Help Ruining my relationship with my jealousy.

[dump224477]

i need some serious help. yesterday, i joined a discord call with my boyfriend, his friend, and his friends girlfriend. we called to play video games, this was my first time meeting my boyfriends friends girlfriend, i'll call her dime.

in the beginning, it was going fine, i didn't really talk to dime cause i was feeling a little shy and intimidated by how cute her voice was, and i ended up getting super upset over the fact that my boyfriend was talking to her, like in a innocent way, literally just as friends.

recently i've been super busy and haven't been online much, and while i'm out busy, my boyfriend is at home bored, he usually tells me whenever he gets into calls with others and i love it.

my boyfriend would also often tell me that he was in a call with his friend and dime, when he told me that, on the inside i was filled with rage and jealousy purely because of the fact dime is a girl, im really bad with communicating about my feelings with jealousy so whenever this happens i usually change my mood and become passive aggressive, please keep in mind, my boyfriend is the sweetest boy ever, he wouldn't ever cheat on me (at least he's convinced me he wouldn't)

then after a couple more text he would usually notice that my mood changed, then after some more text of him trying to convince me to tell him what's bothering me, i tell him it's because he's with dime,

also, i barely met dime yesterday, and we private messaged and seemed to get along well. i like her. i just hate her around my boyfriend.

after i would tell him that i'm upset over his friends girlfriend, it would usually start an argument, because we have talked about this so so many times. and it usually ends in me saying that i'll stop feeling this way or something.

anyway, yesterday, things got fucking horrible. i kept thinking about all of the times he's told me he was in a call with his friend and dime, not knowing how attractive her voice was, i was like whatever with it. now that i've met her, i just feel so fucking insecure and stupid.

after i went quiet, he private messaged me and asked if everything was okay, at first i told him things were okay, but he kept pushing and i said i felt insecure and jealous. he got really upset. we got in a really bad argument while still being in the group call, but at this point me and my boyfriend were just muted.

my boyfriend kept saying how miserable i make his life because of my jealously issues. hearing that breaks me, i don't want to be this jealous, i want to be able to hang out with his friends without thinking i'm going to be left or something.

after some more arguing, it was basically me sobbing and repeating that i'm sorry for being the way i am blah blah blah, i left the call.

after that, i told him i needed to be alone. whenever i left, i took some pills that would make me feel drowsy and i hoped that i would just forget about all of this. i also ending up relapsing and cutting myself. my boyfriend said if i did anything to harm myself, i would never hear from him again, so i didn't tell him i harmed myself in any way.

after trying everything to try and cheer myself up, nothing really worked. then later on, he texted me he missed me, i didn't reply because i was in too much pain and was sobbing uncontrollably. i also knew that if we started texting again, i would just get super sad after i spent so long trying to make myself happy.

he double texted and i replied, we talked a little and tried to make things go back to normal. but i couldn't do that, everything in me was in so much heartbreak and i was extremely lonely and depressed. i asked him to private call cause i really needed him, and he said soon. he said soon because he was with his friends and playing a game, i felt so fucking betrayed.

i felt like i had lost him then and there. after he said that he wouldn't call me right then, i broke. i took a bunch of pills, adding on to the ones i had taken before that, and that's where i felt closest to death ever. i needed him and he was choosing a game over me.

i told him then that i felt as if i was going to die, he agreed to calling. after the call started, i was sobbing and he was quiet. i felt so alone and ruined, i asked why wouldn't he want to call, he said because he didn't want my sadness to ruin his mood. i sobbed more. after a little bit, i went quiet because i had realized that i wasn't cared about the way i used to be cared about. and i had realized my relationship was pretty much over, i was prioritized over a game and friends and that was it for me. but i also realized, he's the only person i have, i envisioned life without him and i couldn't. after i went quiet, i just told myself to suck up all of my feelings and to be there for him.

i promised myself that from now on, i don't care how much jealousy i feel, or how sad i feel, he will not know of it.

if i lost him i would be done for. seriously, so right now, i'm just trying to be the happiest i can be and be the best girlfriend i can be.

yes i know i'm a overreacter, yes i know i'm crazy for making such a big deal out of something harmless, yes i know i ruin everything. i hate how jealous i can get just as much as he does, i hate how much of a depressed loser i can be as much as he does. i don't know how to change, it feels impossible, thinking about my boyfriend looking at girls, hearing their voices, being in a girls presence, makes me want to fucking rip my eyes out and die. i wish i wasn't like this, i wish i could be a normal person. i wish i wasn't so obsessive and possessive. i wish he still cared about me as much as before. i feel like overdosing right now, that seems like the only way he would care again.

if you read this, please help me. maybe this was more than a rant rather than anything else though, anyway thank you if you read,

there's a lot of things i didn't include, if you have questions please ask.

this is a long distance relationship by the way, we have met before but are online again
plz help what do i do
plz help what do i do

 

[020x]

This is not an overreaction. You told him how you felt and he just blamed you for being the problem. I don't know what to say here but if you are not his priority over a game then that's not real love.

