Venting Running out of reasons to stay here.

[Less_Negative]

Why are you still here?
Do you have a goal in life?
Something or someone that keeps you here?
A wish?
I do and I have begun my path to reach it. Yet, the more I tread - the more I realise I might not have what it takes to achieve it. Doubts and worries have filled my mind and the realisation that I cannot do what is asked of me is beginning to hit me.
I desire a purpose in this life, something that will strip me away from all my past failures and distract me from the woes of life, but the purpose I seek may not be for me after all.

So, what would you do if your dream - the only thing that gave you that little bit of hope to wake up every day - was suddenly taken away from you, by none other than yourself? What if you tried your hardest to overcome yourself and your shortcomings, only to find out you are simply not enough?
Would you keep trying?
Wasting your life chasing that little star in the sky, suffering every step of the way there, until you either reach it or die trying?
Or would you just simply give up?
Throw in the towel and realise everything you wanted out of this life will always stay out of your reach.

I am starting to contemplate the second choice. I am getting older and older, yet the pain remains the same. To many I'm still young, yet I already feel like I've lived long enough.
Enough worries, enough tears, enough failures and enough solitude.
All I want is to leave my life behind, to stop being a burden to everyone around me, to stop feeling like I'm stuck in a hole of my own making. To stop being myself.
My family knows I am nothing but bad news, so maybe they won't be surprised when I eventually leave for good.
It won't ease their pain or make their lives any easier, but I don't think I can keep on living just for their sake. I've already held off for long enough.
If everything I try ends in failure, why keep trying at all?

I think my clock has begun ticking and I don't know how much time I have left.

 

[Ociv]

I can feel where you are coming from.

This is such an accurate description that I could have written it myself two years ago.

I feel all these pains too, and I did give up.

If you still have any strength left to fight, fight. don't give up until you have tried all roads, exhausted all avenues, done everything in your power. not until you hear that bell.

 

[LunarLight]

I feel for you so much...

 

[Nikitatos]

I am starting to contemplate the second choice. I am getting older and older, yet the pain remains the same. To many I'm still young, yet I already feel like I've lived long enough.

I feel the same way. It's one thing to want to CTB when you're 15 or 20 years old. You actually do have your whole life ahead of you and things could conceivably get better. But when you get older and you've tried everything, the second choice gets easier and seems like the right path.

If you're suicidal when you're 6 years old...... and when you're 15..... and when you're 20, and 30, and 40, etc. it all starts to seem pretty pointless. I can safely assume at this point this is just my life. Logically, it's only going to get worse, not better. Older, sicker, poorer.....having tried everything.

At least you have some things that still interest you.

 

[Lost Magic]

I here you. I don't want to be here either but there are multiple voices in my head telling me different things. It's so frustrating.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Being born in the first place is the only reason I need. There is no sane reason to want to exist on this toxic, disgusting planet. We could easily be sleeping 24/7 for eternity. Free of stress and worries. Seems like a no-brainer choice to me.

 

[LaughingGoat]

I'm here on this forum and think of death constantly some I'm a hypocrite to advise this, but I've found that volunteering and helping people & animals is the only thing I find worth doing anymore. If I'm being honest, it doesn't give me a desire to keep living, but it at least for me makes the pain of existence not worthless if I know someone else is benefiting. I figure if I'm going to deal with depression for the rest of my life until I am in the position where I can ctb, I might as well help others and hopefully lessen the suffering of people who want to keep living.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, similarly to you, I found something in life to keep me going- my creative career. It has always felt like my crutch and purpose in life. It did a very good job of keeping me afloat for at least 30 years. The most suicidal periods in adulthood have corresponded to periods where I've been failing in it. Realistically- it's always under threat. It's a very difficult job to sustain financially.

Weirdly though, currently it's going better. So, I have that weird situation where I got what I wanted but it doesn't feel enough. So, I suppose that tends to tell me that I've done all I could or wanted to. As for what's actually keeping me here- it's because I think my suicide would really upset my Dad. So, I want to wait for him to go first.

As to whether you should keep going. I guess it depends. I don't know what it is that brings you purpose but, do you get fulfilment out of working towards it or, is it only when you succeed in it that you're hoping it will bring you that satisfaction? I used to find being creative so therapeutic. Almost meditative. So, the journey to me was also in part at least fulfilling. If that's the case for you, then maybe that will be enough for it to sustain you. Whether you quite reach your goals or not.

I kind of abandoned some of my goals. Partly because I know I'm not sufficiently good enough for them but also- looking at them realistically, my industry is hugely exploitative in those top jobs. I found myself asking myself- do I actually even want to work 16 hour days?!! Do I want to have to travel all over the country and pay two sets of bills/rent? Do I want to be a tiny fish verging on plankton in an enormous pond? Do I want to be working with genius level people that will crush my confidence? Probably not. I don't know whether you can feel happier settling for less but I suppose I did in a way.

Ultimately though, if you still have the motivation to try- I think that's a good foundation. I've reached a point where I'm losing my motivation. I still care about doing a good job. I still worry about failure. But, the past couple of years, something has shifted. More and more about life feels like a chore. With so little enthusiasm, everything feels like a battle now. I hope you find your way through this though.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It'd be better if I was dead since many years. But my mom would not survive me CTB and she also cannot understand y CTB would be such a good option for me and there's still to much hope left even though not much. Long term my life would not be too bad but also not the life I expected for myself, yet not bad enough to CTB, although I've given up the idea of a great recovery. I have no goals in life anymore.