Discussion Ru here 'cos u TRULY wanna ctb...

[FailingAtLife]

... Or 'cos you're not (yet) able to *actually* ctb, but *desperately need* to escape the pain of Life for awhile by at least discussing the possibility - like me...?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I lurked to find methods. I joined to ask questions. I stayed and made friends. I lost those friends. People on here coaxed me out of my hole and I started to take part again. I stay for companionship, pure and simple. There are some interesting people on here and I welcome insights into things from a different perspective than my own. People with whom I can relate despite coming from diverse backgrounds. So my reasons have changed over time.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I lurked to find methods. I joined to ask questions. I stayed and made friends. I lost those friends. People on here coaxed me out of my hole and I started to take part again. I stay for companionship, pure and simple. There are some interesting people on here and I welcome insights into things from a different perspective than my own. People with whom I can relate despite coming from diverse backgrounds. So my reasons have changed over time.

Pretty much this.

Suicidal Ideation can be like a drug as well. I'm currently trying to recover but there's always going to be the possibility that I don't. This place is great for so many different reasons.

 

[FailingAtLife]

So you'd not say you stayed because you were, in the end, too afraid to ctb?

Please note; I'm *NOT* criticising you or anyone else who might respond; we're talking about purposely KILLING ONESELF; this is no trivial undertaking!

I'm just curious to understand people's reasons for being on the forum in relation to my own.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

So you'd not say you stayed because you were, in the end, too afraid to ctb?

Please note; I'm *NOT* criticising you or anyone else who might respond; we're talking about purposely KILLING ONESELF; this is no trivial undertaking!

I'm just curious to understand people's reasons for being on the forum in relation to my own.

No I'd not say that I'm personally afraid to die. The forum has many different facets. Some people are here to recover like me.

I wanted to give life one more shot so I could be in my kids life. But if the quality of life becomes really bad then I always have an out.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

There is fear too, I should have included that.

 

[FailingAtLife]

Pretty much this.

Suicidal Ideation can be like a drug as well. I'm currently trying to recover but there's always going to be the possibility that I don't. This place is great for so many different reasons.

... And by not recovering, you mean you'll eventually ctb...?

Interesting. I found the forum after seeing a documentary blaming it for the suicide of the girl the documentary was about.

The doco made out that peeps on the forum had encouraged her to take her life, as you'd expect from tabloid sensationalisation and so blamed it for her death.

But I've only seen open discussion amongst people who are struggling with life; not any sort of encouragement to end it. Support & advice, yes; I'm sure many people who now have an outlet for their struggles wouldn't still be here were it NOT for the forum.

But you can't have these kinds of conversations with people since as soon as you mention the "S word", all hell breaks loose & before you know it, you're sectioned. Or ostracized for bringing others down.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

... And by not recovering, you mean you'll eventually ctb...?

Interesting. I found the forum after seeing a documentary blaming it for the suicide of the girl the documentary was about.

The doco made out that peeps on the forum had encouraged her to take her life, as you'd expect from tabloid sensationalisation and so blamed it for her death.

But I've only seen open discussion amongst people who are struggling with life; not any sort of encouragement to end it. Support & advice, yes; I'm sure many people who now have an outlet for their struggles wouldn't still be here were it NOT for the forum.

But you can't have these kinds of conversations with people since as soon as you mention the "S word", all hell breaks loose & before you know it, you're sectioned. Or ostracized for bringing others down.

you are talking about pro lifers making a documentary on someone's suicide, blaming a forum of anon people, rather then looking at their own almost failings in the helping the loved one they lost.
It is well known whom you speak of on this forum, there have been many discussions on BOTH girls one UK one USA, and both times this place has been blamed, when when you look into the old info, it can be seen that all the forum did was support 2 struggling souls in their dark time, No encouragement just support and warmth and open arms, which they were not able to get else where.

This forum has a off topic section, a CTB section and a recovery section, I think those 3 sub titles should state alone that this forum is for all not just those determined to end everything.
We in this forum are about Pro Choice, we are people who truly understand,
Those blaming this forum as Pro Lifers who are short sighted and don't have a clue.