I'm sorry that you feel this way. Hopefully everything will go well! Hugs*

 

[dump224477]

This is not an overreaction. You told him how you felt and he just blamed you for being the problem. I don't know what to say here but if you are not his priority over a game then that's not real love.

I'm sorry that you feel this way. Hopefully everything will go well! Hugs*

i really don't want to see things this way, i want to believe that he cares about me. i think it's real love. i tend to make rants lean more towards me being the victim.
thanks for your input.
help please i'm tired of going crazy

 

[Stuckinpast28]

To be honest and I know you won't like to hear this but it sounds like you are in a toxic relationship, he puts you on the back burner for his friends and his own feelings. He blames you for making him in a bad mood, and instead of helping you, he threatens to leave you if you harm yourself which is a fucking stupid thing to say to a person who self-harms because that's just gonna make them want to self-harm even more. When a guy loves someone he drops everything to talk to them when the person needs them, when he doesn't he tries to avoid them, That's experience from a guy.

 

[dump224477]

thank you for replying
i think he reason why he says he doesn't want me to ruin his mood is because i've been like this for the majority of the relationship.
i under if he is tired of dealing with all of my non sense, most of the time this happens, it feels as if i have no reason as to why i am sad

i'm diagnosed with severe depression, sometimes i think it's just with that

i can tell he cares about me , he is just a bit tired of having to deal with the same problems over and over again after me consistently saying i'll change.

To be honest and I know you won't like to hear this but it sounds like you are in a toxic relationship, he puts you on the back burner for his friends and his own feelings. He blames you for making him in a bad mood, and instead of helping you, he threatens to leave you if you harm yourself which is a fucking stupid thing to say to a person who self-harms because that's just gonna make them want to self-harm even more. When a guy loves someone he drops everything to talk to them when the person needs them, when he doesn't he tries to avoid them, That's experience f

 

[Stuckinpast28]

:/ Usually I'd recommend couples therapy but it being a long-distance relationship makes it complicated. You could try couples therapy maybe they could do it over the internet. otherwise, I don't see other options, The way I see things both of you are gonna end up being hurt if nothing changes.

 

[F&Inside]

Hello.
Even the most insecure woman can feel the most self-confident woman if she is with a real man and it's true love, but it's impossible with immature guys who give typical high school problems.
This is not really serious, it is not the expected behavior of a man, he looks more like a kid.
As a man, I would try to make my woman feel comfortable at all times and I would give her total security.

I hope you can have a reciprocated relationship with a person with more maturity, you will notice the huge difference. Then those problems that you think are yours will disappear.

 

[dump224477]

i think if things don't get solved overtime, i'll recommend it. thank you

:/ Usually I'd recommend couples therapy but it being a long-distance relationship makes it complicated. You could try couples therapy maybe they could do it over the internet. otherwise, I don't see other options, The way I see things both of you are gonna end up being hurt if nothing changes.

Hello.
Even the most insecure woman can feel the most self-confident woman if she is with a real man and it's true love, but it's impossible with immature guys who give typical high school problems.
This is not really serious, it is not the expected behavior of a man, he looks more like a kid.
As a man, I would try to make my woman feel comfortable at all times and I would give her total security.

I hope you can have a reciprocated relationship with a person with more maturity, you will notice the huge difference. Then those problems that you think are yours will disappear.

would you still have the same mindset if the person you were dating said they would change their jealous behavior but didn't over and over again? after telling her that she has absolutely nothing to worry about? i feel like this purely cause of insecurity with myself. but i hate the bullshit saying you can't love someone until you love yourself, i think i hate it cause it's true.

