KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,801
A few months ago on my 21st birthday, I was at the tube station leaning over the platform and debating whether or not I should jump. The station was practically empty with only my partner and one other person waiting for the train to arrive.
I leaned all the way over and kept my eyes fixed on the tunnel, no one else was paying attention, so it would have been quick and easy if I had just jumped down onto the tracks, but SI was holding me back.
In hindsight, I regret not jumping, now that things have managed to get even worse, and I know how impossible it is to get SN. I'd have to find a parcel collection service to pick it up from, if the order managed to clear customs, and I don't know of anything like that in my area.
I regret a lot of things. There is a person I knew that I had unknowingly met on the original SanctionedSuicide subreddit in late 2017/early 2018. We became friends a year later on another site, oblivious that we had known each other from SS.
Over time, we became very close mates and he said he had feelings for me. This individual is probably one of the few people I've ever met in my life who has truly understood me and what I am going through. We would have serious talks all night about music, ctb, philosophy, and anything under the sun. I stuck by him even when he had failed ctb attempts that devastated me greatly.
He confessed to me that he loved me, and I tossed and turned that sentiment over in my head for awhile. I'd been with my boyfriend for several months, and my friend knew this, as well as the fact that I have several disabilities and rely on my bf for a great deal of support. I went to my boyfriend and told him about it, that my friend had confessed to me, because my bf had seemed keen in the past about having multiple partners, but his thoughts weren't consistent.
He didn't seem to like it and went back and forth on it before becoming very upset that I had shared my true feelings. So, solemnly I told my friend that it was done, we would not be doing anything, and that I was very sorry, but that I wanted to stay in a monogamous relationship because I do love my bf, that he supports me and he does so much for me, even if he doesn't understand my pain.
This caused a falling out for awhile. It hurt to lose one of my closest friends and one of the few people who didn't treat me like I am insane for wanting to ctb. I am always feeling regret that we never got to meet and I am going to die without knowing him in person. His life seems to be improving though and I am glad he doesn't have to deal with a burden like me actively being in it.
I have many of these regrets. If I had known how disabled I would become, how useless I'd be now, I would have not gotten with my partner in the first place, went out into the night, and offed myself as nature intended it.
What do you regret?
I leaned all the way over and kept my eyes fixed on the tunnel, no one else was paying attention, so it would have been quick and easy if I had just jumped down onto the tracks, but SI was holding me back.
In hindsight, I regret not jumping, now that things have managed to get even worse, and I know how impossible it is to get SN. I'd have to find a parcel collection service to pick it up from, if the order managed to clear customs, and I don't know of anything like that in my area.
I regret a lot of things. There is a person I knew that I had unknowingly met on the original SanctionedSuicide subreddit in late 2017/early 2018. We became friends a year later on another site, oblivious that we had known each other from SS.
Over time, we became very close mates and he said he had feelings for me. This individual is probably one of the few people I've ever met in my life who has truly understood me and what I am going through. We would have serious talks all night about music, ctb, philosophy, and anything under the sun. I stuck by him even when he had failed ctb attempts that devastated me greatly.
He confessed to me that he loved me, and I tossed and turned that sentiment over in my head for awhile. I'd been with my boyfriend for several months, and my friend knew this, as well as the fact that I have several disabilities and rely on my bf for a great deal of support. I went to my boyfriend and told him about it, that my friend had confessed to me, because my bf had seemed keen in the past about having multiple partners, but his thoughts weren't consistent.
He didn't seem to like it and went back and forth on it before becoming very upset that I had shared my true feelings. So, solemnly I told my friend that it was done, we would not be doing anything, and that I was very sorry, but that I wanted to stay in a monogamous relationship because I do love my bf, that he supports me and he does so much for me, even if he doesn't understand my pain.
This caused a falling out for awhile. It hurt to lose one of my closest friends and one of the few people who didn't treat me like I am insane for wanting to ctb. I am always feeling regret that we never got to meet and I am going to die without knowing him in person. His life seems to be improving though and I am glad he doesn't have to deal with a burden like me actively being in it.
I have many of these regrets. If I had known how disabled I would become, how useless I'd be now, I would have not gotten with my partner in the first place, went out into the night, and offed myself as nature intended it.
What do you regret?
