Ruined life, scared of death

[4hrs50min]

My main fear in life has always been death. Since like 12 I could never wrap my head around the thought of forever leaving conciousness. Was told that's way ahead of me and not to worry.

The thought lingered but life treated me good with splendid opportunity and 45k/year income+ a really free profession since 20 + good looks as I have heard. Got dumped by gf and went all in on weed at 23, have had poor impulse control, porn addiction and insane insecurity and probably ADHD all my life. Got manipulated by people i bought weed from wasted all my money so -+ 0$ every month, never put down anything for my future. Suffered psychosis 3 times, completely ruined the career I was set up for, even just last year I had a 3rd shot at making a bearable life but got dragged back to weed addiction through an old "friend" and spent another year cooking up my 3rd psychosis. 30 has passed and some, I can literally feel how I have fried my brain and I had absolutely no good reason or excuse for it.

I've been down after the 2 first psychosis episodes and got slowly out if the drag of it week by week but this time soon 6 months have passed, no improvement in being and all I can think about is how I want to escape my daily thoughts, aching abused body and it's as if I stepped in a horror time machine at 23 and 10 years just passed at a snap and all is ruined.

My family and my therapist keep saying it's mostly about my way of thinking about it and it will resolve with positive thinking. My friends all made smarter choises and have stable life/house/partner and some have kids. I had top setting for life.. started from the top now I'm here. I can't reach any positive thinking, I have been very bad to my body in addiction (also stimulants) so it hurts 24/7.

This feels long although there's a hell of a lot more to the story, mostly more detailed how I made stupid decisions one after another and new chanses that i personally destroyed until my chanses of wellbeing now is/feels 0. Its pathetic that i feel sorry for myself I think, because I was blessed with a lot and lived extremely careless. I was narcissistic although taken adventage of, hanged around people who had nothing to lose and became one.

The past 6 months suicide has been in my thoughts every minute. I used to be able to sleep alot but now I'm on here reading/ generally doom scrolling and looking for 20k/year body destroying jobs while living in a small room with a family member. All my siblings have their lives in order and all of them worry for me. With all right I suppose. Them and my therapist are saying that i have made progress this last month but I know my thoughts, my feeling. It has not been any progress.

I used to be able to sleep a lot, now I'm in bed with anxiety 15-20hrs of the day, sleeping between 23-04 (sleep is my highlight) waking up and realize I'm in my personally created hell every night at 04 and read here about you fellow sufferers.

Last year around this time I made the decision to go back to full time addiction and ruined my 3rd major chance of a shot at life. Living in the haze, the panic and psychosis crept up 6 months ago. Realizing I had done it again. Ruined myself. All that i own is in a cupboard here in my room. Some shoes, shirts and pants. An old computer. It should not be like this.

I have tried stopping doom scrolling and just do anything than being on my phone, reading about folks with similar pains, my parents have done nothing wrong and don't deserve to see their kid self destruct like this. I can't help it. I feel as if I can't help it at least, i have a theory that my dopamine is 100% used up atm and it makes every second without phone distraction painful, although the time on the phone is also painful but slightly less.

Like writing this just now makes it slightly less painful. But I'm soon done writing and it won't have changed anything.

I could be as selfish as killing myself if it was not for my extreme fear of not existing. It's the one thing, my family is big, they are well and they have each other, they would hurt but not as I'm hurting all of the waking hours.

There is a bridge 30min from here, 53m high in to pretty shallow cold water with current. I'm pretty certain that if I would go there and jump at midnight i would not survive. But scared of death/height I'm also sure I could not bare to jump and i would probably get sectioned if anyone find out i tried to do it. But i would love your opinion on it if i one day got the courage. It's an abandoned spot and I doubt i could swim after that fall so I'm as I said pretty certain it would be curtain roll for me that same night I jump.

When I made this account it was 4hrs and 50min before I had intention to jump. I drank some, biked a third of the way and turned around. Thought who am I kidding, I could never do it..

Still holds true. Who am I kidding. I'm buying sugar and cigarettes. Doom scrolling. Brain plays memories from how I abused my 20s. Brain teases me with every opportunity I had to turn this around.

I can't see myself daring to end it. Im cursing out loud as soon as I'm not on the internet doom scrolling. I eat sugary foods, smoke a pack every other day. I make my family worry more. Sometimes i fantasize about one of the jobs I've applied will change my routine sometime in the coming months. But it doesn't hold more than an hour tops.

I know much of what I'm doing is just making it worse. I know what this kind of isolation will do to ones psyche. I am pretty sure that i will suffer the rest of my days, probably more than I do now as time passes, and I'm stuck.

Like stuck in a bad trip. Stuck in a psychosis. Like in hypnosis as in that move Get out.

I can't believe I am in this situation. I ponder if it's the narcissist in me that refuse to accept reality and consequences of my actions. Dying would be a way of escaping consequence, I've dodged many consequences..

If you read all this I am thankful. English is not my first language and I'm feeling fried as I said. Feels like your response should be something like "you idiot, you live the life you made for yourself boho". A part of me is hoping for some miracle.

I don't deserve any miracle
I want to escape
I don't think this part of the forum helps as my number 1 fear is death. Maybe with time SI will lessen if I keep on this track. Scary.

I feel with all of you in a similar destructive mindset, with the good I've seen in life weighed up against the bad I can honestly say it would have been better to not have been. Still, I hope that you and myself get relief, but I can't hope for death. How could I be so terrified of it and live so careless..

Was a relief posting. It's as if we were in a simulation some of the programmers could read this and see a mistake has been made and now that I've written it, it can be fixed.

That's denial
I'm pathetic
I put this on myself
I believe none of you deserve the suffering
Time for me to go back to active suffering
I'm a coward

 

[jodes2]

Sorry you've had to go through multiple episodes of psychosis, it ruins lives. I've had it 3 times too, had to be hospitalised each time, if I'd had jobs I'd have had to have quit.