 

[FailingAtLife]

No I'd not say that I'm personally afraid to die. The forum has many different facets. Some people are here to recover like me.

I wanted to give life one more shot so I could be in my kids life. But if the quality of life becomes really bad then I always have an out.

See, I'm here 'cos I'm too afraid to die, but too depressed to want to live. So instead, I exist miserably in a no-man's land.
I've given up on the meds/docs helping me and just blame myself for not being disciplined enough to stick to anything, live healthily, etc. Fuck, I don't even particularly enjoy eating, much less preparing food in the first place.

Wish I could say the alcohol & drugs were all I live for, but I've never done drugs (the one time I had weed at uni, hated the smell & it just made me wanna sleep) and i cannot STAND beer/wine (not fond of alcohol in general).

Yet still, my cognitive abilities have fallen off a cliff and I have no immediate-term (aka working) memory. So following a TV show or a movie plot is akin to sitting an exam as I try to piece together plot points from the little I'm able to recall of characters & situations that normal people remember automatically.

All this just destroys confidence, self-esteem, etc, deepens depression and makes me just want to spend my days watching Netflix, rather than attempting something else I'll ultimately fail at.

So it's just the relentless, ever present depression and the dark cloud it casts over life.

Yet, I'm still too afraid to die, and, as such, merely hang around sucking up valuable oxygen... ;o)

There is fear too, I should have included that.

Fear of what, exactly?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

See, I'm here 'cos I'm too afraid to die, but too depressed to want to live. So instead, I exist miserably in a no-man's land.
I've given up on the meds/docs helping me and just blame myself for not being disciplined enough to stick to anything, live healthily, etc. Fuck, I don't even particularly enjoy eating, much less preparing food in the first place.

Wish I could say the alcohol & drugs were all I live for, but I've never done drugs (the one time I had weed at uni, hated the smell & it just made me wanna sleep) and i cannot STAND beer/wine (not fond of alcohol in general).

Yet still, my cognitive abilities have fallen off a cliff and I have no immediate-term (aka working) memory. So following a TV show or a movie plot is akin to sitting an exam as I try to piece together plot points from the little I'm able to recall of characters & situations that normal people remember automatically.

All this just destroys confidence, self-esteem, etc, deepens depression and makes me just want to spend my days watching Netflix, rather than attempting something else I'll ultimately fail at.

So it's just the relentless, ever present depression and the dark cloud it casts over life.

Yet, I'm still too afraid to die, and, as such, merely hang around sucking up valuable oxygen... ;o)


Fear of what, exactly?

Death. Life. Dying. The usual.

 

[FailingAtLife]

Death. Life. Dying. The usual.

So you're stuck too, then...

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Yup

Spoiler

 

[selfhater]

i'm really trying to ctb so so bad it won't change

 

[terry_a_davis]

I'm here cause I know my future is bleak and there will be a real possibility of me ctb then.

 

[FailingAtLife]

I'm here cause I know my future is bleak and there will be a real possibility of me ctb then.

May I ask why you believe the future is so bleak?

i'm really trying to ctb so so bad it won't change

You've actually made unsuccessful attempts to ctb before then or has it just been ideation?

 

[foreverbroken28]

I joined for a method so I can CTB as peacefully as possible, (got mine already, thanks to the forum) -- and am here frequently for the company until it is time.

'My kind of people' aka those who acknowledge the harsh truths of life, are here..and I find that soothing. I also like it how others are there with us & give their well wishes as we each ctb.

 

[FailingAtLife]

I joined for a method so I can CTB as peacefully as possible, (got mine already, thanks to the forum) -- and am here frequently for the company until it is time.

'My kind of people' aka those who acknowledge the harsh truths of life, are here..and I find that soothing. I also like it how others are there with us & give their well wishes as we each ctb.

Are you still as intent on ctb as you were before you joined, since finding the support of like minded peeps on the site ?

 

[foreverbroken28]

Are you still as intent on ctb as you were before you joined, since finding the support of like minded peeps on the site ?

