Venting Road to CTB

[dolemitedrums]

I didn't show them but I told the MHP and the nurses in the psychosis assessment that I was SH by carving codes to protect people.

I guess they tried to help tbf just falling in the gaps between services . The MHP did the referral that she thought was right and psychosis team can't help since the SH isn't related to psychosis.

Just as an honest question, are you aware that in general the kind of stuff you have been describing is well known as among the most common types of delusions in psychosis - that you have been given power or a quasi-supernatural duty to do something, that you are being monitored and controlled, etc. These are the textbook types of beliefs that happen.

The human brain evolved to detect threats and to have social species duties to the family and the village etc. It is an extremely common way for the human brain to misfire to just have that go "on steroids" for a while and perceive mega threats and mega duties. It can happen to any of us and it's an extremely common way for the brain to just become overactive for a while.

 

[ferrie]

I didn't show them but I told the MHP and the nurses in the psychosis assessment that I was SH by carving codes to protect people.

I guess they tried to help tbf just falling in the gaps between services . The MHP did the referral that she thought was right and psychosis team can't help since the SH isn't related to psychosis.

It's interesting that they didn't ask to see them. In the assessments I've had any SH had to be documented, even if it was something as small as skin picking let alone how extensive what you're describing sounds. Though I guess I shouldn't be surprised with how disorganized the NHS seems to be from what you've said. Has your referral back to the MHP been sorted out yet?

 

[Jarni]

Just as an honest question, are you aware that in general the kind of stuff you have been describing is well known as among the most common types of delusions in psychosis - that you have been given power or a quasi-supernatural duty to do something, that you are being monitored and controlled, etc. These are the textbook types of beliefs that happen.

The human brain evolved to detect threats and to have social species duties to the family and the village etc. It is an extremely common way for the human brain to misfire to just have that go "on steroids" for a while and perceive mega threats and mega duties. It can happen to any of us and it's an extremely common way for the brain to just become overactive for a while.

it could also be brain inflammation (reason of psychosis and schizophrenia)..... :

The Inflammatory Signals Associated with Psychosis: Impact of Comorbid Drug Abuse

Psychosis and substance use disorders are two diagnostic categories whose association has been studied for decades. In addition, both psychosis spectrum disorders and drug abuse have recently been linked to multiple pro-inflammatory changes in the central nervous system. We have carried out a...

www.mdpi.com

https://psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/appi.focus.20200015

https://www.science.org/content/article/inflamed-brain-can-trigger-psychosis-search-patients-might-cured

Study finds inflammation in the brain is linked to risk of schizophrenia | Website archive | King’s College London

 

[timetodie24]

The MHP did ask if I wanted to show her but I declined and she was fine with that. Haven't heard back about referral yet. My mum was going to chase it up again today I think.

It's interesting that they didn't ask to see them. In the assessments I've had any SH had to be documented, even if it was something as small as skin picking let alone how extensive what you're describing sounds. Though I guess I shouldn't be surprised with how disorganized the NHS seems to be from what you've said. Has your referral back to the MHP been sorted out yet?

 

[ferrie]

The MHP did ask if I wanted to show her but I declined and she was fine with that. Haven't heard back about referral yet. My mum was going to chase it up again today I think.

Oh that makes sense then. The MHP seems to do her due diligence at least. Hopefully your mom is able to get that handled. Do you think you'll go to the appointment if she can get you in before your birthday?

 

[timetodie24]

Oh that makes sense then. The MHP seems to do her due diligence at least. Hopefully your mom is able to get that handled. Do you think you'll go to the appointment if she can get you in before your birthday?

Idk. Ideally I need to ctb this week so a bit time left if any issues. I really doubt I'd get an appt. this week.
Even if somehow I did, I don't think I can tell her plan as can't risk her getting in my way. And too ashamed and anxious to admit about what happened last night as I really don't understand it.

I'm best giving up on mental health help. And they can't fix this anyway. It's affecting my mental health but this mind control is not a mental illness and is real. That's out of mental health services' remit

 

[dolemitedrums]

I'm best giving up on mental health help. And they can't fix this anyway.