53m is about half the recommended height for a more certain, quick death unfortunately

 

[FuneralCry]

I agree that it's better to never exist at all, so much unnecessary suffering would have been prevented by never being brought into this world. I'm sorry that you have struggled with fears of death, that must be so dreadful as it's the thing I find comfort in. I believe death to be just like how before we were born where time passed and yet we were not aware of anything. Nothing can hurt us then. Best wishes.

 

[Lookingtotalk]

I think everyone going on about weed being harmless and legal and this and that need to stop, i think it causes a lot of problems for normal people and ESP people with mental illness it makes everything worse, weed is not what got me into my situation, but weed literally never did anything good for me either, drugs and alcohol but esp drugs are really fucking bad, i think gov'ts were right making them illegal and should stay that way, and keep people away from these psych drugs which are just as bad if not worse, making healthy people sick like in my case, once you are on them they change ur brain chemistry and you are dependent or another word ADDICTED to them just like any drugs.

why cant we start promoting drug free life both psych and illicit FROM THE START, i am serious this madd medication is a scam, i think it was right before maybe 1-2% of the population 'needs' these medications and thats it, out of control

im sorry, im just so angry my med helped me with the caveat i needed to take it forever and if i didnt my nervous system would be completely rekt and i would dev problems i never had at the start, i am mad at myself but also psychiatry for ruining my life and giving me shit i didnt need, 90% of psych docs are horseshit, these meds are fucking dangerous

 

[Hypocrite_]

My main fear in life has always been death. Since like 12 I could never wrap my head around the thought of forever leaving conciousness. Was told that's way ahead of me and not to worry.

The thought lingered but life treated me good with splendid opportunity and 45k/year income+ a really free profession since 20 + good looks as I have heard. Got dumped by gf and went all in on weed at 23, have had poor impulse control, porn addiction and insane insecurity and probably ADHD all my life. Got manipulated by people i bought weed from wasted all my money so -+ 0$ every month, never put down anything for my future. Suffered psychosis 3 times, completely ruined the career I was set up for, even just last year I had a 3rd shot at making a bearable life but got dragged back to weed addiction through an old "friend" and spent another year cooking up my 3rd psychosis. 30 has passed and some, I can literally feel how I have fried my brain and I had absolutely no good reason or excuse for it.

I've been down after the 2 first psychosis episodes and got slowly out if the drag of it week by week but this time soon 6 months have passed, no improvement in being and all I can think about is how I want to escape my daily thoughts, aching abused body and it's as if I stepped in a horror time machine at 23 and 10 years just passed at a snap and all is ruined.

My family and my therapist keep saying it's mostly about my way of thinking about it and it will resolve with positive thinking. My friends all made smarter choises and have stable life/house/partner and some have kids. I had top setting for life.. started from the top now I'm here. I can't reach any positive thinking, I have been very bad to my body in addiction (also stimulants) so it hurts 24/7.

This feels long although there's a hell of a lot more to the story, mostly more detailed how I made stupid decisions one after another and new chanses that i personally destroyed until my chanses of wellbeing now is/feels 0. Its pathetic that i feel sorry for myself I think, because I was blessed with a lot and lived extremely careless. I was narcissistic although taken adventage of, hanged around people who had nothing to lose and became one.

The past 6 months suicide has been in my thoughts every minute. I used to be able to sleep alot but now I'm on here reading/ generally doom scrolling and looking for 20k/year body destroying jobs while living in a small room with a family member. All my siblings have their lives in order and all of them worry for me. With all right I suppose. Them and my therapist are saying that i have made progress this last month but I know my thoughts, my feeling. It has not been any progress.

I used to be able to sleep a lot, now I'm in bed with anxiety 15-20hrs of the day, sleeping between 23-04 (sleep is my highlight) waking up and realize I'm in my personally created hell every night at 04 and read here about you fellow sufferers.

Last year around this time I made the decision to go back to full time addiction and ruined my 3rd major chance of a shot at life. Living in the haze, the panic and psychosis crept up 6 months ago. Realizing I had done it again. Ruined myself. All that i own is in a cupboard here in my room. Some shoes, shirts and pants. An old computer. It should not be like this.

I have tried stopping doom scrolling and just do anything than being on my phone, reading about folks with similar pains, my parents have done nothing wrong and don't deserve to see their kid self destruct like this. I can't help it. I feel as if I can't help it at least, i have a theory that my dopamine is 100% used up atm and it makes every second without phone distraction painful, although the time on the phone is also painful but slightly less.

Like writing this just now makes it slightly less painful. But I'm soon done writing and it won't have changed anything.

I could be as selfish as killing myself if it was not for my extreme fear of not existing. It's the one thing, my family is big, they are well and they have each other, they would hurt but not as I'm hurting all of the waking hours.

There is a bridge 30min from here, 53m high in to pretty shallow cold water with current. I'm pretty certain that if I would go there and jump at midnight i would not survive. But scared of death/height I'm also sure I could not bare to jump and i would probably get sectioned if anyone find out i tried to do it. But i would love your opinion on it if i one day got the courage. It's an abandoned spot and I doubt i could swim after that fall so I'm as I said pretty certain it would be curtain roll for me that same night I jump.

When I made this account it was 4hrs and 50min before I had intention to jump. I drank some, biked a third of the way and turned around. Thought who am I kidding, I could never do it..

Still holds true. Who am I kidding. I'm buying sugar and cigarettes. Doom scrolling. Brain plays memories from how I abused my 20s. Brain teases me with every opportunity I had to turn this around.

I can't see myself daring to end it. Im cursing out loud as soon as I'm not on the internet doom scrolling. I eat sugary foods, smoke a pack every other day. I make my family worry more. Sometimes i fantasize about one of the jobs I've applied will change my routine sometime in the coming months. But it doesn't hold more than an hour tops.

I know much of what I'm doing is just making it worse. I know what this kind of isolation will do to ones psyche. I am pretty sure that i will suffer the rest of my days, probably more than I do now as time passes, and I'm stuck.