Yes, I am ..I'm probably even more set on it these days than when I signed up... but I am grateful for the company here. I've been on plenty of "Suicide" forums in the past but nothing like this where people accept *your* choice. (Not encourage for the lurkers who try to vilify the site.) I was originally going to CTB in a more violent way when I first signed up... and this place gave me a more peaceful route.

 

[FailingAtLife]

Yes, I am ..I'm probably even more set on it these days than when I signed up... but I am grateful for the company here. I've been on plenty of "Suicide" forums in the past but nothing like this where people accept *your* choice. (Not encourage for the lurkers who try to vilify the site.) I was originally going to CTB in a more violent way when I first signed up... and this place gave me a more peaceful route.

What annoys me is that the doco I watched & which vilified sanctionedsuicide blamed the site for the person's death.

Yet, all I've come across are open people struggling w/ life and trying to find someway of coping; not barrages of comments encouraging people to ctb, as the media would have us believe...

 

[terry_a_davis]

May I ask why you believe the future is so bleak?


You've actually made unsuccessful attempts to ctb before then or has it just been ideation?

Yes np, as i've got older people have disappeared from my life to the point now where my only face to face human contact is my mother, my brother, and a friend who has a nasty cancer (chances are he won't live a year). My mother is in her mid 70s, when she dies it will really hit me, we get on great and she's why i'm not totally lonely. Me and brother don't argue but we're not close whatsoever. I think dealing with my mums death and the loneliness will be too much. I don't think i could handle it.

 

[Mm80]

I use the term irl... It's ook to talk about sui id

... And by not recovering, you mean you'll eventually ctb...?

Interesting. I found the forum after seeing a documentary blaming it for the suicide of the girl the documentary was about.

The doco made out that peeps on the forum had encouraged her to take her life, as you'd expect from tabloid sensationalisation and so blamed it for her death.

But I've only seen open discussion amongst people who are struggling with life; not any sort of encouragement to end it. Support & advice, yes; I'm sure many people who now have an outlet for their struggles wouldn't still be here were it NOT for the forum.

But you can't have these kinds of conversations with people since as soon as you mention the "S word", all hell breaks loose & before you know it, you're sectioned. Or ostracized for bringing others down.
[/QUOTE
I like to use the saying IRL. It's OK to talk about suicide as long as you ain't gonna do it. There is still a taboo and always will be. That's why this site is so special and has such unique inteigent people on it who think for themselves.

 

[FailingAtLife]

Yes np, as i've got older people have disappeared from my life to the point now where my only face to face human contact is my mother, my brother, and a friend who has a nasty cancer (chances are he won't live a year). My mother is in her mid 70s, when she dies it will really hit me, we get on great and she's why i'm not totally lonely. Me and brother don't argue but we're not close whatsoever. I think dealing with my mums death and the loneliness will be too much. I don't think i could handle it.

My mother, although full of love, is someone very hard to be around. God help me if my dad goes first...

I've no close friends anymore, as my one closest friend moved to northern England for better schooling for his kids; family life means responsibility.

I seem to be incompatible w/ the opposite sex for reasons I've never really understood. I'm also not close w/ my brother; he's got his own struggles, but doesn't talk & just makes me uneasy.

I don't know what'll happen to me; after my parents go.

Can't escape the belief that I've done this to myself gradually over the years.

 

[terry_a_davis]

My mother, although full of love, is someone very hard to be around. God help me if my dad goes first...

I've no close friends anymore, as my one closest friend moved to northern England for better schooling for his kids; family life means responsibility.

I seem to be incompatible w/ the opposite sex for reasons I've never really understood. I'm also not close w/ my brother; he's got his own struggles, but doesn't talk & just makes me uneasy.

I don't know what'll happen to me; after my parents go.

Can't escape the belief that I've done this to myself gradually over the years.

