It seems like I fucked it up with a pretty interesting woman in a record time. I am analyzing my mistakes. And the game is rigged against me. The mixture of psychosis and autism in overthinking is lethal. I am an individual that is very harsh on myself. I am calculating all the time which the best options are. Where can I increase my chances to achieve my goals? Which options decrease my chance? And the whole thing is utterly rigged against me. It is not a fair game.
I am overthinking so much. And I am so hard on myself. I torture myself for minor mistakes for a very long time. It is a human abyss.
I am especially careful about minor mistakes that do a lot of damage. And I am highly neurotic. I don't tilt back with my chair anymore because as a kid they told me you can become disabled if you fall the wrong way. I am highly risk averse but I realized it does not make a change in my case. Personally, I have not done a really major mistake in my life. I think I should never drive a car. I don't have the abilities for that. I would accidentally kill someone. I could not handle the pressure knowing if I make a mistake I go to prison. I even brought this point up in my (successfull) request for nursing care money. My anxiety is paralyzing. In my job it was horrible. I am autistic and my parents are not responsible for that. But I was beaten up every single day by my mom from age 5 to 15. I was bullied severely. This destroyed my mental health. I cannot build a life on that. It is almost impossible. Too ill to work. Too ill to find a partner. I have really good friends. And I think without them I would either be completely insane, lost in my paranoia or already dead.
I think it is good I found SaSu with SN because it is a method I am not that much scared about. I wonder though what would have happened if I took it last October. The police would have found me way too early. I was so scared that my mom gets a stroke if I attempt to ctb. Not to mentioned the small likelihood if I had gotten irreversible damage. This fear stopped me from attempting a couple of times. I just cannot imagine how much I would despise myself for fucking up my suicide attempt ending up more disabled. I read cases on here. And bro I would torment myself 24/7 for the rest of my life. I would feel even more imprisonned in this hell hole. I think I might would become totally insane over the mental pain. I could never accept it. I could imagine it could desensitize me from future attempts. But watching the aftermath. Seeing my family almost dying over my suicide attempt. I think this would be totally insane mental pain. They all would blame me. I think this realization led me to the conclusion to wait until my mom is dead. I stopped going to college. I can only survive shortterm. One year has passed since I quit college (I tried it for one month in April though). And my mental health is still a total disaster. And I gave so fucking much for this college degree. And it just accelerated my demise. Every decision I make brings me closer to suicide. And there seems to be no escape. I think I just give up and hope for a miracle. It is not like I can change anything. In clinic reports it says before I entered college my resting pulse was 70...One year after I quit college my resting pulse is still over 110. I cannot believe that I have to live in this hell.
I think this hope for love is essential for my will to live. I can see that I might be too ill for a longterm relationship. I would even go for a shortterm relationship. Always when I date women I have in mind. I don't actually have a future. I am going to kill myself. What do I have to offer them actually? How much will I have to hide my pain? People will argument people like me should stay away from the dating market. I have met some women though who did way way worse things. One woman was dating 4 men behind the back of her boyfriend. I mean I am a wreck but at least I don't do that. The time with the other borderline woman was amazing. It hold like 1 month the good time and then everything collapsed pretty quickly. But it wasn't really my fault. And I think she systematically lied to me after our first date. I think she probably did a lot of fucked up things behind my back too. I mean I am at least not doing that when I am dating someone. I don't actually cheat. Maybe I should go for friends with benefits. But I never had sex. I think women want someone who are actually good at it when they go for that. Going to a sex worker. I don't know many things could go wrong.
I am still so scared to make my life irreversibly much worse. (like getting an STD) And there is always a worse. And I am tormenting me over every small mistake I make. Things I have done 6 years ago where I acted weird in a psychotic state. Despite the fact I fucking torture myself over all of that. And I try in a ridiculous way to improve my chance to get better. Analyzing situations where I fucked it up.
I think the main mistake was the extreme daily abuse by my mom. And this wasn't someting I could have actually escaped. It also was not something that happened once and from this poin/day it went downhill. It was a long process. And my brain could not cope much longer.
It just took me the basics for a happy life. And from my adolescent where the damage was done I could not win. I try to be strategically. I try to say me I can try my best. But I think it is actually impossible. Just two weeks ago my therapist considered to drop me. And I told her it is not hopeless. What shall I tell her on Tuesday? I fucked it up again. I needed someone who gives me hope. But there seems to be noone.
