regret.

[cath55555]

I regret so much.

I feel like I don't go a single day without regretting something.... even multiple things.

right now? I'm regretting discarding my old "if I die" stuff. used to have a "funeral wishes" letter about how I'd ideally want people to dress, my favourite flowers, what songs to play etc. had a letter expressing what I wanted to pass on to each person in my life who I cared about (this was not a "proper" will, really, however I had a digital copy I was going to send out too to ensure everyone on there at least knew what they were meant to get in case of a fuck up with my own organisational skills). had a diary to document my worst times so that those I care for, or at least cared for then, could get a sense of closure or explanation or whatever they took from it.

andddddd I threw it all away! regretting that alot right now.

especially the diary.

still fucking wish I had that. I have lots I'd have liked the opportunity to add.

fyi. my favourite flowers are roses, but only in a very specific shade of light pink.

 

[takemenowpls]

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I can feel your sorrow from this. I know you can't get your stuff back at this point, is starting a new possible? Perhaps journaling and getting it on paper?

 

[cath55555]

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I can feel your sorrow from this. I know you can't get your stuff back at this point, is starting a new possible? Perhaps journaling and getting it on paper?

thank you for the kind words.

right now, I'm actually thinking of compiling the information again, updated to include the people in my life now (and also, to remove those who are no longer close).

it's not possible for me to put it on paper unfortunately; although my mother only lives with me "part time" so to speak, she is very invasive, and it's pretty much a given that she would find it- for example, she found my vent art book despite it literally being taped to the underside of a drawer of my underwear at ground level, where she wouldn't have seen it without properly searching... still not sure how she managed that one...

 

[jodes2]

I regret so much.

I feel like I don't go a single day without regretting something.... even multiple things.

right now? I'm regretting discarding my old "if I die" stuff. used to have a "funeral wishes" letter about how I'd ideally want people to dress, my favourite flowers, what songs to play etc. had a letter expressing what I wanted to pass on to each person in my life who I cared about (this was not a "proper" will, really, however I had a digital copy I was going to send out too to ensure everyone on there at least knew what they were meant to get in case of a fuck up with my own organisational skills). had a diary to document my worst times so that those I care for, or at least cared for then, could get a sense of closure or explanation or whatever they took from it.

andddddd I threw it all away! regretting that alot right now.

especially the diary.

still fucking wish I had that. I have lots I'd have liked the opportunity to add.

fyi. my favourite flowers are roses, but only in a very specific shade of light pink.

I threw away stuff I regret recently too. So depressing knowing I'll never get it back

 

[takemenowpls]

thank you for the kind words.

right now, I'm actually thinking of compiling the information again, updated to include the people in my life now (and also, to remove those who are no longer close).

it's not possible for me to put it on paper unfortunately; although my mother only lives with me "part time" so to speak, she is very invasive, and it's pretty much a given that she would find it- for example, she found my vent art book despite it literally being taped to the underside of a drawer of my underwear at ground level, where she wouldn't have seen it without properly searching... still not sure how she managed that one...

Omg! I hope you can at least rebuild your list and it gives you comfort.

 

[cath55555]

I threw away stuff I regret recently too. So depressing knowing I'll never get it back

it's so difficult. sorry to hear that you're going through a similar feeling; I wish I could offer more help, but when something is lost it's very difficult. I guess all I can offer is understanding.

Omg! I hope you can at least rebuild your list and it gives you comfort.

thank you. I think I'm going to do it fully digitally this time- or even store it in a locked box somewhere in my wardrobe. if I tell her it's money I'm saving/my bank statements/a financial record of some kind, she probably won't have the desire to look. (I hope.)

 

[jodes2]

so difficult. sorry to hear that you're going through a similar feeling; I wish I could offer more help, but when something is lost it's very difficult. I guess all I can offer is understanding.

Thank you hun <3

 

[whywere]

My heart broke in pieces when I read your post. I am so, so sorry for your heartache, as you are a soul with such a huge heart for others that you deserve only the best that life has to offer.

Sending you lots of huge hugs, smiles, the knowledge that you are a good friend to/for me, and an endless supply of sunny skies and beautiful sunrises and sunsets.

Lots of loving thoughts to you and stay well.

Walter

 

[cath55555]

My heart broke in pieces when I read your post. I am so, so sorry for your heartache, as you are a soul with such a huge heart for others that you deserve only the best that life has to offer.

