Venting Road to CTB

[timetodie24]

The metaphorical and literal road to CTB.
I have 2 weeks left till deadline (birthday) to fix the glitch and save up to 100s. So I was planning sometime next week. But I don't know how much longer I can wait. I was in a car driving down the chosen road today and it was and I could imagine it. I'll take something with me to make sure people don't get in my way. I will have way to stop any stupid person who does. Everything is getting too much, really struggling with basics and they are destroying more and more of my brain. I don't feel human, not sure what of me is left. They replace most of my thoughts with theirs. They're closing in and if I leave it too long they will put obstacles in my way. I need to do it sooner. Can't let them win and take others. Must take me. I can feel it. I'll lose capacity or ability to do some if wait too long. I need to do this asap. Such a stupid idiot should've done it sooner. They're coming for me and disaster is coming. It's simple I can do this just step in front and done. Coward. I got it. Will drink a little, get courage.

 

[timetodie24]

Stupid bitch . Another person ill because of me. Losing touch and time. I'm afraid. Just pull myself together and do it soon.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Reaching out in case you want someone to talk to. PMs open.

 

[timetodie24]

Reaching out in case you want someone to talk to. PMs open.

Thank you. I don't have words left to talk about it atm. But really appreciate offer

 

[dolemitedrums]

I'll take something with me to make sure people don't get in my way. I will have way to stop any stupid person who does.

If you are talking about a weapon and harming someone, I don't think this is a good idea. If some idiot does try to stop you, they mean well and don't deserve physical harm, and you'll get another chance in the future to end things without physically harming others.

We get to end our own lives. We don't get to end the lives of others.

 

[timetodie24]

If you are talking about a weapon and harming someone, I don't think this is a good idea. If some idiot does try to stop you, they mean well and don't deserve physical harm, and you'll get another chance in the future to end things without physically harming others.

We get to end our own lives. We don't get to end the lives of others.

This is my only chance though and not just about my life, I'm saving others.
I'll just warn people off, won't need to actually hurt them.

 

[dolemitedrums]

This is my only chance though and not just about my life, I'm saving others.
I'll just warn people off, won't need to actually hurt them.

Please reconsider the possibility that you are experiencing psychosis. There really are pills that bring people back to reality and you might not have to hurt either yourself or anyone else.

Not only might you want to live if you solve that...but even if you don't, do you want your last actions in this world to be waving a weapon at strangers.

 

[timetodie24]

Please reconsider the possibility that you are experiencing psychosis. There really are pills that bring people back to reality and you might not have to hurt either yourself or anyone else.

Not only might you want to live if you solve that...but even if you don't, do you want your last actions in this world to be waving a weapon at strangers.

My last actions are saving people. Making up for my error. Ridding the world of this waste of space. Even if others get hurt it's reasonable sacrifice for greater good. Glitch is multiplying and I'm only one to stop it.

 

[dolemitedrums]

My last actions are saving people. Making up for my error. Ridding the world of this waste of space. Even if others get hurt it's reasonable sacrifice for greater good. Glitch is multiplying and I'm only one to stop it.

You are not saving anyone by killing yourself and there is no glitch. You need antipsychotic medication before you hurt somebody. If you want to hurt yourself then I can't stop you but you should not be hurting anyone else in service of these beliefs. You are having a schizophrenic episode. It can go away if you just get help and you might be really happy without the delusions.

 

[SVEN]

Please try to get medical help before taking this action. If you still feel ending it all is best after that, you still have that option.
Best wishes whatever your decision.

 

[timetodie24]

Please try to get medical help before taking this action. If you still feel ending it all is best after that, you still have that option.
Best wishes whatever your decision.

I have and I still do.
Thank you.

You are not saving anyone by killing yourself and there is no glitch. You need antipsychotic medication before you hurt somebody. If you want to hurt yourself then I can't stop you but you should not be hurting anyone else in service of these beliefs. You are having a schizophrenic episode. It can go away if you just get help and you might be really happy without the delusions.

I already have been assessed and I don't have psychosis or schizophrenia . Not going to argue about that as have on previous threads.

I know you mean well, you just don't understand the responsibility and power I've been cursed with.

 

[dolemitedrums]

I already have been assessed and I don't have psychosis or schizophrenia . Not going to argue about that as have on previous threads.

I know you mean well, you just don't understand the responsibility and power I've been cursed with.

