequence and watch a marathon of Daria episodes. :)