Resigning myself to loneliness

[stinkybugboi413]

I've made the decision to give things a go again, but I really think I want one of my goals to just being ok with being alone and not really having relationships. Of all kinds really, not just romantic. I want them and that want is a big cause of why I'm even on here, but I've come to the conclusion that I can't handle them and that if I can be ok with being alone that'll be better for me long term than constantly fucking up relationships and unintentionally hurting people because I'm an unwitting asshole. I don't think I'm ever going to get it right because I can never really tell what I'm doing wrong to begin with, though I can guess, but I'm also usually wrong about most things, so I also kinda feel like I'm just being stupid and taking the easy way out of running away. Thoughts? Anyone else go or going through similar? (Sorry if this has been asked a bunch already: can't search yet).

 

[lumipallo]

I want one of my goals to just being ok with being alone

Doubt that's possible, like being ok without drinking water. Surely the fact that most humans are in relationships tells us that humans can't live without them, otherwise they wouldn't be in them to begin with.
Loneliness is a running theme on this forum - surely that also tells us something about whether or not humans can live alone.

 

[Ethereal Knight]

I tried to do literally that. like, literally.

initially I was able to be enough distracted by my hobbies, like my aesthetic goals, my bodybuilding routine at the gym and my meal prep…

but as years passed by, it started to become increasingly evident and undeniable for me that I was born to be social, and that keeping that "eremit misanthropic mindset" would poison me slowly until I literally die.

the death cause could be considered as something like suicide, cancer, heart attack, overdose, dementia or related, but its hidden (and perhaps "true") cause would be loneliness.

there's enough scientific research on this area already. they say it reduces your life expectancy as much as smoking cigarettes.

although the reasons for that are not yet fully understood, it's very clear that it's extremely harmful and some of its effects have been already elucidated, like for example it triggers a fight-or-flight state, causes chronic inflammation and contributes to psychological illnesses.

John Cacioppo and his colleagues did a good amount of research on this area.

although you can survive for decades while being lonely, it would be a miserable life, full of of frustration and pain.

after trying literally while you said, I now don't recommend. I wish I could go back in time.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I'm thinking about kind of the same thing after I move. I'm feeling so done with people. I'll still talk to a couple people but we only share the occasional message every several weeks anyway.
My bpd and people don't seem to mix so I'm better off alone. Humans are painful, even unintentionally

 

[maxtothemax]

When I'm depressed, I end up shutting other people out and I isolate myself. The depressive fog stops me from seeing and thinking clearly. I feel like I'm better off alone, I don't deserve to be loved etc.

When the fog clears, I feel regret. I regret not replying to messages, ignoring my friends, losing those friends. It's in our human nature to be social, even as an introvert. We are still social creatures and need human interaction. It's hard without it.

 

[come to dust]

I've made the decision to give things a go again, but I really think I want one of my goals to just being ok with being alone and not really having relationships. Of all kinds really, not just romantic. I want them and that want is a big cause of why I'm even on here, but I've come to the conclusion that I can't handle them and that if I can be ok with being alone that'll be better for me long term than constantly fucking up relationships and unintentionally hurting people because I'm an unwitting asshole. I don't think I'm ever going to get it right because I can never really tell what I'm doing wrong to begin with, though I can guess, but I'm also usually wrong about most things, so I also kinda feel like I'm just being stupid and taking the easy way out of running away. Thoughts? Anyone else go or going through similar? (Sorry if this has been asked a bunch already: can't search yet).

I don't have anything to add but if you don't mind I'd be interested to know why you think you can't form good relationships. What do you do specifically that fucks it up or mishandles it?

 

[stinkybugboi413]

I don't have anything to add but if you don't mind I'd be interested to know why you think you can't form good relationships. What do you do specifically that fucks it up or mishandles it?