They really can. Why don't you at least try some pills and see if the mind control stuff goes away.

 

[timetodie24]

They really can. Why don't you at least try some pills and see if the mind control stuff goes away.

Agree to disagree about psychosis as pointless arguing.

But even if I was to take antipsychotics just to shut everyone up , the MHP can't prescribe , psychosis team discharged after assessment and general MH team rejected referral without even speaking to me. GPs here don't prescribe antipsychs unless started and stabilised by psychiatrist. crisis team just cause more problems for me so not trying them. A&E is out the question as the psych team there are absolutely useless and infuriate me.

 

[dolemitedrums]

Agree to disagree about psychosis as pointless arguing.

But even if I was to take antipsychotics just to shut everyone up , the MHP can't prescribe , psychosis team discharged after assessment and general MH team rejected referral without even speaking to me. GPs here don't prescribe antipsychs unless started and stabilised by psychiatrist. crisis team just cause more problems for me so not trying them. A&E is out the question as the psych team there are absolutely useless and infuriate me.

If you go to a hospital emergency and tell them everything you have told us I think they will give you antipsychotic medication.

I'm not trying to give you a hard time but seriously, you are talking about killing yourself over beliefs that should go away with the right medication and which certainly can't exist in the real world. Seriously...you would rather die than see if this goes away if treated? You are one of the relatively few people on here whose problems really can be solved.

 

[ferrie]

Idk. Ideally I need to ctb this week so a bit time left if any issues. I really doubt I'd get an appt. this week.
Even if somehow I did, I don't think I can tell her plan as can't risk her getting in my way. And too ashamed and anxious to admit about what happened last night as I really don't understand it.

I'm best giving up on mental health help. And they can't fix this anyway. It's affecting my mental health but this mind control is not a mental illness and is real. That's out of mental health services' remit

These are just questions I think you should think about, so don't worry about responding to this paragraph if you don't want to. Just food for thought. I can understand not wanting to tell her about your plan bc getting sectioned would be awful. You have said though that since you didn't meet the criteria for psychosis that must mean that they agree that you have to CTB to save people, including the panel that assessed you & the MHP. Would she get in your way if she truly did agree that this is real or something that can't be stopped? Or was saying that previously a justification? I don't know the full scope of what you're experiencing, and I don't want to come across as belittling or as if I'm trying to armchair diagnose you. That would be counterproductive. I do however think sometimes it comes across as if there are inconsistencies in your thought process, and I think that is something you should personally consider & evaluate in order to make rational decisions which is part of why I kept suggesting the notes.

I also understand feeling ashamed and anxious about last night. That sounds like a really worrying & confusing development. I do hope you're able to talk to someone about it though because they might be able to help you understand what happened.

I'm not going to try to talk you out of CTB. It's my understanding that you wanted to before any of this started. I do think that if that is truly what you want, there should be a way to go about it that doesn't put others at risk & with a mindset that is less frantic. If you think mental health services aren't beneficial, that is also your prerogative. Have you tried any avenues other than mental health services to get help? The major one I can think of is seeing a doctor about the chips you believe are in your foot & your face. Why not try to get them removed since you were trying to avoid getting more? You wouldn't even necessarily need to tell them about the chips. If you say you think you broke a bone & got an xray, anything metal would show up, and then that would be maybe a little less worry about the control & proof of what is happening

 

[timetodie24]

These are just questions I think you should think about, so don't worry about responding to this paragraph if you don't want to. Just food for thought. I can understand not wanting to tell her about your plan bc getting sectioned would be awful. You have said though that since you didn't meet the criteria for psychosis that must mean that they agree that you have to CTB to save people, including the panel that assessed you & the MHP. Would she get in your way if she truly did agree that this is real or something that can't be stopped? Or was saying that previously a justification? I don't know the full scope of what you're experiencing, and I don't want to come across as belittling or as if I'm trying to armchair diagnose you. That would be counterproductive. I do however think sometimes it comes across as if there are inconsistencies in your thought process, and I think that is something you should personally consider & evaluate in order to make rational decisions which is part of why I kept suggesting the notes.