You do have psychosis or schizophrenia. That team of experts or whatever you called it screwed up or else you weren't entirely forthcoming. Get some pills and make that curse go away and see the world for what it is. Then you can at least make a decision based on reality.

 

[timetodie24]

Funny how closed minded people can be on here about some things when very open to others. (Not aimed at anyone, just in general)

I've had communication about the future. Things did happen as I was told, directly from my [in]actions . I know about forthcoming disasters, strangers, children, everyone I care about all dead if I don't follow the orders. I have the power to save them. I'm not saying I'm some martyr or god as it is my fault they're in danger. Just doing the right thing. I know things none of you do so of course doesn't make sense to you but very real. I've had several months to fix this and now doing last min but it's time. Nothing good came of my life so at least good will come of my death. Me being alive messes with the timeline which can have catastrophic consequences for decades to come as completely changes the future forever.

Others may be involved in collateral damage, but that's life and the fault of the higher powers of the system. I don't like it but it's just how it is.

 

[timetodie24]

Sorry just ignore as sort of using this like vent thread now I guess.

I don't feel right at all but can't explain. Scared of what brain damage they have caused. Head doesn't feel right and brain is foggy. Pain in my face that I'm worried could be from another microchip.

Walked dog and hate leaving house as don't trust myself around people because of the evil ideas they put in my head.
Also walked near when one of my friends I ghosted lived and was terrified of bumping into her as she'll die if I speak to her.

 

[ferrie]

Obviously we don't have the same experiences, but I know how frustrating & scary it can be when your brain doesn't feel right but you don't have the words to explain it. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all of that on top of the stress you already have. My dms are also always open if you ever want to chat

 

[timetodie24]

Obviously we don't have the same experiences, but I know how frustrating & scary it can be when your brain doesn't feel right but you don't have the words to explain it. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all of that on top of the stress you already have. My dms are also always open if you ever want to chat

Sorry you can relate to that aspect.
Thank you, I appreciate offer

 

[timetodie24]

Just venting again sorry .Something really weird happened tonight and not sure what to think.

Sometimes I SH by carving words on me. Usually negative words as punishment. However, more recently it's codes or messages from those in control. They don't say I have to carve them but I choose to as a way of confirming and remembering guess. It's like extra safety.

It was different tonight, before I knew what I was doing they took over and made me carve a message. I wasn't dissociated, I was aware of what I was doing but not why . I started carving it before I had the full messages and the rest just came to me as i did it. Now I have the words ' this kills now ' and ' he's here forever' on my thigh . What the fuck does that even mean ?!? Who is he or this or what kills? I have no clue at all

It's like they influenced my brain but I was still in control of my body so why didn't I stop them. I'm honestly really afraid. Worried what else they could make me do and what any of these messages mean. Maybe I'm really losing my mind now

 

[ferrie]

Just venting again sorry .Something really weird happened tonight and not sure what to think.

Sometimes I SH by carving words on me. Usually negative words as punishment. However, more recently it's codes or messages from those in control. They don't say I have to carve them but I choose to as a way of confirming and remembering guess. It's like extra safety.

It was different tonight, before I knew what I was doing they took over and made me carve a message. I wasn't dissociated, I was aware of what I was doing but not why . I started carving it before I had the full messages and the rest just came to me as i did it. Now I have the words ' this kills now ' and ' he's here forever' on my thigh . What the fuck does that even mean ?!? Who is he or this or what kills? I have no clue at all

It's like they influenced my brain but I was still in control of my body so why didn't I stop them. I'm honestly really afraid. Worried what else they could make me do and what any of these messages mean. Maybe I'm really losing my mind now

Have you discussed the self harm with your MHP at all? Not the scary new development obviously, but in general

 

[dolemitedrums]

Funny how closed minded people can be on here about some things when very open to others. (Not aimed at anyone, just in general)

It is probably me you have in mind but this is because I am trying to help you. You are one of the fairly few people on here who really can be helped and who really should not be considering ending their lives, at least not for the stated reasons. The stuff you believe really isn't happening. That's how mental illness works. You really can get pills that will make these incorrect beliefs go away, and I understand how strongly and how real they feel for you. That's how that stuff works.

Didn't you say earlier on here that some weeks ago your parents were going to die according the voices and that was a certainty, or something like that. Well that day passed and it didn't happen.