 

[velocitydesigncmfrt]

hi dump,
i myself just got into a long-distance after he switched unis across the country (currently 1500 mi away now)

whenever i feel jealous (although i am not a jealous person), i try not to bring it up unless it feels like it's almost enveloping my thoughts. i try to vent by journaling or telling another party, whether that's a person or even just a plushy in my room lol
sometimes u kinda have to tell urself, if he wants to cheat or even break a boundary of urs, then that's his decision, not your doing at all. you can beg and beg him not to break your heart, but at the end of the day, it could always happen. it happened with my last bf :(
my pms are always open, as a girl with a long distance relationship, if u wanna vent or anything
good luck<3

 

[dump224477]

hi dump,
i myself just got into a long-distance after he switched unis across the country (currently 1500 mi away now)

whenever i feel jealous (although i am not a jealous person), i try not to bring it up unless it feels like it's almost enveloping my thoughts. i try to vent by journaling or telling another party, whether that's a person or even just a plushy in my room lol
sometimes u kinda have to tell urself, if he wants to cheat or even break a boundary of urs, then that's his decision, not your doing at all. you can beg and beg him not to break your heart, but at the end of the day, it could always happen. it happened with my last bf :(
my pms are always open, as a girl with a long distance relationship, if u wanna vent or anything
good luck<3

i pmed u !! <3

 

[Stuckinpast28]

would you still have the same mindset if the person you were dating said they would change their jealous behavior but didn't over and over again? after telling her that she has absolutely nothing to worry about? i feel like this purely cause of insecurity with myself. but i hate the bullshit saying you can't love someone until you love yourself, i think i hate it cause it's true.

I've dated someone like this, at the time it kinda pissed me off but now I realize that I hated myself and was finding a reason to vent that anger so I verbally lashed out at her until we broke up. I regret this now because she was the sweetest and most kind person I've known, even after all the anger and hate I threw at her she still wanted us to get back together, eventually, she moved on but I truly believe that the day we broke up was the day I died inside.

 

[dump224477]

I've dated someone like this, at the time it kinda pissed me off but now I realize that I hated myself and was finding a reason to vent that anger so I verbally lashed out at her until we broke up. I regret this now because she was the sweetest and most kind person I've known, even after all the anger and hate I threw at her she still wanted us to get back together, eventually, she moved on but I truly believe that the day we broke up was the day I died inside.

god, i wouldn't be alive if that happen to me. seriously i don't want to fuck up my relationship more than it already is, i don't know what the fuck to do i feel like it's too late but he's still here. i wish i didn't let my emotions control me so bad

 

[flowers in the mist]

It can feel impossible to control jealousy and emotions like that.. I've done the same things and been a mess in some of my long distance relationships.. It sucks to see other people go through that as well.. I don't really have a solution or any good tips I just want to say that you're not alone and it really sucks dealing with those things.. In my opinion he should have been there for you and not chosen a game over you, but I know the feeling and I've also watched my SO play a game over me because I overdid it with jealousy.

Just because someone has a cute voice and is of that gender doesn't mean your bf will somehow get feelings for her. I know you probably know that but sometimes it's nice being told that because the brain can tell us bad things.. I think you shouldn't have anything to be worried about like that. But to focus on yourself and your jealousy.. It can be a lot easier to talk to someone about these things, people in same situations or a therapist or something.

I sincerely hope it gets easier and you work things out.

 

[dump224477]

It can feel impossible to control jealousy and emotions like that.. I've done the same things and been a mess in some of my long distance relationships.. It sucks to see other people go through that as well.. I don't really have a solution or any good tips I just want to say that you're not alone and it really sucks dealing with those things.. In my opinion he should have been there for you and not chosen a game over you, but I know the feeling and I've also watched my SO play a game over me because I overdid it with jealousy.

Just because someone has a cute voice and is of that gender doesn't mean your bf will somehow get feelings for her. I know you probably know that but sometimes it's nice being told that because the brain can tell us bad things.. I think you shouldn't have anything to be worried about like that. But to focus on yourself and your jealousy.. It can be a lot easier to talk to someone about these things, people in same situations or a therapist or something.

I sincerely hope it gets easier and you work things out.

you reassured me so much, i felt so alone with my jealousy but knowing others have felt the way i've felt before is comforting in a way i hope things get better for me too and i wish you the best life ever

 

[F&Inside]

Hello again.
I understand you, and I'm sorry you're going through this.
Honestly, I would never ask a woman to change, If I'm already in love and I like her the way she is, because for me it's not a problem if she's jealous or whatever. I would try to make her as comfortable as possible, making it clear that she is the priority, and she is. Contributing things, not giving her headaches.
I still think it's childish behavior on his part, and I also think you're being too harsh on yourself.
Anyways good luck.