I also understand feeling ashamed and anxious about last night. That sounds like a really worrying & confusing development. I do hope you're able to talk to someone about it though because they might be able to help you understand what happened.

I'm not going to try to talk you out of CTB. It's my understanding that you wanted to before any of this started. I do think that if that is truly what you want, there should be a way to go about it that doesn't put others at risk & with a mindset that is less frantic. If you think mental health services aren't beneficial, that is also your prerogative. Have you tried any avenues other than mental health services to get help? The major one I can think of is seeing a doctor about the chips you believe are in your foot & your face. Why not try to get them removed since you were trying to avoid getting more? You wouldn't even necessarily need to tell them about the chips. If you say you think you broke a bone & got an xray, anything metal would show up, and then that would be maybe a little less worry about the control & proof of what is happening

The MHP did think it was psychosis (hence referral) and psychosis team didn't - I've been consistent about that. Idk what the MHP thinks about that assessment since haven't spoken to her since . So she might still insist it's psychosis or she may agree since they're more qualified . But i know regardless she'd want to stop plan. most likely nothing would happen, just a plan doesn't get you sectioned here. But i risk her calling crisis team or telling my parents (services have told my parents before despite being adult and say it's duty of care).

It'd be pretty obvious I don't have broken foot if not swollen or bruised and I'm a terrible liar. Since I live with my parents I'd have to tell them too. I hardly go out these days so wouldn't have a cover if don't tell them.

My mum spoke to Gp secretary earlier who was just like 'well the email chasing up was sent over a week ago, not sure when you'll hear back' . After some pushing she reluctantly agreed to send another to MHP. So doubtful.

Thank you for your thoughtful response though. How are you feeling today, did you talk to your RN about the seizure ?

 

[ferrie]

The MHP did think it was psychosis (hence referral) and psychosis team didn't - I've been consistent about that. Idk what the MHP thinks about that assessment since haven't spoken to her since . So she might still insist it's psychosis or she may agree since they're more qualified . But i know regardless she'd want to stop plan. most likely nothing would happen, just a plan doesn't get you sectioned here. But i risk her calling crisis team or telling my parents (services have told my parents before despite being adult and say it's duty of care).

It'd be pretty obvious I don't have broken foot if not swollen or bruised and I'm a terrible liar. Since I live with my parents I'd have to tell them too. I hardly go out these days so wouldn't have a cover if don't tell them.

My mum spoke to Gp secretary earlier who was just like 'well the email chasing up was sent over a week ago, not sure when you'll hear back' . After some pushing she reluctantly agreed to send another to MHP. So doubtful.

Thank you for your thoughtful response though. How are you feeling today, did you talk to your RN about the seizure ?

That makes sense. I may be misremembering something you said before she made the referral to the psychosis team. I do hope you consider talking to her about the plan or getting your foot checked out, though I see the pitfalls to both. Maybe a work around for the foot would just be complaining of pain & describing it as feeling something inside still without mentioning the microchips? Because then you wouldn't be lying & they might still want an xray. Still depends on how you would feel talking to a doctor & your parents about it though. Your GP's office sounds so irresponsible, but at least your mom is willing to chase them up for you. I hope an appointment does get made just so you have the choice to talk to the MHP if you decide you want to. I hope the best and that you can find other options if you do want a way out.

I'm still feeling really sick. My appointment with the RN isn't for another 3 hours. My psychiatrist will be there in person today though when I normally only see her virtually, so it'll be good to get to talk to her too. I think the aftermath of the seizure is being perpetuated by a concussion. I'm also worried about lithium toxicity bc I feel worse around the time I take my meds & if I'm able to keep them down. Idk if it's possible that the severe methemoglobinemia I had could have affected my blood serum levels. A friend drove three hours to visit me on Saturday night though bc they were worried about me (didn't know about the attempt, just the seizure & awful stuff I had to do on Saturday), so I'm doing a lot better emotionally though

 

[alltoomuch2]

Funny how closed minded people can be on here about some things when very open to others. (Not aimed at anyone, just in general)

I've had communication about the future. Things did happen as I was told, directly from my [in]actions . I know about forthcoming disasters, strangers, children, everyone I care about all dead if I don't follow the orders. I have the power to save them. I'm not saying I'm some martyr or god as it is my fault they're in danger. Just doing the right thing. I know things none of you do so of course doesn't make sense to you but very real. I've had several months to fix this and now doing last min but it's time. Nothing good came of my life so at least good will come of my death. Me being alive messes with the timeline which can have catastrophic consequences for decades to come as completely changes the future forever.

