Risky behaviours

[Blue_mist]

Lately I've been engaging in risky behaviours, i drink all day long to get liver damage, smoke, junk food, having unprotected sex and dirty disgusting fetishes with strangers, pushing away friends when i need them the most. Unfortunately, so far I'm not seeing the results i wish to get . It's not my main intention to kill myself but i enjoy doing what I do believing that I am worthless garbage sack , could it be borderline personality disorder? Has anyone experienced this?

 

[chronicallybroken]

That sort of risky behaviour is one of the symptoms of BPD yes.

I hope you can manage to pull yourself out of the self-destruction, even just a little bit. Maybe see some friends who you feel most at ease around. Or go to the sexual health clinic - not sure where you're located but here in the UK you can get tests posted to you. Just a little something to take care of yourself.

 

[Blue_mist]

That sort of risky behaviour is one of the symptoms of BPD yes.

I hope you can manage to pull yourself out of the self-destruction, even just a little bit. Maybe see some friends who you feel most at ease around. Or go to the sexual health clinic - not sure where you're located but here in the UK you can get tests posted to you. Just a little something to take care of yourself.

I don't want to pull myself out of it, i feel satisfied damaging my health because I hate me so much, gosh I'm peace of

 

[Hollowman]

I've experienced that and I've thought I might have bpd

 

[Everlong]

Yep. I have BPD and that sounds like classic mania. I can get outta hand. It was actually an episode two months ago that started with a minor mistake and spiraled to complete destruction of everything I care about in a matter of a few hours. I don't see a way out but I imagine it will be in that state of mind that I'm impulsive enough to CTB.

 

[SexyIncél]

It was actually an episode two months ago that started with a minor mistake and spiraled to complete destruction of everything I care about in a matter of a few hours.

Are you comfortable saying what happened? You can hide details if you want

 

[Everlong]

Are you comfortable saying what happened? You can hide details if you want

I don't drink…except when I do. Went in vacation with my wife and 3 kids to meet my wife's family. Sisters and dad with niece and nephews. 4 hours after we got there I was ordering food for my daughters. Tempted to a double of JD. Was so good I had to take another to make sure I wasn't mistaken.
I believe I found my klonopin because it wasn't there when I got home. I have 5 snippets of the rest of the evening. All absolutely terrible. The first was driving to Walmart with my brother in law. I drove…yeah. Bought wine. Drank a bottle in about 10 minutes.
The other snippets I'm not comfortable sharing. Too embarrassing and painful. Except my wife was concerned I had a pistol in my backpack. She wanted it and I was afraid I wouldn't get it back so I clung to it. No brandishing. No threats. No anger. Just outta my fucking head with a loaded .45 in my possession.
Woke up to a woman scorned. Had to leave early by myself. It's civil now but over. This is preceded by 20 years of bipolar disorder, ptsd, alcohol and substance abuse off and on for 20 years. The proverbial straw…
Everything I care about is right in front of me but a million miles away. I'm not living long without them.
I'm not sure why I'm at liberty to share but perhaps someone reads this and thinks, "Holy shit! Maybe it's not so bad!"

 

[Thefuture]

Yes, stop doing this. Trust me, you'll think it'll kill you but in reality all it'll do is ruin your life. It's hard to kill yourself. I got drunk as fuck and did so many bad embarrasing reckless shit. Now I just have a lot of shame. I gotta live with the shit I've done. I have huge scars all over my body. Not worth it. I think it is a BPD behaviour. But I don't precsibe to those kinda titles. I find it's just limiting and kinda insulting.

 

[Hollowillow]

Lately I've been engaging in risky behaviours, i drink all day long to get liver damage, smoke, junk food, having unprotected sex and dirty disgusting fetishes with strangers, pushing away friends when i need them the most. Unfortunately, so far I'm not seeing the results i wish to get . It's not my main intention to kill myself but i enjoy doing what I do believing that I am worthless garbage sack , could it be borderline personality disorder? Has anyone experienced this?

Self punishment? But then don't you end up with more shame to punish?

I'd try to od on heroin if I was a party girl. Try auto erotic asphyxiation?

I don't want to pull myself out of it, i feel satisfied damaging my health because I hate me so much, gosh I'm peace of

Take the bus faster? Or you're enjoying the mazochism? It sounds like freedom in a way. But I follow some rules because they are mine. I don't give myself to strangers. I'd try to refrain from spreading poop all around me, but you seem to enjoy it. Yay for self acceptance?

I don't drink…except when I do. Went in vacation with my wife and 3 kids to meet my wife's family. Sisters and dad with niece and nephews. 4 hours after we got there I was ordering food for my daughters. Tempted to a double of JD. Was so good I had to take another to make sure I wasn't mistaken.
I believe I found my klonopin because it wasn't there when I got home. I have 5 snippets of the rest of the evening. All absolutely terrible. The first was driving to Walmart with my brother in law. I drove…yeah. Bought wine. Drank a bottle in about 10 minutes.
The other snippets I'm not comfortable sharing. Too embarrassing and painful. Except my wife was concerned I had a pistol in my backpack. She wanted it and I was afraid I wouldn't get it back so I clung to it. No brandishing. No threats. No anger. Just outta my fucking head with a loaded .45 in my possession.
Woke up to a woman scorned. Had to leave early by myself. It's civil now but over. This is preceded by 20 years of bipolar disorder, ptsd, alcohol and substance abuse off and on for 20 years. The proverbial straw…
Everything I care about is right in front of me but a million miles away. I'm not living long without them.
I'm not sure why I'm at liberty to share but perhaps someone reads this and thinks, "Holy shit! Maybe it's not so bad!"

Holy shit maybe drinking actual poison is bad for your brain and there is nothing wrong with your personality. Not everyone can handle booze, I have reactive hypoglycemia & I can't even bear vinegar without my brain turning to shit.

 

[k1w1]

I'd try to od on heroin if I was a party girl.
We are in the wrong part of the world for that, It would make life way easier otherwise hey?

 

[Hollowillow]

I'd try to od on heroin if I was a party girl.
We are in the wrong part of the world for that, It would make life way easier otherwise hey?

I'm canadian... I don't think we have guns or heroin... Do we? How?

 

[k1w1]

I'm canadian... I don't think we have guns or heroin... Do we? How?

Excuse me....I confused your post with the one above. And yes, as a Canadian you have ample of both.

 

[allblackallwhite]

That sort of risky behaviour is one of the symptoms of BPD yes.

This isn't true. The symptom is emotional dysregulation. Some people have risky behavior because of that but most dont. It's a subtle but very important distinction.

 

[chronicallybroken]

This isn't true. The symptom is emotional dysregulation. Some people have risky behavior because of that but most dont. It's a subtle but very important distinction.

My comment was a bit of a broad stroke, I apologise for that.

Yes emotional dysregulation seems to be the core of it, common across all those considered to have BPD. It's very heterogeneous though. Arguably the dysregulation leads to these impulsive behaviours, perhaps we do it to feel something or to stop feeling something. You're right - not all those considered to have BPD exhibit impulsive/risky behaviour. It's one of many possible symptoms.

I don't really believe in PDs as a diagnosis, for the record.