Like stuck in a bad trip. Stuck in a psychosis. Like in hypnosis as in that move Get out.

I can't believe I am in this situation. I ponder if it's the narcissist in me that refuse to accept reality and consequences of my actions. Dying would be a way of escaping consequence, I've dodged many consequences..

If you read all this I am thankful. English is not my first language and I'm feeling fried as I said. Feels like your response should be something like "you idiot, you live the life you made for yourself boho". A part of me is hoping for some miracle.

I don't deserve any miracle
I want to escape
I don't think this part of the forum helps as my number 1 fear is death. Maybe with time SI will lessen if I keep on this track. Scary.

I feel with all of you in a similar destructive mindset, with the good I've seen in life weighed up against the bad I can honestly say it would have been better to not have been. Still, I hope that you and myself get relief, but I can't hope for death. How could I be so terrified of it and live so careless..

Was a relief posting. It's as if we were in a simulation some of the programmers could read this and see a mistake has been made and now that I've written it, it can be fixed.

That's denial
I'm pathetic
I put this on myself
I believe none of you deserve the suffering
Time for me to go back to active suffering
I'm a coward

I hope you find something that makes you want to keep clinging on to life and somehow get to greener pastures where you can live in peace with yourself.

Your words hits home for me. I am scared of death and yet too afraid to live.

I wish you and I both the best.

 

[iltloml]

I'm literally in the same exact situation as you are. 34 completely destroyed my life. Love of my life finally gave up on me. I do have a really good career that I can absolutely not focus on whatsoever. I too you on the smoking easy one pack a day. There is a bridge near me that's 800 feet up that I think about every second of the day. Also a coward to make that jump. Don't know how to take the consequences that I caused with the demoralized life that I ended up in and want to escape. Every day is a complete nightmare. I feel your pain.

 

[4hrs50min]

Thank you guys for your input, it's practically the first time I've written anything on a forum on the internet although I've lurked a lot in my life. Feels good to be seen. Reading others writing had probably taken upp 40% of my time the last 6 years. Mostly old reddit SS, suicideberavement, suicidewatch and threads about weed ruining lives. I feel so stupid, like weed could never be dangerous and i used it like it was a toy.

@jodes2 Psychosis is real life nightmare, I feel you. Yeah, I've checked heights before but I figured i would be disabled and drown, saw this video of a Finn jump and he's old but my body is also in bad condition rn; see link

@FuneralCry Thank you for your concern, you're spot on it's horror feeling like I do about death, I can't believe I've put myself in this situation. I've noticed you're quite active here and I like your username. Reminds me of a song by band of horses. It feels like a known friend who answered since I've read many of your replies and you seem thoughtful and caring. I envy your stance on death although I understand the act of getting there is as hard for you.

Right now my sister has friends over for dinner. I'm that weirdo that smells like cigarettes, lurking in my room in my bed. All my family is having a good Saturday on different locations, I wallow in self pity.

SS frequenters i wish you a good Saturday, feel free to chime in on proposed method. Imagine 53m, into a stream about 4-8m deep i think, with like 100m to swim in any direction for a chance of survival. I think at night, with like a 7 hour window in that water, crippled by the fall, my chanses of survival would have to be below 30% atleast. Anyhow that is bad numbers, becoming disabled\veggie because of some rescue operation would ofc suck even more than right now although I have a hard time imagining more suffering than this.

I wonder if I'm about to become active on the internet for the first time. Irony that this kinda forum would bring me out of lurking. Or if something miraculous turn things around or if I just step back into the lurking voluntary. Glad this forum exists, either if ones intention is getting it done or recovery, I believe strongly in the peace of mind that occurs for a bit when one can speak the genuine concerns and feelings at the bottom of life.

 

[jodes2]

Thank you guys for your input, it's practically the first time I've written anything on a forum on the internet although I've lurked a lot in my life. Feels good to be seen. Reading others writing had probably taken upp 40% of my time the last 6 years. Mostly old reddit SS, suicideberavement, suicidewatch and threads about weed ruining lives. I feel so stupid, like weed could never be dangerous and i used it like it was a toy.

@jodes2 Psychosis is real life nightmare, I feel you. Yeah, I've checked heights before but I figured i would be disabled and drown, saw this video of a Finn jump and he's old but my body is also in bad condition rn; see link

@FuneralCry Thank you for your concern, you're spot on it's horror feeling like I do about death, I can't believe I've put myself in this situation. I've noticed you're quite active here and I like your username. Reminds me of a song by band of horses. It feels like a known friend who answered since I've read many of your replies and you seem thoughtful and caring. I envy your stance on death although I understand the act of getting there is as hard for you.

Right now my sister has friends over for dinner. I'm that weirdo that smells like cigarettes, lurking in my room in my bed. All my family is having a good Saturday on different locations, I wallow in self pity.

SS frequenters i wish you a good Saturday, feel free to chime in on proposed method. Imagine 53m, into a stream about 4-8m deep i think, with like 100m to swim in any direction for a chance of survival. I think at night, with like a 7 hour window in that water, crippled by the fall, my chanses of survival would have to be below 30% atleast. Anyhow that is bad numbers, becoming disabled\veggie because of some rescue operation would ofc suck even more than right now although I have a hard time imagining more suffering than this.

I wonder if I'm about to become active on the internet for the first time. Irony that this kinda forum would bring me out of lurking. Or if something miraculous turn things around or if I just step back into the lurking voluntary. Glad this forum exists, either if ones intention is getting it done or recovery, I believe strongly in the peace of mind that occurs for a bit when one can speak the genuine concerns and feelings at the bottom of life.

