Ruining my life so no one misses me?

[traintracks.mp3]

I have thought about ruining my life before I go, so that my friends and family don't miss me. Non-violent crimes, drugs, etc. Has anyone else thought of doing this, is anyone in the process of it, or does anyone have any thoughts on it?

 

[tbroken]

Personally idgaf, since if i'm this way is their fault, at least for a part.

 

[Pikmin]

If they are truly your loved ones, there are really only one or two things you could do to make these people care about you less, and even then, they'd still miss who you were right now. There's no point in lashing out in these ways, if you want to go, go, but everything else is just crying out for help.

 

[traintracks.mp3]

If they are truly your loved ones, there are really only one or two things you could do to make these people care about you less, and even then, they'd still miss who you were right now. There's no point in lashing out in these ways, if you want to go, go, but everything else is just crying out for help.

Thats true, but maybe by ruining my life I could lessen the blow by dragging it out? So its not so sudden.

 

[Pikmin]

Thats true, but maybe by ruining my life I could lessen the blow by dragging it out? So its not so sudden.

It seems like you want attention rather than CTB. The way you speak makes me believe this. No matter what you do, I would wait a week or so before you do anything rash to see if it's really something you want to do.

 

[traintracks.mp3]

I truly want to CTB. By dragging it out, I mean isolating myself, VSED, etc. Attention is the opposite of what I want. I want people to see me as a lost cause and forget about me.

I have lost family to suicide, and the hardest part about it was the suddenness of their death. Illness and drug use, while tragic, was easier to deal with because you can see it coming. Which is why I want this to be something my family can see coming.

I don't want my world to be shook up over my death. I don't want people to say "How could this happen?" I want them to see the end as clearly as I see it, so they have had time to grieve beforehand.

It seems like you want attention rather than CTB. The way you speak makes me believe this. No matter what you do, I would wait a week or so before you do anything rash to see if it's really something you want to do.

Though, I would like to hear other ideas on how to lessen the blow to my family. Ruining my life is a sort of last resort.

 

[aWeeBitTired]

Though, I would like to hear other ideas on how to lessen the blow to my family. Ruining my life is a sort of last resort.

Ruining your life is only going to hurt you further.

You could try and make your request known to your family, that you're thinking of this. Doing this directly takes away this attentive game.

 

[traintracks.mp3]

Ruining your life is only going to hurt you further.

You could try and make your request known to your family, that you're thinking of this. Doing this directly takes away this attentive game.

Thats true, but how would I avoid being committed to a ward in that case? I'm not attempting to discredit this, just genuinely asking as it seems like a much better idea.

 

[Forever Sleep]

To me- that would just look to them, after you'd gone as if there were very clear signs that you were unraveling that they did or didn't choose to ignore.

What if they really pick up on it? What if they ask you what's wrong? What if they come right out and tell you, you are killing yourself slowly and, beg you to stop for them? That they're willing to help you. If they love you, they may well not be prepared to sit back and watch you fall apart. Personally, I just think it means they'll worry for a longer period and if you do it (CTB) and, they make no effort to stop you- they'll know they ignored all the signs.

 

[aWeeBitTired]

Thats true, but how would I avoid being committed to a ward in that case? I'm not attempting to discredit this, just genuinely asking as it seems like a much better idea.

No, you're valid in thinking that. It's a complete disgrace to mental illness that adults are taken away for SI.

It's really hard to give advice given idk how your situation is. You just have to play your cards right. Stay safe.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

i would not go as far as to ruin my life. i have had thoughts as well but eventually i decided it was unnecessary. what i did though was just not respond much. fade out of their lives to make me being gone much less impactful

 

[traintracks.mp3]

To me- that would just look to them, after you'd gone as if there were very clear signs that you were unraveling that they did or didn't choose to ignore.

What if they really pick up on it? What if they ask you what's wrong? What if they come right out and tell you, you are killing yourself slowly and, beg you to stop for them? That they're willing to help you. If they love you, they may well not be prepared to sit back and watch you fall apart. Personally, I just think it means they'll worry for a longer period and if you do it (CTB) and, they make no effort to stop you- they'll know they ignored all the signs.

