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KuriGohan&Kamehameha

KuriGohan&Kamehameha

想死不能 - 想活不能
Nov 23, 2020
1,461
A few months ago on my 21st birthday, I was at the tube station leaning over the platform and debating whether or not I should jump. The station was practically empty with only my partner and one other person waiting for the train to arrive.

I leaned all the way over and kept my eyes fixed on the tunnel, no one else was paying attention, so it would have been quick and easy if I had just jumped down onto the tracks, but SI was holding me back.

In hindsight, I regret not jumping, now that things have managed to get even worse, and I know how impossible it is to get SN. I'd have to find a parcel collection service to pick it up from, if the order managed to clear customs, and I don't know of anything like that in my area.

I regret a lot of things. There is a person I knew that I had unknowingly met on the original SanctionedSuicide subreddit in late 2017/early 2018. We became friends a year later on another site, oblivious that we had known each other from SS.

Over time, we became very close mates and he said he had feelings for me. This individual is probably one of the few people I've ever met in my life who has truly understood me and what I am going through. We would have serious talks all night about music, ctb, philosophy, and anything under the sun. I stuck by him even when he had failed ctb attempts that devastated me greatly.

He confessed to me that he loved me, and I tossed and turned that sentiment over in my head for awhile. I'd been with my boyfriend for several months, and my friend knew this, as well as the fact that I have several disabilities and rely on my bf for a great deal of support. I went to my boyfriend and told him about it, that my friend had confessed to me, because my bf had seemed keen in the past about having multiple partners, but his thoughts weren't consistent.

He didn't seem to like it and went back and forth on it before becoming very upset that I had shared my true feelings. So, solemnly I told my friend that it was done, we would not be doing anything, and that I was very sorry, but that I wanted to stay in a monogamous relationship because I do love my bf, that he supports me and he does so much for me, even if he doesn't understand my pain.

This caused a falling out for awhile. It hurt to lose one of my closest friends and one of the few people who didn't treat me like I am insane for wanting to ctb. I am always feeling regret that we never got to meet and I am going to die without knowing him in person. His life seems to be improving though and I am glad he doesn't have to deal with a burden like me actively being in it.

I have many of these regrets. If I had known how disabled I would become, how useless I'd be now, I would have not gotten with my partner in the first place, went out into the night, and offed myself as nature intended it.

What do you regret?
 
W

WornOutLife

マット
Mar 22, 2020
7,165
Don't worry, we all have regrets.
My regrets are not being as productive as I should in my past. Life would be much better if I had made the right choices.
Instead, I became a depressed NEET in spite of having been a well-paid teacher and social guy who was kinda happy.
 
M

massiveblackhole

Student
Sep 4, 2020
102
Sorry to hear your story that's hard. I'm currently with a bf but i'm not convinced we're in love. I'm not convinced true love actually exists to be honest. I regret living a conventional life - going to uni, getting a boring job, not taking more risks, not going overseas to work. i feel like im too old now to start over (and going overseas not a good idea right now). my bf and i have a comfortable but boring life. it seems like we're together more out of convenience and "cant be bothered finding someone else". I like the song "Life for Rent" by Dido. It sums up how i feel
 
B

Bigpink

Warlock
Oct 12, 2020
704
Sorry to hear your story that's hard. I'm currently with a bf but i'm not convinced we're in love. I'm not convinced true love actually exists to be honest. I regret living a conventional life - going to uni, getting a boring job, not taking more risks, not going overseas to work. i feel like im too old now to start over (and going overseas not a good idea right now). my bf and i have a comfortable but boring life. it seems like we're together more out of convenience and "cant be bothered finding someone else". I like the song "Life for Rent" by Dido. It sums up how i feel
We do things that are easy, safe and convenient sometimes. I was with someone for a long time but it was probably killing me not being able to be myself. Like you it was comfortable and I wonder if I spent all that time with the wrong person.
 
M

massiveblackhole

Student
Sep 4, 2020
102
We do things that are easy, safe and convenient sometimes. I was with someone for a long time but it was probably killing me not being able to be myself. Like you it was comfortable and I wonder if I spent all that time with the wrong person.
what made you end the relationship and did you feel better after?
 