I just wish better for you than drowning

 

[4hrs50min]

@Lookingtotalk Funny you mention, i got misdiagnosed alot and put on various shit causing mindfog already 5 years ago and also zyprexa in periods, stimulants (which i abused ofc) and now prozac. Everyday I'm thinking I should throw the antidepressants but I can't put any faith in myself anymore, doctors have followed me now for years I'm maby thinking that atleast I can blame them if it gets worse. I wonder alot how much the psychmeds have done but I know 100% weed did the real fuckup in me. I can't believe it really, I Knew i was getting paranoid years ago but still kept on like a wannabe snoop. The picture of weed these days indeed is dangerous.

@iltloml hey fellow liferuiner. Hold on although you can't perform, losing my last job a year ago def was a critical nail in the coffin, I just got high almost a year to suppress that fact. 800 feet sounds hella scary, but atleast definitive. The accepting of consequence is spot on. I've digged myself out of similar holes 2 times before. Took me first time 6 months, other time a bit more than a year and i remember every excruciating minute of each time. This third time 6 months have passed and all my brain is doing is changing the history mentally.
Yeah, my therapist has said it's very important i stop changing the history mentally as it's just self torture. I need myself one of the shit jobs I've applied. Although hardly believe I could step up and handle one....

 

[Lookingtotalk]

I just wish better for you than drowning

Yeah i tried drowning, i tried like 3 times, i had rocks and duct tape and everything the si was so strong just getting to the water, mind you not even getting to the bridge, i could not do it, also high probability of bailing somehow some way underwater, SI too strong

@Lookingtotalk Funny you mention, i got misdiagnosed alot and put on various shit causing mindfog already 5 years ago and also zyprexa in periods, stimulants (which i abused ofc) and now prozac. Everyday I'm thinking I should throw the antidepressants but I can't put any faith in myself anymore, doctors have followed me now for years I'm maby thinking that atleast I can blame them if it gets worse. I wonder alot how much the psychmeds have done but I know 100% weed did the real fuckup in me. I can't believe it really, I Knew i was getting paranoid years ago but still kept on like a wannabe snoop. The picture of weed these days indeed is dangerous.

I was also on zyprexa for two different periods in my life, or also known as weight gain 10,000

 

[4hrs50min]

I've been looking at the water and poured some sleep meds in myself.. just a really bad taste in my mouth and looking at the water like a stupid mf. Like some 20x recommended of antistamines would do anything with me, had I got into the water ofc I would just have swam up.. I can't grip the fact that people actually manage ctb. SN maybe is the answer but I can't order that to where I live. Wouldn't know where to look for it either, I've googled a bit no luck. But I think poisoning I could do rather than jumping, I've always been a pro at putting stupid shit in my body.

Ah yes weight gain on drugs.. fuck made some quatation now of my text I think, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm most worried about the chemical imbalance of my brain but that's really stupid of me considering the amount of shit I've put my brain through

 

[iltloml]

@4hrs50min

Funny you say that because I was in this same exact predicament 4 and half years ago. That's when my soulmate saved me. And it took me 4 and half years to destroy it all over again. I just know this time it's a wrap. If you can put your mind holding down a job you could definitely turn it around. I do have an amazing career but that was my pitfall. I cared more about that the people in my life. It was a stupid mistake that I could have avoided a million different times but I won't learn unless experience the absolute worst. Unless for me it's too little too late. I know it's cliche but I'm a prime example of the fuck up people that other people should learn their lessons from.

 

[4hrs50min]

I need to save myself, but I've been at my siblings place now 1 month and I'm doing absolutely nothing. Scrolling on the phone. Walking the dog once in a while. Every step just feel like a waste/stupid.

I feel the same for myself, to little to late, I can't imagine turning this around and I'm going crazy each second of this mental torture. Used to be able to meditate or atleast hit the gym or do anything other than hyperfocusing on misery. I can't do anything like that anymore. Can't watch tv, the only thing that spike my wellbeing for a little while is unhealthy snacking, smoking.

I know it's a viscous circle I've been treading past 6 months. The longer I continue the worse it gets and im just powerless fuckkkk

 

[Hollowillow]

My main fear in life has always been death. Since like 12 I could never wrap my head around the thought of forever leaving conciousness. Was told that's way ahead of me and not to worry.

The thought lingered but life treated me good with splendid opportunity and 45k/year income+ a really free profession since 20 + good looks as I have heard. Got dumped by gf and went all in on weed at 23, have had poor impulse control, porn addiction and insane insecurity and probably ADHD all my life. Got manipulated by people i bought weed from wasted all my money so -+ 0$ every month, never put down anything for my future. Suffered psychosis 3 times, completely ruined the career I was set up for, even just last year I had a 3rd shot at making a bearable life but got dragged back to weed addiction through an old "friend" and spent another year cooking up my 3rd psychosis. 30 has passed and some, I can literally feel how I have fried my brain and I had absolutely no good reason or excuse for it.

I've been down after the 2 first psychosis episodes and got slowly out if the drag of it week by week but this time soon 6 months have passed, no improvement in being and all I can think about is how I want to escape my daily thoughts, aching abused body and it's as if I stepped in a horror time machine at 23 and 10 years just passed at a snap and all is ruined.

My family and my therapist keep saying it's mostly about my way of thinking about it and it will resolve with positive thinking. My friends all made smarter choises and have stable life/house/partner and some have kids. I had top setting for life.. started from the top now I'm here. I can't reach any positive thinking, I have been very bad to my body in addiction (also stimulants) so it hurts 24/7.

This feels long although there's a hell of a lot more to the story, mostly more detailed how I made stupid decisions one after another and new chanses that i personally destroyed until my chanses of wellbeing now is/feels 0. Its pathetic that i feel sorry for myself I think, because I was blessed with a lot and lived extremely careless. I was narcissistic although taken adventage of, hanged around people who had nothing to lose and became one.

The past 6 months suicide has been in my thoughts every minute. I used to be able to sleep alot but now I'm on here reading/ generally doom scrolling and looking for 20k/year body destroying jobs while living in a small room with a family member. All my siblings have their lives in order and all of them worry for me. With all right I suppose. Them and my therapist are saying that i have made progress this last month but I know my thoughts, my feeling. It has not been any progress.