 

[timetodie24]

Have you discussed the self harm with your MHP at all? Not the scary new development obviously, but in general

Yeah I have and with lots of other professionals over the years too

 

[spentspirit]

I see that you joined in 2023 whereas your username mentions 2024. Are you perhaps trying to create a self fulfilling prophecy about ctb? Have you talked with your MHP about the visions of the future that you hold?

 

[timetodie24]

I see that you joined in 2023 whereas your username mentions 2024. Are you perhaps trying to create a self fulfilling prophecy about ctb? Have you talked with your MHP about the visions of the future that you hold?

I had a different user when I joined in 23. I just changed it as was bored, not that deep just want to die in 24, not self-fulfilling prophecy . It's more that can't cope longer than this year. The control isn't only issue, wanted to die long before that.
I don't have visions, just told what'll happen in future if I don't follow rules and have told the MHP that

It is probably me you have in mind but this is because I am trying to help you. You are one of the fairly few people on here who really can be helped and who really should not be considering ending their lives, at least not for the stated reasons. The stuff you believe really isn't happening. That's how mental illness works. You really can get pills that will make these incorrect beliefs go away, and I understand how strongly and how real they feel for you. That's how that stuff works.

Didn't you say earlier on here that some weeks ago your parents were going to die according the voices and that was a certainty, or something like that. Well that day passed and it didn't happen.

Lots of people, not just you. I get you mean well but you don't get to decide that I can be 'helped' and that I shouldn't end my life. You don't know me and this is pro choice site

 

[Ash]

It is probably me you have in mind but this is because I am trying to help you

If the OP is suffering from some sort of psychosis, that's probably the least helpful but the most creepy thing you could have written, especially to a young woman.

If the OP is not suffering from some sort of psychosis, that's probably the least helpful but the most creepy thing you could have written, especially to a young woman.

 

[dolemitedrums]

If the OP is suffering from some sort of psychosis, that's probably the least helpful but the most creepy thing you could have written, especially to a young woman.

If the OP is not suffering from some sort of psychosis, that's probably the least helpful but the most creepy thing you could have written, especially to a young woman.

It's not creepy. I have an ongoing dialogue with OP in several threads they have started about these matters and have probably been the one most commonly urging them to get help. Don't read stuff into things that isn't there. They DO have psychosis and to say that it is obvious is beyond an understatement. There is literally no chance that they are not experiencing psychosis.

 

[Ash]

It's not creepy ... Don't read stuff into things that isn't there.

Nope, doesn't matter how you look at it, "I'm in your head and made you carve messages into your thigh" will always be creepy - and that's putting it mildly.

 

[dolemitedrums]

Nope, doesn't matter how you look at it, "I'm in your head and made you carve messages into your thigh" will always be creepy - and that's putting it mildly.

Like I said don't read stuff that isn't there.

 

[timetodie24]

Nope, doesn't matter how you look at it, "I'm in your head and made you carve messages into your thigh" will always be creepy - and that's putting it mildly.

Tbf I did not read it that way at all . @dolemitedrums quoted a different post, not the one above about carving messages. They were replying to my comment where I said 'funny how people on here can be close minded' . I think they just meant that I was probably including them in 'close minded people'

I don't agree with their comments but I know they're trying to help and I don't believe they were being creepy at all.

 

[dolemitedrums]

Tbf I did not read it that way at all . @dolemitedrums quoted a different post, not the one above about carving messages. They were replying to my comment where I said 'funny how people on here can be close minded' . I think they just meant that I was probably including them in 'close minded people'

I don't agree with their comments but I know they're trying to help and I don't believe they were being creepy at all.

Respect.

 

[ferrie]

Yeah I have and with lots of other professionals over the years too

Have you shown them to anyone since they changed from self punishment to messages? I know you said you told them everything except the active plans to CTB but just wondering about this bc if they didn't offer you any support besides advising DBT skills knowing this is going on then that's really just gross negligence

 

[timetodie24]

Have you shown them to anyone since they changed from self punishment to messages? I know you said you told them everything except the active plans to CTB but just wondering about this bc if they didn't offer you any support besides advising DBT skills knowing this is going on then that's really just gross negligence

I didn't show them but I told the MHP and the nurses in the psychosis assessment that I was SH by carving codes to protect people.

I guess they tried to help tbf just falling in the gaps between services . The MHP did the referral that she thought was right and psychosis team can't help since the SH isn't related to psychosis.