Your reasons have similarities to mine. Obviously our parents dying is not our fault but i know it's my poor decisions that's left me jobless and without a partner and kids. I've been lucky enough to have ex gf's outright tell me they wanted a baby and i was too wrapped up in myself to consider it and now it's too late. My predicament is my own doing. I know what you mean about your brother. I wont be able to handle my impending loneliness when my mum dies.

 

[FailingAtLife]

Your reasons have similarities to mine. Obviously our parents dying is not our fault but i know it's my poor decisions that's left me jobless and without a partner and kids. I've been lucky enough to have ex gf's outright tell me they wanted a baby and i was too wrapped up in myself to consider it and now it's too late. My predicament is my own doing. I know what you mean about your brother. I wont be to handle my impending loneliness when my mum dies.

Yes np, as i've got older people have disappeared from my life to the point now where my only face to face human contact is my mother, my brother, and a friend who has a nasty cancer (chances are he won't live a year). My mother is in her mid 70s, when she dies it will really hit me, we get on great and she's why i'm not totally lonely. Me and brother don't argue but we're not close whatsoever. I think dealing with my mums death and the loneliness will be too much. I don't think i could handle it.

My mother, as caring as she can be, is someone I can't be around for long (if you know about the personality enneagram, she's the Helper type at a high level of deterioration).

My dad's still here, and I pray he's not the first to go, as he's a buffer between my brother & myself and my mother. I'm not really close to my brother, either as he doesn't talk about his feelings, whereas I do. I feel uneasy in his company, to be honest.

I have no friends now, either I recently realised. Once friends you had start families & move away, the responsibilities mean changes in priority that you can't compete with.

I should, by rights, have ctb AGES ago, but the fear, the pain & uncertainty won't let me. Probably never will, so the loneliness thing will hit me BIG TIME one day soon.

I feel very much like a child; I don't have the mentality or life experience of someone in their mid 40s and my working memory being f?!ked makes it impossible to do the things we all take for granted; pay attention to things, follow plotlines, remember names, cope with interruptions... the list goes on.

And yet despite all this, I still don't think I'll ever be able to ctb.

Fuck...

 

[terry_a_davis]

My mother, as caring as she can be, is someone I can't be around for long (if you know about the personality enneagram, she's the Helper type at a high level of deterioration).

My dad's still here, and I pray he's not the first to go, as he's a buffer between my brother & myself and my mother. I'm not really close to my brother, either as he doesn't talk about his feelings, whereas I do. I feel uneasy in his company, to be honest.

I have no friends now, either I recently realised. Once friends you had start families & move away, the responsibilities mean changes in priority that you can't compete with.

I should, by rights, have ctb AGES ago, but the fear, the pain & uncertainty won't let me. Probably never will, so the loneliness thing will hit me BIG TIME one day soon.

I feel very much like a child; I don't have the mentality or life experience of someone in their mid 40s and my working memory being f?!ked makes it impossible to do the things we all take for granted; pay attention to things, follow plotlines, remember names, cope with interruptions... the list goes on.

And yet despite all this, I still don't think I'll ever be able to ctb.

Fuck...

You dread the loss of your father like I dread the loss of my mother.
I think I know exactly how you feel how about your brother. I too don't feel particularly at ease in my brothers presence. Conversation doesn't flow.
I'm lucky I have 2 friends but as i mentioned 1 is dying and 1 has a family and kids and i never see him, he's a text/phone friend.
I really miss having a decent job. If I could get the sort of jobs i've had in the past it *might* help give me some purpose and less reason to ctb.
I wouldn't ctb now as it would devastate my mother.

But yes that loneliness once our loved one(s) depart will be too much to bear I think. I just hope N is still available in x years time.

 

[FailingAtLife]

You dread the loss of your father like I dread the loss of my mother.
I think I know exactly how you feel how about your brother. I too don't feel particularly at ease in my brothers presence. Conversation doesn't flow.
I'm lucky I have 2 friends but as i mentioned 1 is dying and 1 has a family and kids and i never see him, he's a text/phone friend.
I really miss having a decent job. If I could get the sort of jobs i've had in the past it *might* help give me some purpose and less reason to ctb.
I wouldn't ctb now as it would devastate my mother.