I used to be able to sleep a lot, now I'm in bed with anxiety 15-20hrs of the day, sleeping between 23-04 (sleep is my highlight) waking up and realize I'm in my personally created hell every night at 04 and read here about you fellow sufferers.

Last year around this time I made the decision to go back to full time addiction and ruined my 3rd major chance of a shot at life. Living in the haze, the panic and psychosis crept up 6 months ago. Realizing I had done it again. Ruined myself. All that i own is in a cupboard here in my room. Some shoes, shirts and pants. An old computer. It should not be like this.

I have tried stopping doom scrolling and just do anything than being on my phone, reading about folks with similar pains, my parents have done nothing wrong and don't deserve to see their kid self destruct like this. I can't help it. I feel as if I can't help it at least, i have a theory that my dopamine is 100% used up atm and it makes every second without phone distraction painful, although the time on the phone is also painful but slightly less.

Like writing this just now makes it slightly less painful. But I'm soon done writing and it won't have changed anything.

I could be as selfish as killing myself if it was not for my extreme fear of not existing. It's the one thing, my family is big, they are well and they have each other, they would hurt but not as I'm hurting all of the waking hours.

There is a bridge 30min from here, 53m high in to pretty shallow cold water with current. I'm pretty certain that if I would go there and jump at midnight i would not survive. But scared of death/height I'm also sure I could not bare to jump and i would probably get sectioned if anyone find out i tried to do it. But i would love your opinion on it if i one day got the courage. It's an abandoned spot and I doubt i could swim after that fall so I'm as I said pretty certain it would be curtain roll for me that same night I jump.

When I made this account it was 4hrs and 50min before I had intention to jump. I drank some, biked a third of the way and turned around. Thought who am I kidding, I could never do it..

Still holds true. Who am I kidding. I'm buying sugar and cigarettes. Doom scrolling. Brain plays memories from how I abused my 20s. Brain teases me with every opportunity I had to turn this around.

I can't see myself daring to end it. Im cursing out loud as soon as I'm not on the internet doom scrolling. I eat sugary foods, smoke a pack every other day. I make my family worry more. Sometimes i fantasize about one of the jobs I've applied will change my routine sometime in the coming months. But it doesn't hold more than an hour tops.

I know much of what I'm doing is just making it worse. I know what this kind of isolation will do to ones psyche. I am pretty sure that i will suffer the rest of my days, probably more than I do now as time passes, and I'm stuck.

Like stuck in a bad trip. Stuck in a psychosis. Like in hypnosis as in that move Get out.

I can't believe I am in this situation. I ponder if it's the narcissist in me that refuse to accept reality and consequences of my actions. Dying would be a way of escaping consequence, I've dodged many consequences..

If you read all this I am thankful. English is not my first language and I'm feeling fried as I said. Feels like your response should be something like "you idiot, you live the life you made for yourself boho". A part of me is hoping for some miracle.

I don't deserve any miracle
I want to escape
I don't think this part of the forum helps as my number 1 fear is death. Maybe with time SI will lessen if I keep on this track. Scary.

I feel with all of you in a similar destructive mindset, with the good I've seen in life weighed up against the bad I can honestly say it would have been better to not have been. Still, I hope that you and myself get relief, but I can't hope for death. How could I be so terrified of it and live so careless..

Was a relief posting. It's as if we were in a simulation some of the programmers could read this and see a mistake has been made and now that I've written it, it can be fixed.

That's denial
I'm pathetic
I put this on myself
I believe none of you deserve the suffering
Time for me to go back to active suffering
I'm a coward

Wow that was a long thoughtful post. Want a way out? If you could stop poisonning yourself, it'd be great. Do you think you can heal brain damage with sugar & cigarettes? No. But you can with vitamin B. Deficirncies & toxic drugs can cause psychosis. This isn't you. It's the consequence of neglect & abuse. You ant energy? B vitamins. You want to heal a burned out body? Vitamin c but smoke destroy them.

You want a new direction, there you go. Jumping in water sounds like a slow death. Can't your weed dealer give you fentanil or cocaine? I wish.

You sound like a fun lovable person, unlike me. I bet people will be happy to help you get sober. If there is no AA for weed, try AA for booze? Or party until you're dead? Sounds like a fun way to go. As a teen I hoped to slowly get into harder drugs from weed until an OD. Didn't work out... You sound like you want to quit. I use vitamins to get high or calm but it takes a lot. Took 20g of vitamin c after a trauma... So many magnesium... Like 3 or 4 over a few hours... Barely helped but did... Usually works well... But I'm too far gone. If you are too, I'm into partial. But if you can get drugs, I'd OD on the fun stuff

I think everyone going on about weed being harmless and legal and this and that need to stop, i think it causes a lot of problems for normal people and ESP people with mental illness it makes everything worse, weed is not what got me into my situation, but weed literally never did anything good for me either, drugs and alcohol but esp drugs are really fucking bad, i think gov'ts were right making them illegal and should stay that way, and keep people away from these psych drugs which are just as bad if not worse, making healthy people sick like in my case, once you are on them they change ur brain chemistry and you are dependent or another word ADDICTED to them just like any drugs.

why cant we start promoting drug free life both psych and illicit FROM THE START, i am serious this madd medication is a scam, i think it was right before maybe 1-2% of the population 'needs' these medications and thats it, out of control

im sorry, im just so angry my med helped me with the caveat i needed to take it forever and if i didnt my nervous system would be completely rekt and i would dev problems i never had at the start, i am mad at myself but also psychiatry for ruining my life and giving me shit i didnt need, 90% of psych docs are horseshit, these meds are fucking dangerous

Psych meds are worse. I wouldn't even give them to pedos. Bullets are kinder.