I don't reallly trust most people enough to open up so they never become good relationships; the ones I've tried opening up to either don't or misunderstand what I'm trying to say and we fall out because I get frustrated and make things worse; I also barely talk until I get to know someone fairly well or I'm with a group I know, and even then it's not that much so I absolute suck at conversations and getting to know people; and I'm just generally socially clueless and can never tell how I come across. I try to be friendly, but I have a super flat affect that comes across as uninterested or intimidating, which really just compounds my awkwardness. And apparently I unintentionally insult people or am mean without realizing it: was recently told to my face that I say fucked up shit and she refused to believe I didn't know what I said/how it came across because I "can't be that stupid". I just don't think socially almost at all, like, I'll occasionally want to talk to someone, but it'll be months in between: it doesn't occur to me to be more in contact. I generally like my family, but I see them once or twice a year and we don't really talk in between, except for my parents who live local and check in every so often. I have one what I'd call good friend who lives across country and has been honestly my longest relationship outside family because she for some reason refuses to leave. But I still barely even keep up with her, though luckily I guess she's just as bad. I'm rambling now, but I'm just tired of being the social idiot who hurts other people and doesn't realize until they leave.

 

[stinkybugboi413]

I tried to do literally that. like, literally.

initially I was able to be enough distracted by my hobbies, like my aesthetic goals, my bodybuilding routine at the gym and my meal prep…

but as years passed by, it started to become increasingly evident and undeniable for me that I was born to be social, and that keeping that "eremit misanthropic mindset" would poison me slowly until I literally die.

the death cause could be considered as something like suicide, cancer, heart attack, overdose, dementia or related, but its hidden (and perhaps "true") cause would be loneliness.

there's enough scientific research on this area already. they say it reduces your life expectancy as much as smoking cigarettes.

although the reasons for that are not yet fully understood, it's very clear that it's extremely harmful and some of its effects have been already elucidated, like for example it triggers a fight-or-flight state, causes chronic inflammation and contributes to psychological illnesses.

John Cacioppo and his colleagues did a good amount of research on this area.

although you can survive for decades while being lonely, it would be a miserable life, full of of frustration and pain.

after trying literally while you said, I now don't recommend. I wish I could go back in time.

You're last line is pretty ironic to me because I wish the same thing, but for the reverse: I want to go back to my days of obliviousness, when I didn't realize I wanted to be social and therefore didn't care as much when it didn't really pan out. I think I've always been pretty lonely and will continue to be so, but actually being aware of it just feels so much worse to me: that's why I just want to accept and own it I guess.

 

[rainwillneverstop]

cope however you have to if it makes you hold on.
And hope.
Hope is all we got.

 

[Cosmic dust]

Sometimes it feels like there is nothing that we can do. For people like us:

Try too much and desire too much to not be alone and you despair and suffer with the struggle and failures.

Try to embrace loneliness and you suffer with you emotional needs not being met and with the frustration.

Try to take one day at time without paying too much attention to it and nothing ever changes.

Actually engage with people and not only you can't connect properly, you find yourself not liking people, because you lived in isolation for so long.

 

[PreussenBlueJay]

Back when it would be considered normal for me to approach other people my age and hang out, I shunned it for the security of loneliness. What I learned was that loneliness was fine when I was in school and surrounded by people anyway. I could hear and see those people who had similar circumstances to me. Now I am truly alone, albeit living with aging parents. I talk with my co-workers but as of last year none are remotely close to my age.

Those dreams I have after waking in the middle of the night and returning to sleep (thus vivid) are of a time when I may have been able to change my self-isolating habits. I can't tell you how imprisoned I now feel. I only think of the good old days and I hate that I have all the isolation now that I sought in the past. I thought I was aloof but I had mates who probably had some idea where this would end up and tried to change my behavior.

The distractions ultimately meant nothing. I don't know if it would be the same for everyone but I suspect it's universal.

 

[absurd_to_the_end]

You sound very similar to me in how your interactions with other people tend to not go well; for me it was a little less problematic when I was younger so I managed to have a small number of friends (I never felt like I needed many), but now I have none.

