x51391225x
Member
- Jul 1, 2020
- 26
I'm trying to think how I want to phrase this, so bear with me.
I have a lot of shitty friends. I don't connect easily with people and relationships of any kind usually end up toxic. I am manipulative by nature, but I do try my best to not be. I have attachment and abandonment issues stemming from childhood. Friendships and relationships for me, start out very intense. I'm falsely charismatic, but they end up realizing how broken I am. They almost inevitably end up the no contact route. Blocked, pretend I never existed, etc. For the most part, I seem to be pretty disposable to other people. They get what they want or need and then it's easy to forget about me.
As much as I know how upset my family will be when I CTB, the ones I think about are my "friends" and other people I've cared about. I've told them I was suicidal and I'm pretty sure they all thought it was a manipulation tactic. I didn't want help, I still wanted to do it, but being blown off just further confirmed it didn't matter. No one cared if was here. I hope there is some kind of afterlife just to see their reactions when they realize I wasn't being dramatic.
Is it fucked up to feel almost vengeful in a way? Does anyone else feel that way?
I have a lot of shitty friends. I don't connect easily with people and relationships of any kind usually end up toxic. I am manipulative by nature, but I do try my best to not be. I have attachment and abandonment issues stemming from childhood. Friendships and relationships for me, start out very intense. I'm falsely charismatic, but they end up realizing how broken I am. They almost inevitably end up the no contact route. Blocked, pretend I never existed, etc. For the most part, I seem to be pretty disposable to other people. They get what they want or need and then it's easy to forget about me.
As much as I know how upset my family will be when I CTB, the ones I think about are my "friends" and other people I've cared about. I've told them I was suicidal and I'm pretty sure they all thought it was a manipulation tactic. I didn't want help, I still wanted to do it, but being blown off just further confirmed it didn't matter. No one cared if was here. I hope there is some kind of afterlife just to see their reactions when they realize I wasn't being dramatic.
Is it fucked up to feel almost vengeful in a way? Does anyone else feel that way?