I don't have any responsiblities. For people from other continents I live a luxury life. My family supports me so much. I even get nursing care money because I am so ill. But I am so so so deeply unhappy. I have to take addictive sleep medication when I text with women. I need to take it when I go to my self-help group. All these women want something else. I am not real with them. If they knew me they would not be interested. I would be willed to change. But honestly I am laying in my bed all day. This will probably bring a lot of illnesses to me one day. I am not active in any way. I am pretty thin because I am always hungry. I starve myself. But I think 80-90 % of my life I lay in bed. I am playing video games. I am listening to newspaper articles or politics articles. I am texting with people. I am posting in a suicide forum about my agony. And this is my life. This is my whole life. And I think it is my ideal life. I had the means to change. For a partner I would certainly change. I had dates where we spend time outside took long walks. And it was funny. But alone I would not do it. The whole thing with politics is pathetic anyway with my news articles addiction. This is has nothing to do with knowledge. I am just reading one article after the other and feel proud. They are mostly either journalistic or popular science. They are worth bascially nothing. I am not reading science papers. The whole thing is useless. I like to talk with my friends about politics. But if I am not interested in science or statistics I will always remain an intellectual fraud. Which is a pretty empty existence. (on top of my other problems)
Why was my mom so stupid to abuse me this much? And she thought she would actually do me a favor. My parents do everything for me now. But if I killed myself and I would not care about them. They have fucked it up too much. They had to handle the consequences. I think if I survived it I had to witness my mom getting another stroke. My mom cares for everyone in this family. We would be totally fucked if she became disabled. And everyone would blame it on me. Maybe I don't have to wait until she dies. After two strokes it is more likely to get dementia. And sometimes I have the feeling she shows signs. It would be a good reason to kill myself if she got the diagnosis.
At least I can tell myself from birth the game was rigged against me. Autism can be a huge issue too. But if I didn't have to experience all this abuse I would have never become such a mental wreck. A shell of normal human being.
I need to take a break. I need to take a break of life. My urge to talk with people about suicide gets stronger. I wish I died. Alll of this hell. Actually, I don't know what to do. There is nothing I can do. Even becoming fully acute suicidal would make the situation worse. Last year I had two clinic stays. I had the feeling I was too ill for both. In one I was convinced I triggered someone into suicide. I was an extremely frightening experience. It was a delusion though. And in the other stay they sort of realized the stay does not really help. It made me feel worse in some ways.
There is nothing I can do. Every attempt to save me backfires. I have to experience so much pain. I really don't think that this will continue for many more decades. I cannot endure this a couple of decades longer. I almost killed myself 9 months ago. It is a matter of time when it will happen. I think when my mom is dead or disabled I will be gone. If I tried to be prepared I would do it way earlier. With the SN at home I was way more impulsive. If I ordered it again I would probably attempt within the next 6 months.
Sometimes I don't even have the energy to vent on here anymore. Everything just repeates anyway.
I am overthinking so much. And I am so hard on myself. I torture myself for minor mistakes for a very long time. It is a human abyss.
I am especially careful about minor mistakes that do a lot of damage. And I am highly neurotic. I don't tilt back with my chair anymore because as a kid they told me you can become disabled if you fall the wrong way. I am highly risk averse but I realized it does not make a change in my case. Personally, I have not done a really major mistake in my life. I think I should never drive a car. I don't have the abilities for that. I would accidentally kill someone. I could not handle the pressure knowing if I make a mistake I go to prison. I even brought this point up in my (successfull) request for nursing care money. My anxiety is paralyzing. In my job it was horrible. I am autistic and my parents are not responsible for that. But I was beaten up every single day by my mom from age 5 to 15. I was bullied severely. This destroyed my mental health. I cannot build a life on that. It is almost impossible. Too ill to work. Too ill to find a partner. I have really good friends. And I think without them I would either be completely insane, lost in my paranoia or already dead.
I think it is good I found SaSu with SN because it is a method I am not that much scared about. I wonder though what would have happened if I took it last October. The police would have found me way too early. I was so scared that my mom gets a stroke if I attempt to ctb. Not to mentioned the small likelihood if I had gotten irreversible damage. This fear stopped me from attempting a couple of times. I just cannot imagine how much I would despise myself for fucking up my suicide attempt ending up more disabled. I read cases on here. And bro I would torment myself 24/7 for the rest of my life. I would feel even more imprisonned in this hell hole. I think I might would become totally insane over the mental pain. I could never accept it. I could imagine it could desensitize me from future attempts. But watching the aftermath. Seeing my family almost dying over my suicide attempt. I think this would be totally insane mental pain. They all would blame me. I think this realization led me to the conclusion to wait until my mom is dead. I stopped going to college. I can only survive shortterm. One year has passed since I quit college (I tried it for one month in April though). And my mental health is still a total disaster. And I gave so fucking much for this college degree. And it just accelerated my demise. Every decision I make brings me closer to suicide. And there seems to be no escape. I think I just give up and hope for a miracle. It is not like I can change anything. In clinic reports it says before I entered college my resting pulse was 70...One year after I quit college my resting pulse is still over 110. I cannot believe that I have to live in this hell.