B vitamins heal brain damage. They're necessary to renew nerves. Lacking them cause psychosis. An eggfarmer full of mud & chicken poop can cure better than a psychiatrist in a white coat. Those assholes need a real job. Like picking up the trash. Those helps prevent pandemic (no rotting trash no rats) better than injecting the virus, mad doctors mad!

 

[4hrs50min]

Wow that was a long thoughtful post. Want a way out? If you could stop poisonning yourself, it'd be great. Do you think you can heal brain damage with sugar & cigarettes? No. But you can with vitamin B. Deficirncies & toxic drugs can cause psychosis. This isn't you. It's the consequence of neglect & abuse. You ant energy? B vitamins. You want to heal a burned out body? Vitamin c but smoke destroy them.

You want a new direction, there you go. Jumping in water sounds like a slow death. Can't your weed dealer give you fentanil or cocaine? I wish.

You sound like a fun lovable person, unlike me. I bet people will be happy to help you get sober. If there is no AA for weed, try AA for booze? Or party until you're dead? Sounds like a fun way to go. As a teen I hoped to slowly get into harder drugs from weed until an OD. Didn't work out... You sound like you want to quit. I use vitamins to get high or calm but it takes a lot. Took 20g of vitamin c after a trauma... So many magnesium... Like 3 or 4 over a few hours... Barely helped but did... Usually works well... But I'm too far gone. If you are too, I'm into partial. But if you can get drugs, I'd OD on the fun stuff

Psych meds are worse. I wouldn't even give them to pedos. Bullets are kinder.

B vitamins heal brain damage. They're necessary to renew nerves. Lacking them cause psychosis. An eggfarmer full of mud & chicken poop can cure better than a psychiatrist in a white coat. Those assholes need a real job. Like picking up the trash. Those helps prevent pandemic (no rotting trash no rats) better than injecting the virus, mad doctors mad!

Yeah the post is a glimpse of what my brain is replaying over and over each second, nothing has really distracted me from it the past 6 months, one week after I quit zyprexa I was awake for 7 days straight just grinding the thoughts of regret, then got put in a ward for 2 weeks. It was hell. Glad I'm sleeping without help now atleast, although it's a very bad/short sleep.

I do eat vitamin b,c and magnesium. I guess fact is I'm used to quick fixes so bad that I'm agitated that it have not seemed to help any these past months.

I saw that there is an NA meeting tonight, I feel a bit ashamed though that it's just weed mostly for me and the fact that this flower made me psychotic. Time and time again. Maybe I should go there to see people who can relate to hopelessness in person.. and to switch up my sad everyday presence.

I've tried putting rope around my neck and felt the regular "who am I kidding", also having family find me would feel a bit unecceserary. I wouldn't mind ofc I'd be dead. But I don't think I could go through with it.

Buying lots of booze, cigarettes, something good to eat, get super drunk and going to the bridge at night and somehow heave myself down and drown. I love spelling it out but 100% standing at the railing of that bridge my mind would fail me. I would be drunk and heading for the ward again in no time.

I can't get my hands on any drugs rn. All I can do is hang out with my horrible thoughts, air them here and disappoint my sibling..

This feels so surreal.
Reading about others here who have been in similar mindset for years sounds so horrifying. Maybe that is how it will be for me. At least with a job I could be more distracted I think.

I've heard before that this isn't me. In a way I feel the real me already has died. I do feel to far gone. At the same time I do feel what most likely many here feel; trapped

 

[anxious_depressive]

My main fear in life has always been death. Since like 12 I could never wrap my head around the thought of forever leaving conciousness. Was told that's way ahead of me and not to worry.

The thought lingered but life treated me good with splendid opportunity and 45k/year income+ a really free profession since 20 + good looks as I have heard. Got dumped by gf and went all in on weed at 23, have had poor impulse control, porn addiction and insane insecurity and probably ADHD all my life. Got manipulated by people i bought weed from wasted all my money so -+ 0$ every month, never put down anything for my future. Suffered psychosis 3 times, completely ruined the career I was set up for, even just last year I had a 3rd shot at making a bearable life but got dragged back to weed addiction through an old "friend" and spent another year cooking up my 3rd psychosis. 30 has passed and some, I can literally feel how I have fried my brain and I had absolutely no good reason or excuse for it.

I've been down after the 2 first psychosis episodes and got slowly out if the drag of it week by week but this time soon 6 months have passed, no improvement in being and all I can think about is how I want to escape my daily thoughts, aching abused body and it's as if I stepped in a horror time machine at 23 and 10 years just passed at a snap and all is ruined.

My family and my therapist keep saying it's mostly about my way of thinking about it and it will resolve with positive thinking. My friends all made smarter choises and have stable life/house/partner and some have kids. I had top setting for life.. started from the top now I'm here. I can't reach any positive thinking, I have been very bad to my body in addiction (also stimulants) so it hurts 24/7.

This feels long although there's a hell of a lot more to the story, mostly more detailed how I made stupid decisions one after another and new chanses that i personally destroyed until my chanses of wellbeing now is/feels 0. Its pathetic that i feel sorry for myself I think, because I was blessed with a lot and lived extremely careless. I was narcissistic although taken adventage of, hanged around people who had nothing to lose and became one.

The past 6 months suicide has been in my thoughts every minute. I used to be able to sleep alot but now I'm on here reading/ generally doom scrolling and looking for 20k/year body destroying jobs while living in a small room with a family member. All my siblings have their lives in order and all of them worry for me. With all right I suppose. Them and my therapist are saying that i have made progress this last month but I know my thoughts, my feeling. It has not been any progress.

I used to be able to sleep a lot, now I'm in bed with anxiety 15-20hrs of the day, sleeping between 23-04 (sleep is my highlight) waking up and realize I'm in my personally created hell every night at 04 and read here about you fellow sufferers.

Last year around this time I made the decision to go back to full time addiction and ruined my 3rd major chance of a shot at life. Living in the haze, the panic and psychosis crept up 6 months ago. Realizing I had done it again. Ruined myself. All that i own is in a cupboard here in my room. Some shoes, shirts and pants. An old computer. It should not be like this.