M

massiveblackhole

Student
Sep 4, 2020
102
It came to a natural end, too many variances. In some ways better that I'm free and can breathe, in other ways not as that person was a part of my reality for a long while and I'm adjusting.
i guess its natural to miss someone you've been with for that long but im happy to hear you feel free now.
 
M

massiveblackhole

Student
Sep 4, 2020
102
i honestly dont know. iv hinted to him he would be better off with someone else (he is into running, triathlons, cricket - stuff i find boring to be honest). i like dancing, yoga. he wants to stay in our country, id like to go overseas. neither of us seem to have the courage to go our own way though. i feel like im going to regret staying with him and choosing the boring easy comfortable option over taking a risk and travelling overseas solo.
 
B

Bigpink

Warlock
Oct 12, 2020
704
i honestly dont know. iv hinted to him he would be better off with someone else (he is into running, triathlons, cricket - stuff i find boring to be honest). i like dancing, yoga. he wants to stay in our country, id like to go overseas. neither of us seem to have the courage to go our own way though. i feel like im going to regret staying with him and choosing the boring easy comfortable option over taking a risk and travelling overseas solo.
It's difficult. Sounds as if you feel constrained in some way. There may be regrets further along and maybe some risk taking is appealing.
Must be some positive aspects to this though?
 
M

massiveblackhole

Student
Sep 4, 2020
102
It's difficult. Sounds as if you feel constrained in some way. There may be regrets further along and maybe some risk taking is appealing.
Must be some positive aspects to this though?
we havent been together that long only 2 years. we've both come from relationships where we werent treated well by our partners (not abuse or anything) so we are kind to eachother which is nice. we are compatible and get along and enjoy each others company but yea i do feel like maybe thats gonna get boring soon and il regret not having taken more risks.
 
KuriGohan&Kamehameha

KuriGohan&Kamehameha

想死不能 - 想活不能
Nov 23, 2020
1,461
Sorry to hear your story that's hard. I'm currently with a bf but i'm not convinced we're in love. I'm not convinced true love actually exists to be honest. I regret living a conventional life - going to uni, getting a boring job, not taking more risks, not going overseas to work. i feel like im too old now to start over (and going overseas not a good idea right now). my bf and i have a comfortable but boring life. it seems like we're together more out of convenience and "cant be bothered finding someone else". I like the song "Life for Rent" by Dido. It sums up how i feel
Try to have new experiences while you can, even if it isn't traveling the world, you deserve to partake in something that isn't monotonous or predictable, not having to live that molded sort of life.

I have similar feelings. I know deep down that I loved my friend, and still yearn for what could have been. I don't know if he would have been able to handle my disabilities without cracking under the stress, but I know in my heart that there will never be anyone else who is on the exact same wavelength as me, the way he was.

Don't get me wrong, I love my partner, and I care deeply for him, but I always wonder if both of us settled and I'm not his true match, and vice versa.
 
UiopQwerty

UiopQwerty

Mage
Dec 17, 2020
544
I regret that I couldnt be stronger in life. More responsable and supportive to my exwife for example. -_-
But I am going to do my best regarding CTB if and when it comes to that!
Responsible
 
M

massiveblackhole

Student
Sep 4, 2020
102
I regret trusting too easily.
Sorry to hear someone took advantage of your trust ☹️
Try to have new experiences while you can, even if it isn't traveling the world, you deserve to partake in something that isn't monotonous or predictable, not having to live that molded sort of life.

I have similar feelings. I know deep down that I loved my friend, and still yearn for what could have been. I don't know if he would have been able to handle my disabilities without cracking under the stress, but I know in my heart that there will never be anyone else who is on the exact same wavelength as me, the way he was.

Don't get me wrong, I love my partner, and I care deeply for him, but I always wonder if both of us settled and I'm not his true match, and vice versa.
Thanks for your advice. I wonder the same with my partner. He's very understanding of my suicidal depression but I feel like I'm dragging him down and he'd be better off without me but I'm not brave enough to let him go when he's been so steadfast supportive
 
Last edited:
NodusTollens

NodusTollens

Nov 17, 2020
989
I regret the first move I made.

I just needed room to breath, & to get away from a bad situation. Instead, things just got steadily worse as time passed.

Out of the frying pan & into the fire, unfortunately.
 

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