I think this hope for love is essential for my will to live. I can see that I might be too ill for a longterm relationship. I would even go for a shortterm relationship. Always when I date women I have in mind. I don't actually have a future. I am going to kill myself. What do I have to offer them actually? How much will I have to hide my pain? People will argument people like me should stay away from the dating market. I have met some women though who did way way worse things. One woman was dating 4 men behind the back of her boyfriend. I mean I am a wreck but at least I don't do that. The time with the other borderline woman was amazing. It hold like 1 month the good time and then everything collapsed pretty quickly. But it wasn't really my fault. And I think she systematically lied to me after our first date. I think she probably did a lot of fucked up things behind my back too. I mean I am at least not doing that when I am dating someone. I don't actually cheat. Maybe I should go for friends with benefits. But I never had sex. I think women want someone who are actually good at it when they go for that. Going to a sex worker. I don't know many things could go wrong.
I am still so scared to make my life irreversibly much worse. (like getting an STD) And there is always a worse. And I am tormenting me over every small mistake I make. Things I have done 6 years ago where I acted weird in a psychotic state. Despite the fact I fucking torture myself over all of that. And I try in a ridiculous way to improve my chance to get better. Analyzing situations where I fucked it up.
I think the main mistake was the extreme daily abuse by my mom. And this wasn't someting I could have actually escaped. It also was not something that happened once and from this poin/day it went downhill. It was a long process. And my brain could not cope much longer.
It just took me the basics for a happy life. And from my adolescent where the damage was done I could not win. I try to be strategically. I try to say me I can try my best. But I think it is actually impossible. Just two weeks ago my therapist considered to drop me. And I told her it is not hopeless. What shall I tell her on Tuesday? I fucked it up again. I needed someone who gives me hope. But there seems to be noone.
I don't have any responsiblities. For people from other continents I live a luxury life. My family supports me so much. I even get nursing care money because I am so ill. But I am so so so deeply unhappy. I have to take addictive sleep medication when I text with women. I need to take it when I go to my self-help group. All these women want something else. I am not real with them. If they knew me they would not be interested. I would be willed to change. But honestly I am laying in my bed all day. This will probably bring a lot of illnesses to me one day. I am not active in any way. I am pretty thin because I am always hungry. I starve myself. But I think 80-90 % of my life I lay in bed. I am playing video games. I am listening to newspaper articles or politics articles. I am texting with people. I am posting in a suicide forum about my agony. And this is my life. This is my whole life. And I think it is my ideal life. I had the means to change. For a partner I would certainly change. I had dates where we spend time outside took long walks. And it was funny. But alone I would not do it. The whole thing with politics is pathetic anyway with my news articles addiction. This is has nothing to do with knowledge. I am just reading one article after the other and feel proud. They are mostly either journalistic or popular science. They are worth bascially nothing. I am not reading science papers. The whole thing is useless. I like to talk with my friends about politics. But if I am not interested in science or statistics I will always remain an intellectual fraud. Which is a pretty empty existence. (on top of my other problems)
Why was my mom so stupid to abuse me this much? And she thought she would actually do me a favor. My parents do everything for me now. But if I killed myself and I would not care about them. They have fucked it up too much. They had to handle the consequences. I think if I survived it I had to witness my mom getting another stroke. My mom cares for everyone in this family. We would be totally fucked if she became disabled. And everyone would blame it on me. Maybe I don't have to wait until she dies. After two strokes it is more likely to get dementia. And sometimes I have the feeling she shows signs. It would be a good reason to kill myself if she got the diagnosis.
At least I can tell myself from birth the game was rigged against me. Autism can be a huge issue too. But if I didn't have to experience all this abuse I would have never become such a mental wreck. A shell of normal human being.
I need to take a break. I need to take a break of life. My urge to talk with people about suicide gets stronger. I wish I died. Alll of this hell. Actually, I don't know what to do. There is nothing I can do. Even becoming fully acute suicidal would make the situation worse. Last year I had two clinic stays. I had the feeling I was too ill for both. In one I was convinced I triggered someone into suicide. I was an extremely frightening experience. It was a delusion though. And in the other stay they sort of realized the stay does not really help. It made me feel worse in some ways.
There is nothing I can do. Every attempt to save me backfires. I have to experience so much pain. I really don't think that this will continue for many more decades. I cannot endure this a couple of decades longer. I almost killed myself 9 months ago. It is a matter of time when it will happen. I think when my mom is dead or disabled I will be gone. If I tried to be prepared I would do it way earlier. With the SN at home I was way more impulsive. If I ordered it again I would probably attempt within the next 6 months.
Sometimes I don't even have the energy to vent on here anymore. Everything just repeates anyway.
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