existtoexit
luna
- Mar 7, 2024
- 10
So ever since a botched suicide/ overdose attempt, I've been trying my hand at recovering/ seeking alternatives. I often go to this site as a way to cope/ reach out when I am feeling in distress as a way to help with thoughts. Seeking help online is one thing, but seeing as I developed a crisis due to my recovery/ protective actions, I am seeking outside resources and ways to better improve myself as a person.
I have been dealing with a depressive episode for over 2 weeks now and a sense of going manic on and off for around 4 months now. Ever since being home, I've had a urge of collecting up pills in case of a emergency or several plans if a overdose fails again. I have currently not acted on this as I want to find recovery and perhaps a sense of belonging on this earth even if it means fighting for my will to live. Over the past few months since my overdose, I have witnessed the result of having no sense of stability and "relying on a miracle" as I call it. My manic episodes are my only source of productiveness and when my other co-host alter appears. But these alters in my case, have led to violent tendencies, screaming at those I care about, and feeling "non-human or non-deserving of the title of a human."
I am currently living with my parents, both my mother and father. They have the patience of saints, but as I rapidly decline, this fades, understandably. Having a "fawn-like" mindset due to PTSD has led me to do outrageous things. For example, a protective alter I have named *blank* (Not revealed for privacy), is a result of being raped as a teenager, She can become violent in her tendencies to protect and control my surroundings. I've realized this alter is a very unhealthy coping mechanism as my relationships are becoming affected and she has made me feel like I've lost control. I have no way of controlling the switches, or how they interact with people and therefore, I seek advice on how I may improve this. Just last night, I realized her tendencies were becoming too much, as She screamed at my friend for disrespecting another, and shortly found out, She had threatened him as well. This morning, as my mother threatened to kick me out, as she caused a seizure-like switch to occur, She got a water-bottle and appeared threatening to my mother. Who is now scared I will murder her or kill her.
My relationship with my boyfriend has also been impacted by my co-op DID and PTSD with several instances of anger and avoidance with jealously of the BPD. The borderline has began to impact me in such a way, I feel as if I'm being killed by a condition. I feel weaker, number, and my emotions have become only sadness as I am afraid of affecting those who I love. I'm seeking recovery in any-way I can to treat these conditions and I thought a forum would be a good start as a place to reach out. I don't want to end my life, I really just want to make peace with it.
I have been dealing with a depressive episode for over 2 weeks now and a sense of going manic on and off for around 4 months now. Ever since being home, I've had a urge of collecting up pills in case of a emergency or several plans if a overdose fails again. I have currently not acted on this as I want to find recovery and perhaps a sense of belonging on this earth even if it means fighting for my will to live. Over the past few months since my overdose, I have witnessed the result of having no sense of stability and "relying on a miracle" as I call it. My manic episodes are my only source of productiveness and when my other co-host alter appears. But these alters in my case, have led to violent tendencies, screaming at those I care about, and feeling "non-human or non-deserving of the title of a human."
I am currently living with my parents, both my mother and father. They have the patience of saints, but as I rapidly decline, this fades, understandably. Having a "fawn-like" mindset due to PTSD has led me to do outrageous things. For example, a protective alter I have named *blank* (Not revealed for privacy), is a result of being raped as a teenager, She can become violent in her tendencies to protect and control my surroundings. I've realized this alter is a very unhealthy coping mechanism as my relationships are becoming affected and she has made me feel like I've lost control. I have no way of controlling the switches, or how they interact with people and therefore, I seek advice on how I may improve this. Just last night, I realized her tendencies were becoming too much, as She screamed at my friend for disrespecting another, and shortly found out, She had threatened him as well. This morning, as my mother threatened to kick me out, as she caused a seizure-like switch to occur, She got a water-bottle and appeared threatening to my mother. Who is now scared I will murder her or kill her.
My relationship with my boyfriend has also been impacted by my co-op DID and PTSD with several instances of anger and avoidance with jealously of the BPD. The borderline has began to impact me in such a way, I feel as if I'm being killed by a condition. I feel weaker, number, and my emotions have become only sadness as I am afraid of affecting those who I love. I'm seeking recovery in any-way I can to treat these conditions and I thought a forum would be a good start as a place to reach out. I don't want to end my life, I really just want to make peace with it.