I have tried stopping doom scrolling and just do anything than being on my phone, reading about folks with similar pains, my parents have done nothing wrong and don't deserve to see their kid self destruct like this. I can't help it. I feel as if I can't help it at least, i have a theory that my dopamine is 100% used up atm and it makes every second without phone distraction painful, although the time on the phone is also painful but slightly less.

Like writing this just now makes it slightly less painful. But I'm soon done writing and it won't have changed anything.

I could be as selfish as killing myself if it was not for my extreme fear of not existing. It's the one thing, my family is big, they are well and they have each other, they would hurt but not as I'm hurting all of the waking hours.

There is a bridge 30min from here, 53m high in to pretty shallow cold water with current. I'm pretty certain that if I would go there and jump at midnight i would not survive. But scared of death/height I'm also sure I could not bare to jump and i would probably get sectioned if anyone find out i tried to do it. But i would love your opinion on it if i one day got the courage. It's an abandoned spot and I doubt i could swim after that fall so I'm as I said pretty certain it would be curtain roll for me that same night I jump.

When I made this account it was 4hrs and 50min before I had intention to jump. I drank some, biked a third of the way and turned around. Thought who am I kidding, I could never do it..

Still holds true. Who am I kidding. I'm buying sugar and cigarettes. Doom scrolling. Brain plays memories from how I abused my 20s. Brain teases me with every opportunity I had to turn this around.

I can't see myself daring to end it. Im cursing out loud as soon as I'm not on the internet doom scrolling. I eat sugary foods, smoke a pack every other day. I make my family worry more. Sometimes i fantasize about one of the jobs I've applied will change my routine sometime in the coming months. But it doesn't hold more than an hour tops.

I know much of what I'm doing is just making it worse. I know what this kind of isolation will do to ones psyche. I am pretty sure that i will suffer the rest of my days, probably more than I do now as time passes, and I'm stuck.

Like stuck in a bad trip. Stuck in a psychosis. Like in hypnosis as in that move Get out.

I can't believe I am in this situation. I ponder if it's the narcissist in me that refuse to accept reality and consequences of my actions. Dying would be a way of escaping consequence, I've dodged many consequences..

If you read all this I am thankful. English is not my first language and I'm feeling fried as I said. Feels like your response should be something like "you idiot, you live the life you made for yourself boho". A part of me is hoping for some miracle.

I don't deserve any miracle
I want to escape
I don't think this part of the forum helps as my number 1 fear is death. Maybe with time SI will lessen if I keep on this track. Scary.

I feel with all of you in a similar destructive mindset, with the good I've seen in life weighed up against the bad I can honestly say it would have been better to not have been. Still, I hope that you and myself get relief, but I can't hope for death. How could I be so terrified of it and live so careless..

Was a relief posting. It's as if we were in a simulation some of the programmers could read this and see a mistake has been made and now that I've written it, it can be fixed.

That's denial
I'm pathetic
I put this on myself
I believe none of you deserve the suffering
Time for me to go back to active suffering
I'm a coward

Hello.

I have almost the same situation as you. And I feel the same way.


My life is ruined and I am absolutely useless.
I also don't know how to calm my heartache and anxiety.

I just wanted to express my support for you.
Hugs.

 

[4hrs50min]

Hello.

I have almost the same situation as you. And I feel the same way.


My life is ruined and I am absolutely useless.
I also don't know how to calm my heartache and anxiety.

I just wanted to express my support for you.
Hugs.

Thank you

I'm looking for a lottery win also as an out. Not that money would cure my traumas. And ofc the 1in90xmillion chance it's pure stupidity. Reading about lottery winners dreaming away.

I have by myself ruined my life, in extension made my parents lives worse and my siblings, money wise the last year's I've only costed.. ofc really ruining the family's lives would be offing myself. But I can't climb up again.

Another day has soon passed, I've smoked, ate sugar, walked maybe 1000 steps, scrolled through here and internet generally

Tomorrow will be the same
The day after that
I have tried so many times past months to stick with atleast one good routine but every day I fail again and wallow in self pity.

I think the self pitying is a main thing, letting go of the thoughts of having ruined past chanses and start doing one little thing at a time is the only way.

I flat out don't think I can do it.

It will be like this many more days, my overly optimistic therapist will hear this week and many more how I remain immovable in my rumination.

It makes me panic but panic is generally constant anyways.. sometimes when I wake up and linger in bed from 04 I just start punching the bed and spasming. Thinking of all the people I've met/know that live their lives while I fucked up time after time until it had to become this absolute definite impossible uphill for me.

I hate myself

 

[anxious_depressive]

Thank you

I'm looking for a lottery win also as an out. Not that money would cure my traumas. And ofc the 1in90xmillion chance it's pure stupidity. Reading about lottery winners dreaming away.

I have by myself ruined my life, in extension made my parents lives worse and my siblings, money wise the last year's I've only costed.. ofc really ruining the family's lives would be offing myself. But I can't climb up again.

Another day has soon passed, I've smoked, ate sugar, walked maybe 1000 steps, scrolled through here and internet generally

Tomorrow will be the same
The day after that
I have tried so many times past months to stick with atleast one good routine but every day I fail again and wallow in self pity.

I think the self pitying is a main thing, letting go of the thoughts of having ruined past chanses and start doing one little thing at a time is the only way.

I flat out don't think I can do it.

It will be like this many more days, my overly optimistic therapist will hear this week and many more how I remain immovable in my rumination.

It makes me panic but panic is generally constant anyways.. sometimes when I wake up and linger in bed from 04 I just start punching the bed and spasming. Thinking of all the people I've met/know that live their lives while I fucked up time after time until it had to become this absolute definite impossible uphill for me.

I hate myself

I understand your feelings.
Please don't blame yourself so much.