Others may be involved in collateral damage, but that's life and the fault of the higher powers of the system. I don't like it but it's just how it is.

"Others may be involved in collateral damage". Did you explain this to the psychosis team? Did you explain that others will be harmed when you ctb as your voices ask? You need to go back to the MHP and tell them that. The self harm isn't the main problem is it? They all deserve to know about the rest in case they can help you, and spare other people. Your MHP needs to be firm with the psychosis team and demand they reexamine you.

 

[timetodie24]

That makes sense. I may be misremembering something you said before she made the referral to the psychosis team. I do hope you consider talking to her about the plan or getting your foot checked out, though I see the pitfalls to both. Maybe a work around for the foot would just be complaining of pain & describing it as feeling something inside still without mentioning the microchips? Because then you wouldn't be lying & they might still want an xray. Still depends on how you would feel talking to a doctor & your parents about it though. Your GP's office sounds so irresponsible, but at least your mom is willing to chase them up for you. I hope an appointment does get made just so you have the choice to talk to the MHP if you decide you want to. I hope the best and that you can find other options if you do want a way out.

I'm still feeling really sick. My appointment with the RN isn't for another 3 hours. My psychiatrist will be there in person today though when I normally only see her virtually, so it'll be good to get to talk to her too. I think the aftermath of the seizure is being perpetuated by a concussion. I'm also worried about lithium toxicity bc I feel worse around the time I take my meds & if I'm able to keep them down. Idk if it's possible that the severe methemoglobinemia I had could have affected my blood serum levels. A friend drove three hours to visit me on Saturday night though bc they were worried about me (didn't know about the attempt, just the seizure & awful stuff I had to do on Saturday), so I'm doing a lot better emotionally though

Thank you

Sorry you're still feeling rough. Horrible dealing
with all the mental stuff when you're ill physically too. I'm glad your friend is looking out for you though. I hope that your appointment goes as well as possible and is helpful.

"Others may be involved in collateral damage". Did you explain this to the psychosis team? Did you explain that others will be harmed when you ctb as your voices ask? You need to go back to the MHP and tell them that. The self harm isn't the main problem is it? They all deserve to know about the rest in case they can help you, and spare other people. Your MHP needs to be firm with the psychosis team and demand they reexamine you.

I will do everything I can to avoid others being harmed.

 

[ferrie]

Thank you

Sorry you're still feeling rough. Horrible dealing
with all the mental stuff when you're ill physically too. I'm glad your friend is looking out for you though. I hope that your appointment goes as well as possible and is helpful.

Just talked to the RN & two of the doctors. Conclusion is I have a concussion but should be fine. Thank you for asking & the well wishes I hope everything goes as well as possible for you too

 

[timetodie24]

FFS . Thinking of trying to get emergency GP appt. tomorrow . I don't see what they can do though so it seems like a stupid idea . But voices keep telling me about a specific way I should harm someone prior to ctb. I really don't want to and don't plan to. But given how much control they gained last night making me SH without me thinking of doing it. I am worried they could take control against others. It feels counterproductive going to GP when I want to die. I also feel guilt wasting their time since just waiting for referral but Idk how much longer it'll take and I don't have that kind of time. I worry what I could be capable of. But maybe it's just intrusive thoughts that the control system is taunting me with and I'm being stupid. Another relative has another health concern now and i don't know what, just that they made appt. which is one of the warning signs when I've broke a rule. So they could die if I say too much. Idk what to do. It is selfish to get help and not save them. It is cruel and evil to let people die because I'm too coward.
I've wanted to ctb for a long time anyway. Sure the method i'm being coerced into isn't the best but if well executed will be very effective. Lots coming up that I don't want to face and nothing I want to live for . I have no life, just rotting at home and always will so I may aswell go with what they say and die asap. I can't make it to my birthday, I can't. It's all connected so getting help for the thoughts against others could prevent my ctb on time too so it is too risky. Argh ignore me sorry just trying to figure it out in my head