I have also tried to make peace with being completely alone, and though I think to some extent I became more comfortable with it, it has been years now and it's really wearing on me. I need some degree of connection, and the lack of it is starting to affect my health, as well as mentally bringing me to the point of having no hope.

Everyone is different though, there's nothing wrong with trying to make peace with it, I think you'll know after awhile whether it could work for you.

 

[Celerity]

As I've gotten older, I have found people less interesting. When I moved away to school, I noticed something strange. I gravitated toward people who were very similar to my old classmates. They had the same interests, personalities, and belief systems. It's like I had never left home.

Our culture prizes individuality, but the vast majority of people are just not that unique. It is so easy to find patterns in people's behaviors. I have gotten much better at sensing when someone is going to mistreat, abandon, or betray me. It just is what it is.

As a result, being alone doesn't seem like the death sentence it once did. I enjoy my own company. Occasionally, I still fantasize about being liked and having friends, but this is good enough for now.

 

[cooldude420]

I recommend The Menu by Aaron Clarey. Find it on amazon or elsewhere. It is incredibly practical on how to live unpartnered.

 

[Ethereal Knight]

 

[Cosmic dust]

If I kill myself, maybe someone will look.

Can't say it never crossed my mind.

Its not for nothing that solitary confinement was been used as a form of punishment in many places.

 

[Ethereal Knight]

If I kill myself, maybe someone will look.

Can't say it never crossed my mind.

Its not for nothing that solitary confinement was been used as a form of punishment in many places.

I'll CTB, and I spent a good amount of time thinking if I should delete my Facebook profile before CTB, or leave it activated and public. the latter option is very tempting, because I know people would pay attention after I was gone. maybe they would even learn a lesson and start valuing people while they're still alive (this is obviously unlikely).

I chose that I will delete it, because after looking at profiles of people who CTB, I felt so bad, so sad, that I don't want good people to feel the same while they look at mine. I'd rather be forgotten than making people feel ultra sad viewing my profile. all of us are gonna be forgotten eventually anyway…

right now I have a bunch of depressive stuff on my profile, but just like it always been, people only look for me when they want something. I don't blame them, this is probably just human nature or something like that. I couldn't help my friend either, who showed me his arm full of open wounds from self-harm and ended up jumping from a building. it's not like I didn't want to, I just didn't know what to do. nobody taught me what's the solution for this kind of problem and half a decade later, I still don't really know. plus after being raised by cold and distant parents, who almost didn't show affection at all, and also growing up surrounded by macho culture, it was hard for me to show affection for another man, hug him and things like that. I know that my dead friend is not reading this, but bro, I'm sorry.

 

[whatevs]

I tried to do literally that. like, literally.

initially I was able to be enough distracted by my hobbies, like my aesthetic goals, my bodybuilding routine at the gym and my meal prep…

but as years passed by, it started to become increasingly evident and undeniable for me that I was born to be social, and that keeping that "eremit misanthropic mindset" would poison me slowly until I literally die.

the death cause could be considered as something like suicide, cancer, heart attack, overdose, dementia or related, but its hidden (and perhaps "true") cause would be loneliness.

there's enough scientific research on this area already. they say it reduces your life expectancy as much as smoking cigarettes.

although the reasons for that are not yet fully understood, it's very clear that it's extremely harmful and some of its effects have been already elucidated, like for example it triggers a fight-or-flight state, causes chronic inflammation and contributes to psychological illnesses.

John Cacioppo and his colleagues did a good amount of research on this area.

although you can survive for decades while being lonely, it would be a miserable life, full of of frustration and pain.

after trying literally while you said, I now don't recommend. I wish I could go back in time.

Alright. So apparently this is a prison planet/hellish existence where you are forced to do everything under the menace of suffering and death, including having to thrust yourself among other humans, many of whom are dangerous or immoral. We are forced to eat, forced to sleep, forced to shit, forced to socialize, forced to work, forced to pleasure ourselves or have sex. There's nothing free about living. It literally seems to be about a fixed path guided by urges, pain and fear.

Awesome.