 

[4hrs50min]

@anxious_depressive Thank you for your kind words, I hope you can be rid of your bad situation of ruined life and feeling useless.

I suppose it's the common denominator for most people here of feeling horrible that brings all people to communicate here. I see mostly active discussion of offing oneself and I feel like I will arrive soon to the point of actively seeking the right method. Therapist, a friend and family keep close watch though and all reply with straight horror when I steer conversation toward suicide, like I'm being blackmailed to not have those thoughts.

I could chat here for as long as I'm alive in this state, feels as if writing it down does something. I probably should just journal.

I feel a bit ashamed that I'm not just more straightforward here in short replies of misery or discussing executing plans.

Just one hour left to my ordinary laying down in bed anxious scrolling before a short bad sleep before waking up in this hell again.

Cementing my own bad beliefs but it's what I've done for very long, hard to stop.

Gonna walk the dog then il be back to read of similar fates.

My third fuckup, my third psychosis, all the bad memories, please nonexistent god rid me of this even though any living person could have seen this coming for me with the decisions I've made past years, specifically last year.

I wish I could believe in any religion, with my actions in mind I feel closest to Satan though. I was a super scared little kid. Also as a young adult. Always scared of consequence. Dodged many. One who does such devilish decisions should not fear as I do.

If there is a Satan he is proud of having me enlisted

If there is a god, I am sorry

I am sorry nonetheless

 

[anxious_depressive]

If you want, you can write to me in private messages.

 

[Lookingtotalk]

i am worried about hurting myself through failed attempt and also worried about hurting my family if succeed, but this pain of these sych meds destroying mym nerv system is unexplainable, i could not understand it til it happened. if i do succeed, i just hope my family can find some way to move forward and forgive me for my selfishness, i cant function

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

@anxious_depressive Thank you for your kind words, I hope you can be rid of your bad situation of ruined life and feeling useless.

I suppose it's the common denominator for most people here of feeling horrible that brings all people to communicate here. I see mostly active discussion of offing oneself and I feel like I will arrive soon to the point of actively seeking the right method. Therapist, a friend and family keep close watch though and all reply with straight horror when I steer conversation toward suicide, like I'm being blackmailed to not have those thoughts.

I could chat here for as long as I'm alive in this state, feels as if writing it down does something. I probably should just journal.

I feel a bit ashamed that I'm not just more straightforward here in short replies of misery or discussing executing plans.

Just one hour left to my ordinary laying down in bed anxious scrolling before a short bad sleep before waking up in this hell again.

Cementing my own bad beliefs but it's what I've done for very long, hard to stop.

Gonna walk the dog then il be back to read of similar fates.

My third fuckup, my third psychosis, all the bad memories, please nonexistent god rid me of this even though any living person could have seen this coming for me with the decisions I've made past years, specifically last year.

I wish I could believe in any religion, with my actions in mind I feel closest to Satan though. I was a super scared little kid. Also as a young adult. Always scared of consequence. Dodged many. One who does such devilish decisions should not fear as I do.

If there is a Satan he is proud of having me enlisted

If there is a god, I am sorry

I am sorry nonetheless

I can relate …. One day it all unravels….

 

[4hrs50min]

i am worried about hurting myself through failed attempt and also worried about hurting my family if succeed, but this pain of these sych meds destroying mym nerv system is unexplainable, i could not understand it til it happened. if i do succeed, i just hope my family can find some way to move forward and forgive me for my selfishness, i cant function

Im sorry for you frien, I can relate a bit with the meds. I wish I had sorted my addiction by myself instead of going to the doctors.. I feel the same about family, attempting, attempting and getting hurt or succeeding will bring them distress. My reasoning is that they have each other and my presence in their life have anyhow been in the form of a depressive ghost the past years, especially now.

My feelings and my empathy have got shot this past year, it would be logical to ctb since the real me is gone. Everyone incl me is ofc hoping that I'm just in a phase but. That would be a long ass phase, like year after year after year and getting worse, only been sober tops 5 months last 10 years.

I'm already dead so dying isn't that bad. I'm sure I would be a source of great sadness and shame for people who know me. I already am. The hurt I'm already caused/causing my parents tortures me when I think about it.

Alot of my time spent rn is all about trying not to think about certain things. It backfires, the CBT I've gotten so far preaches that avoidance makes things worse but I can't accept

I can't accept this situation
But I must
Or die

Or keep on in this limbo hoping for some kind of turning point aka miracle

I choose limbo

I can relate …. One day it all unravels….

I would love to have a solution, at least have a solution in sight. I understand why people come here discussing the final solution. The best I can do for my closest ones or atleast for my parents is to wait out their deaths, wait out life

But my past 6 months of if feels like torture, insane, I never had figured that one can end up in this mental torture, like nothing's stopping me from walking out and enjoying the sun tomorrow morning but as it feels like a self constructed mental prison.... I have been so careless, I'm humbled once again, more than ever,
I understand the people here and all the addicts and miserable people I've met through life and I'm ashamed I thought I could not end up in that exact position.. Fuck why did I not take my last good chance fuck. I know why, it's me.

I should sleep but I hate waking up so much even though I hate right now as well, just a little less.

If I just could die in my sleep I would be the luckiest mf regardless of my previous life.

Got damnit soon the day and the shit starts over again and it's just a tiny bit better than being in the psychward.

Can't imagine folks having worse hells, like paralysis or prison camps or something, for someone like that my situation ain't that dire. I've been thinking that if by miracle I start living again somewhat and don't think about mental and bodily aches full time and live again I will be so humbled and happy compared to now but. I've been there before and ruined it..

I think that to stop ruining life for myself I had to make sure it would be near impossible to fix it/ feel ok again. Problem now is that just breathing and keeping at this same tactic slowly ruins it more. Just leaving the phone and doing anything would be a turning point. Nah me and my illicit brain is super stubborn and this time I'm eating the punishment day after day after day and it truly feels like I can control exactly no thing

Sorry for rant