 

[dump224477]

Hello again.
I understand you, and I'm sorry you're going through this.
Honestly, I would never ask a woman to change, If I'm already in love and I like her the way she is, because for me it's not a problem if she's jealous or whatever. I would try to make her as comfortable as possible, making it clear that she is the priority, and she is. Contributing things, not giving her headaches.
I still think it's childish behavior on his part, and I also think you're being too harsh on yourself.
Anyways good luck.

i can't help but think everything is my fault

 

[Duochrome-Seahorse]

i feel you a lot on how you feel about you being jealous of ur s/o talking to other women who come off more "attractive"(im acc going thru that rn). honestly how he reacted made me so mad, he made it about himself when it was obvious u were in dire need to be reassured that he won't be unfaithful, but even if he wasn't he doesn't seem like he's that great for the long term imo. Hopefully you're able to talk this out fully and build up a coping/support system from it for the next time you feel that way!!!

 

[SexyIncél]

I suspect there's 2 things helpful for you to do:

1. figure out what things are at the root of your insecurity & jealousy — and go some distance in slaying them
2. build alternatives to him, so you have cushions in case you break up. Ironically, it could make him desire you more, as you'll be more chill & have more confidence. Most people (not all) feel pain when problem-solving their partner's psychological problems

Asking you to wait until he's done with his friends... currently only a yellow flag to me. (Based on my limited info.) I could imagine him having a decent reason. Maybe he needed it against stress, maybe he feared damaging valued friendships

But these are red flags:

after i went quiet, he private messaged me and asked if everything was okay, at first i told him things were okay, but he kept pushing and i said i felt insecure and jealous. he got really upset.

i also ending up relapsing and cutting myself. my boyfriend said if i did anything to harm myself, i would never hear from him again, so i didn't tell him i harmed myself in any way. ...

but i also realized, he's the only person i have, i envisioned life without him and i couldn't. after i went quiet, i just told myself to suck up all of my feelings and to be there for him.

If you can't imagine life without him, then you're really fucked. This is not a situation you want to be in

About this level of jealousy... it's fairly common. Maybe a symptom of attachment problems with parents; maybe something else, I dunno. So I don't judge you for this in the least bit! I just feel sad your guy isn't an ideal teammate

And your jealousy's objectively a weakness — one that an insufficiently decent boyfriend can punish you for. Hard

 

[garbagepunk]

that's not love, not even close.
u've got to get outta there

 

[dump224477]

i feel you a lot on how you feel about you being jealous of ur s/o talking to other women who come off more "attractive"(im acc going thru that rn). honestly how he reacted made me so mad, he made it about himself when it was obvious u were in dire need to be reassured that he won't be unfaithful, but even if he wasn't he doesn't seem like he's that great for the long term imo. Hopefully you're able to talk this out fully and build up a coping/support system from it for the next time you feel that way!!!

i'm so glad i'm not alone in this, yeah sometimes i think, is it normal that he makes it about him all the time? i seriously can't tell whenever things are my fault or not. ughhh yeah things seem fine but i'm just gonna stop talking about when i feel jealous and just try to tell myself to stfu. i trust him

that's not love, not even close.
u've got to get outta there

i don't want to : (

 

[dump224477]

I suspect there's 2 things helpful for you to do:

1. figure out what things are at the root of your insecurity & jealousy — and go some distance in slaying them
2. build alternatives to him, so you have cushions in case you break up. Ironically, it could make him desire you more, as you'll be more chill & have more confidence. Most people (not all) feel pain when problem-solving their partner's psychological problems

Asking you to wait until he's done with his friends... currently only a yellow flag to me. (Based on my limited info.) I could imagine him having a decent reason. Maybe he needed it against stress, maybe he feared damaging valued friendships

But these are red flags:

If you can't imagine life without him, then you're really fucked. This is not a situation you want to be in

About this level of jealousy... it's fairly common. Maybe a symptom of attachment problems with parents; maybe something else, I dunno. So I don't judge you for this in the least bit! I just feel sad your guy isn't an ideal teammate

And your jealousy's objectively a weakness — one that an insufficiently decent boyfriend can punish you for. Hard

what do you mean by alternative to him? like cheat on him?

 

[SexyIncél]

If you don't mind, I read your previous posts for a better understanding

what do you mean by alternative to him? like cheat on him?