But yes that loneliness once our loved one(s) depart will be too much to bear I think. I just hope N is still available in x years time.

Have you ever attempted to ctb before, Terry? Just wondered if it was purely your mother that's keeping you here, or the pain/finality of ctb that was stopping you.

By "N", I guess you mean Sodium Nitrite?

 

[terry_a_davis]

Have you ever attempted to ctb before, Terry? Just wondered if it was purely your mother that's keeping you here, or the pain/finality of ctb that was stopping you.

By "N", I guess you mean Sodium Nitrite?

I took a load of prozac (lol) about 10 years ago so no it wasn't a serious attempt and i've come close to slashing my wrists again about 10 years ago.
My life is poor now with no having no job or family of my own but i'm lucky to still have my mother.
Yes I think it's my mother who's stopping me from getting really serious about ctb at the moment. Death by N looks peaceful so I wouldn't say I really fear it....
N is Nembutal, it's the gold standard of peaceful ctb as used by the euthanasia clinic Dignitas in switzerland.

Have you ever attempted ctb before?

 

[FailingAtLife]

I took a load of prozac (lol) about 10 years ago so no it wasn't a serious attempt and i've come close to slashing my wrists again about 10 years ago.
My life is poor now with no having no job or family of my own but i'm lucky to still have my mother.
Yes I think it's my mother who's stopping me from getting really serious about ctb at the moment. Death by N looks peaceful so I wouldn't say I really fear it....
N is Nembutal, it's the gold standard of peaceful ctb as used by the euthanasia clinic Dignitas in switzerland.

Have you ever attempted ctb before?

Yes, I know Nembutal/pentobarbital is the "gold standard" in ctb. Coincidentally, I really got into watching as US show called Mary Kills People late last year, which was all about people's right to die on their own terms. Of course, the characters had terminal illnesses, which is a different case than hopelessness. But it highlighted the fact that pento is something you can no longer get (outside of South America), because people used it to exit peacefully.

No, never attempted ctb. Too afraid of both the end, what it'd do to my family, as well as the mess left behind. And also the results of a failed attempt. If I were to do it, it wouldn't be for attention seeking; it would be because I wanted an end to being in my head. So OD or cutting wouldn't be options. Both would just get me sectioned.

More than the pain, it's the finality that scares me. There's no Undo.
Have been through depression many, many times and always will for reasons I don't really understand. But it's the thoughts of the futility of my existence and my inability to move fwd in life that get me when The Black Dog (Churchill's name for his depression) visits.

Having read reports of celebrities, those in the public eye & normal people from various statistics that have ctb, I reckon several would've already ctb in my situation. But the fear of what happens next is just insurmountable for me.

I've wasted so much money w/ the idea that "once I've got this or done that, everything'll finally be ok". Nope.

Whatever I do or buy, *I'll* still be the constant, so nowt will improve. This would be enough to push many to ctb. But the various fears are just too great for me.

I hate that I'm such a coward & have become so self absorbed. I figure I kinda deserve to be stuck this limbo.
... Forgot to add; yes, you *could* of course try ordering nembutal online, but a) Customs wouldn't let it through and b) even if it did get through, how the hell do you know what you've *actually* been sent? Could be just water, saline - or something else that would definitely NOT involve a peaceful death.

Are you in the UK, Terry?

... Hell, can I even ask that question on the public forum?

I only ask as you may not have the same issues w/ restriction of Nembutal if you're not in the UK.

 

[TAW122]

I'm here because of the lovely community of like-minded individuals who share a common goal and interest, to be able to discuss taboo topics such as death, suicide, euthanasia, without fear of reprisal, judgment, and condemnation from the world. Also, this is by far the only place that is active and free to be able to discuss methods. I don't know of any other places that allows free speech as well as the open discussion of methods to find peace from this shitty existence. This is also a safe place where I can be honest about myself without worrying about judgment, forced intervention, and other ills in society.

 

[IdiotInTheMachine]

I'm here to either find a less traumatic (for my parents) way to CTB or to get some support and insight.