 

[timetodie24]

I don't think I can actually. I can't even explain it in writing. I tried making notes but they're not right and they'll probably only have phone appts. left anyway. I can't make sense of it nevermind them. It just doesn't convey it . It's too much to get someone to understand in a 5-10 min consultation. They won't get it. I don't get it. Words are a mess like my mush brain. And won't be much different to what is already on my record for MHP so will be wasting appt. unless i tell plan but can't risk that.

Fuck it maybe i'll go to highway tomorrow that is only thing that makes sense in this.
Safest for everyone.

FFS . Thinking of trying to get emergency GP appt. tomorrow . I don't see what they can do though so it seems like a stupid idea . But voices keep telling me about a specific way I should harm someone prior to ctb. I really don't want to and don't plan to. But given how much control they gained last night making me SH without me thinking of doing it. I am worried they could take control against others. It feels counterproductive going to GP when I want to die. I also feel guilt wasting their time since just waiting for referral but Idk how much longer it'll take and I don't have that kind of time. I worry what I could be capable of. But maybe it's just intrusive thoughts that the control system is taunting me with and I'm being stupid. Another relative has another health concern now and i don't know what, just that they made appt. which is one of the warning signs when I've broke a rule. So they could die if I say too much. Idk what to do. It is selfish to get help and not save them. It is cruel and evil to let people die because I'm too coward.
I've wanted to ctb for a long time anyway. Sure the method i'm being coerced into isn't the best but if well executed will be very effective. Lots coming up that I don't want to face and nothing I want to live for . I have no life, just rotting at home and always will so I may aswell go with what they say and die asap. I can't make it to my birthday, I can't. It's all connected so getting help for the thoughts against others could prevent my ctb on time too so it is too risky. Argh ignore me sorry just trying to figure it out in my head

 

[ferrie]

I don't think I can actually. I can't even explain it in writing and they'll probably only have phone appts. left anyway. I can't make sense of it nevermind them. It just doesn't convey it . It's too much to get someone to understand in a 5-10 min consultation. They won't get it. I don't get it. Words are a mess like my mush brain. And won't be much different to what is already on my record for MHP so will be wasting appt. unless i tell plan but can't risk that.

Fuck it maybe i'll go to highway tomorrow that is only thing that makes sense in this.
Safest for everyone.

Why don't you try to see if they have something other than phone appointments left before you write it off? Or ask your mom if she'd be willing to ask for you? It seems like you do at least partially want to get an emergency appointment, so I think you should pursue that

 

[timetodie24]

Why don't you try to see if they have something other than phone appointments left before you write it off? Or ask your mom if she'd be willing to ask for you? It seems like you do at least partially want to get an emergency appointment, so I think you should pursue that

Face to face is other option if they have any and usually I'd write notes to hand to them but I tried writing it and I can't explain it. So that'll be no better . Also not sure it's safe for the dr for me to see them f2f.

No point anyway. It was stupid, selfish, deluded, impulsive idea to contact them, I can't.

Sorry for my waste of time self pity posts

 

[ferrie]

Face to face is other option if they have any and usually I'd write notes to hand to them but I tried writing it and I can't explain it. So that'll be no better . Also not sure it's safe for the dr for me to see them f2f.

No point anyway. It was stupid, selfish, deluded, impulsive idea to contact them, I can't.

Sorry for my waste of time self pity posts

I don't think your posts are a waste of time or self pity. You're clearly going through a lot, and it's okay to vent or try to get help even if you think it won't change anything. It's your decision, and I understand if seeing them face to face could feel problematic for you. I wish I had advice to be able to get through that, but I do genuinely think an emergency appointment would be a really good idea. If you focus on figuring out whether the appointment is possible first, maybe then you'd have an easier time writing down your explanation. I'm not sure what exactly you're having difficulty explaining, but maybe you could go back through your own posts as references