That's true, in this case, would a sudden death be kinder to them?

i would not go as far as to ruin my life. i have had thoughts as well but eventually i decided it was unnecessary. what i did though was just not respond much. fade out of their lives to make me being gone much less impactful

Perhaps this is a better idea, I do not know why my mind immediately went to a much more disastrous option.

 

[leloyon]

As someone who has partly done so, I think you're just backing yourself into a corner with that.
I don't mean to seem pro-life or anything, but if you have second thoughts about suicide, you're going to find it's much harder or impossible to claw yourself out of the hole you've dug.
It's your decision at the end of the day, but I really wish there was a way for me to dig myself out of here. But alas, I dug myself six feet deep.

 

[traintracks.mp3]

As someone who has partly done so, I think you're just backing yourself into a corner with that.
I don't mean to seem pro-life or anything, but if you have second thoughts about suicide, you're going to find it's much harder or impossible to claw yourself out of the hole you've dug.
It's your decision at the end of the day, but I really wish there was a way for me to dig myself out of here. But alas, I dug myself six feet deep.

Thank you for your insight, I was hoping this thread would reach someone who had experience with this, so I could understand whether it is worth it or not. After reading everyone's messages, I have come to the conclusion there are much less "violent" ways to reach the results I want. Thank you for all your help.

 

[Forever Sleep]

That's true, in this case, would a sudden death be kinder to them?

Perhaps this is a better idea, I do not know why my mind immediately went to a much more disastrous option.

It's really hard to know what would make it easier on them. It's something we all struggle with. Some people tell their loved ones because they feel like they will maybe understand eventually and it will make it less of a shock to them. Others know that telling them will be incredibly upsetting, they'll likely not understand. They'll likely try to help and likely fail and possibly feel guilty when we do CTB that they didn't try harder. Others decide that they simply can't do it to them and try to hang on. It kind of depends on how we think our loved ones will react and we know that better than anyone else. I'm sorry though. It's a horrible position to be in.

 

[traintracks.mp3]

It's really hard to know what would make it easier on them. It's something we all struggle with. Some people tell their loved ones because they feel like they will maybe understand eventually and it will make it less of a shock to them. Others know that telling them will be incredibly upsetting, they'll likely not understand. They'll likely try to help and likely fail and possibly feel guilty when we do CTB that they didn't try harder. Others decide that they simply can't do it to them and try to hang on. It kind of depends on how we think our loved ones will react and we know that better than anyone else. I'm sorry though. It's a horrible position to be in.

It truly is and I feel for anyone in this same position, which I feel is most people considering CTB. If our culture was more understanding towards suicide, circumstances regarding depression and other illnesses causing SI would be easier, and our autonomy would not be stripped away due to our so-called "unsound minds."

 

[leloyon]

As someone who has partly done so, I think you're just backing yourself into a corner with that.
I don't mean to seem pro-life or anything, but if you have second thoughts about suicide, you're going to find it's much harder or impossible to claw yourself out of the hole you've dug.
It's your decision at the end of the day, but I really wish there was a way for me to dig myself out of here. But alas, I dug myself six feet deep.

It has only occurred to me now that I can no longer edit my post, but the best way that I could put it is that if you have second thoughts about suicide and decide you want to live, you might find that your life is so messed up that suicide is your only option at this point, hence my comment about backing yourself into a corner/digging yourself into a hole.
I would say I've partially done this in a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. I haven't seen any alternative to suicide, to the point that in some moments of my life I just haven't cared and self-sabotaged due to the fact that "why bother, I'll be dead before I deal with the consequences..."
So even in (admittedly brief, fleeting) moments where I've thought about possibly trying to make something of myself, due to these past decisions it's just felt hopeless because my self-fulfilling prophecy has come true.
That's not to say I've completely fucked things intentionally, there are still many things outside of my control that have ruined my life to the point that one could argue that it would still be just as unsalvageable even if I had tried.

 

[evenkeel27]

people will still mourn your life even if you ruin it. If you ruin your life, people can mourn you even when you're living, it's not hard to break down at the thought of a loved one sabotaging their life. When you kill yourself it would just make it worse in that respect. If you ruined your own life, your family would be distraught seeing that, even if they only express hatred/resentment toward you, they would be distraught in a similar way to your suicide. Then when you do commit suicide, they'll feel all the same emotions they would if you hadn't ruined your life, they wouldn't be thinking "oh well, they wasted their life anyway", if they love you.