No; that sounds unethical since you're both monogamous. To my knowledge, he hasn't quite done enough to justify such betrayals. Anyway, it seems unnecessary to monkeybranch like that

However, he did declare when he'd ghost you — in a moment of your greatest weakness & sadness. That ultimatum's a red flag — a huge uh-oh

Imagining myself from his perspective — based on the very little I know about him:

1. I'm providing tough love
2. you're tbh exasperating me
3. [possible, dunno if likely] if I'm not purely monogamous/asexual, I'm probably relying on porn. Due to lack of your pics, unless there's really nice phone sex. Thus your jealousy is kinda making me antsy — am I cheating?

So it seems wise for you to cultivate a social circle that gives you the option of landing well, if he increasingly treats you poorly

But again, I don't know your situation; I realize all OPs offer biased prisms

 

[Stuckinpast28]

what do you mean by alternative to him? like cheat on him?

What he means is that you should develop a circle of friends that you can depend on, distance yourself a little bit from him, and enjoy some time off with those friends. If he truly loves you he will notice that change and it will alleviate some sentiment of overbearness that he might be feeling from you. If he's not toxic he will see that change as a positive and it will most likely improve your relationship with him. If it's the opposite scenario than would suggest get out of that, I'm not seeing any signs of him being controlling but we never know.

 

[Duochrome-Seahorse]

i'm so glad i'm not alone in this, yeah sometimes i think, is it normal that he makes it about him all the time? i seriously can't tell whenever things are my fault or not. ughhh yeah things seem fine but i'm just gonna stop talking about when i feel jealous and just try to tell myself to stfu. i trust him

don't ignore your feelings of jealousness, let yourself feel it and let it out as much as possible!! bottling things up is not good for the long run. you can vent as much as u need to on here or anywhere u can just write/talk it out, like a journal. also not knowing when it's your fault or not is something i feel all too much, like literally if someone talks to me different im like "yeah i fucked up they hate me." but in reality there's so many factors that come in that I'll never know if they actually dislike me or not unless they directly tell me what's wrong.

I hope you're able to spend more time alone with him to just talk about anything to get your mind off it. It's ok if you just want to talk to them every once in a while. If they understand they'd make changes that work for the both of you. If not, then make of what you will and do what you think will make you happy and at ease, even if it's the hardest choice.

 

[childofjesus]

i resonate with this post strongly, im in the same exact situation. the fact that he threatens to leave if you harm yourself is the biggest red flag ever. its supposed to be a scare tactic for you not to do it but either way saying that instead of offering support is so selfish. you should leave him, you aren't in the right headscape, he isn't a good person and isn't understanding of your problems at all

 

[dump224477]

i resonate with this post strongly, im in the same exact situation. the fact that he threatens to leave if you harm yourself is the biggest red flag ever. its supposed to be a scare tactic for you not to do it but either way saying that instead of offering support is so selfish. you should leave him, you aren't in the right headscape, he isn't a good person and isn't understanding of your problems at all

when he says that he means it with good intent, he doesn't know how else to handle my breakdowns. im never going to leave him, i would kill myself if him and i were separated. right now i'm trying to distant myself a little so i'm not so attached but nothings really working, im sad every moment i'm not talking to him.

 

[Henryk]

honestly I believe that relationships are for both to feel good, if that's not the case anymore I suggest you break up and move on. Of course talking is easy but from the outside I truly believe you are in a very strained relationship, it's just not worth dwelling on something that hurts both of you. Regarding jealousy, I believe that it is natural to a certain extent, when it overcomes certain barriers and starts to prevent the other from living his life, it ends up becoming something harmful. In that case, you should act rationally and think if you really have reasons to feel that way.

 

[childofjesus]

when he says that he means it with good intent, he doesn't know how else to handle my breakdowns. im never going to leave him, i would kill myself if him and i were separated. right now i'm trying to distant myself a little so i'm not so attached but nothings really working, im sad every moment i'm not talking to him.

distancing yourself is good, try to spend more time with your friends and distract yourself as much as you can. coming from someone with BPD, i know how you feel, but with time you will feel less attached. i understand where he's coming from but that's definitely not a good response to the situation, this relationship is obviously very stressful for both of you and you will surely be able to find someone who treats you much better. i wish you the best of luck

 

[dump224477]

distancing yourself is good, try to spend more time with your friends and distract yourself as much as you can. coming from someone with BPD, i know how you feel, but with time you will feel less attached. i understand where he's coming from but that's definitely not a good response to the situation, this relationship is obviously very stressful for both of you and you will surely be able to find someone who treats you much better. i wish you the best of luck

i literally have no friends that's the thing

 

[childofjesus]

i literally have no friends that's the thing

i feel u tbh i dont either, you could try making friends here maybe or on online games/discord