Venting Relationship probably over, not much stopping me now

[greatgooglymoogly]

Idk why I'm putting all this BS up here, no one really cares and this is TMI but I'm high on some bullshit and have no friends so here.

Gf and I have been having difficulty communicating for a long time now, mostly over the past year. Things have only gotten worse with my depression and obviously my desire to ctb. She was the only thing keeping me going at a lot of times, whether she knew it or not, even when we weren't doing so well. I love her and I've always had the feeling she's not 100% sure on me and she has a lot of her own struggles she has difficulty communicating to me, so I've always done my best to be patient and such. But obviously I haven't sustained that well through all this mental health BS and it's kind of coming to a head. last night we had a brief spat where i said something in response to her that alluded to my mental state, and she was frustrated and not understanding how shitty I was feeling said something cynical and I snapped at her when I shouldn't have. Tonight she texted and said she thinks we might "take a break" which in my experience seems to mean things are probably over lol.

which may be for the best, but still not an easy thing to take. i plan to kms as soon as my sn gets here so like i guess we didn't have a lot of time together left anyway. Idk if it's for the best or not honestly as now i feel I'll have to emphasize very very hard in my note that this was a long time coming and not directly related to her and our relationship. Just another layer of complications in my head and idek if it ultimately matters bc I'm dealing her a massive shit sandwich here either way. For a while I wanted to die after having a nice night out with her or something but that was so long ago and my attempts and everything since have changed that. Those good times are gone and I'm probably just gonna do it alone on a crummy weeknight in my apartment kitchen while my roommates are gone/asleep. Boohoo look at sad dramatic me.

good news is I'm more at peace than ever with death. I'm Christian and last night I had a long session of driving and pretty much screaming into the night at god and now I'm pretty content that I'm not just gonna go to black. I get that most here view life oppositely to me but i do view my life as a gift in general, and I hate disrespecting GOd by throwing it away, but it's.A gift I've messed up. I have hope for eternity and just ctb in general feels more and more necessary. It used to feel like I was trying to avoid the future as much as escape the present and now all the shit I feared in the future is going down and it IS the present and I feel so defeated I'm just ready to go. Truly ready, more than I ever have been. It's been five years coming and it's almost time

 

[LaVieEnRose]

If you need to talk in more depth about this you can always message me.

 

[Geengezondementalit]

you didn't wait for the sn to arrive? Hope you find peace, I really do

 

[Argo]

"Probably over" is not really worth worrying about if you value your relationship. You can deal with that when it arrives. What people usually do is something like that sounds like this:

"I can't take the thought/feeling of losing this person, so I'm just going to declare my relationship to them over in advance, so I can stop suffering in uncertainty of the worst case scenario"

That's how relationships that aren't truly over become truly over-- once a person does that.

The more immediate problem is the fact that you are a person who is suffering immensely, is struggling to deal with that pain, and in a relationship with someone who is also suffering immensely and struggling to deal with that pain. This is not a "you problem" really, because everyone has this problem. It's why relationships are hard. You have to work on becoming a person who can both deal with your own pain + someone else who is in pain, and you have to find a person who can work on dealing with their pain, so they don't make this project too hard for you-- otherwise it's not workable.

Just re-read the "brief spat" part you wrote and you will see exactly this happening. You're in pain, you struggle to manage it, this causes her pain, and she cannot manage yours and hers, so she causes you pain. Repeat.