Sending you lots of huge hugs, smiles, the knowledge that you are a good friend to/for me, and an endless supply of sunny skies and beautiful sunrises and sunsets.

Lots of loving thoughts to you and stay well.

Walter

thank you for your kindness- honestly, it means more than I think I could even explain right now. sending hugs and caring vibes your way; I hope that you have a good (or considering you're here on this forum, at least a *tolerable*) day.

 

[whywere]

thank you for your kindness- honestly, it means more than I think I could even explain right now. sending hugs and caring vibes your way; I hope that you have a good (or considering you're here on this forum, at least a *tolerable*) day.

Hi!
Thank you for the nice and thoughtful message, you really helped make my day so much brighter.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and your post really touched my heart as far as how kind and gracious you are, and I truly want the very best for you.

Yes, I have 24/7 chronic pain and massive depression BUT having folks, like you! here helps me each and every day to not only make it through the day but you made my heart sing with your beautiful message to me, just so wonderful.

I may be 66 years old, but I am young at heart, and I love everyone here and I am so honored to have you as a good friend.

Walter

 

[cath55555]

Hi!
Thank you for the nice and thoughtful message, you really helped make my day so much brighter.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and your post really touched my heart as far as how kind and gracious you are, and I truly want the very best for you.

Yes, I have 24/7 chronic pain and massive depression BUT having folks, like you! here helps me each and every day to not only make it through the day but you made my heart sing with your beautiful message to me, just so wonderful.

I may be 66 years old, but I am young at heart, and I love everyone here and I am so honored to have you as a good friend.

Walter

I'm so glad to hear that you've found a community where you feel safe and able to communicate yourself and your feelings to others :) I understand what it's like to feel alone, and I wouldn't wish that feeling upon anyone. I hope that you have a wonderful day Walter- you seem a kind soul, and you deserve to feel well. wishing you the best :)

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that for many people it can be awful to have regrets and wish that you did things differently. I'm sorry that you suffer. I wish you the best with what you are doing.

 

[cath55555]

I know that for many people it can be awful to have regrets and wish that you did things differently. I'm sorry that you suffer. I wish you the best with what you are doing.

thank you. I really appreciate your words :)

 

[Littlewittlelight]

I regret so much.

I feel like I don't go a single day without regretting something.... even multiple things.

right now? I'm regretting discarding my old "if I die" stuff. used to have a "funeral wishes" letter about how I'd ideally want people to dress, my favourite flowers, what songs to play etc. had a letter expressing what I wanted to pass on to each person in my life who I cared about (this was not a "proper" will, really, however I had a digital copy I was going to send out too to ensure everyone on there at least knew what they were meant to get in case of a fuck up with my own organisational skills). had a diary to document my worst times so that those I care for, or at least cared for then, could get a sense of closure or explanation or whatever they took from it.

andddddd I threw it all away! regretting that alot right now.

especially the diary.

still fucking wish I had that. I have lots I'd have liked the opportunity to add.

fyi. my favourite flowers are roses, but only in a very specific shade of light pink.

I lost my main Google account for some reason 4 months back and it was such an heart ache I even felt suicidal after it. I know it sounds ridiculous but before coming here I had ideations which weren't serious but it was like a big ache because it had everything from photos to games which would just keep me distracted somehow I managed to get most of the accounts I created by recovering else Google had already denied they don't help with it so I lived like that for a month and feels it really feels bad then I tore pages in my diary deleted messages that I was holding onto like a couple months back this isn't the only attempts or loss whenever it happens it feels bad but I get more used to it I am sorry I understand all I can say once you try to make them again and as time passes you would probably feel better. I can say because that account I had it for years and it wasn't the reason I got suicidal but it also fuelled me and enraged me whatever feeling you are having I am here to listen to you.
Sorry for all this I remember loosing my diary entries it just feels bad whenever you lose personal things I understand.

 

[cath55555]

I lost my main Google account for some reason 4 months back and it was such an heart ache I even felt suicidal after it. I know it sounds ridiculous but before coming here I had ideations which weren't serious but it was like a big ache because it had everything from photos to games which would just keep me distracted somehow I managed to get most of the accounts I created by recovering else Google had already denied they don't help with it so I lived like that for a month and feels it really feels bad then I tore pages in my diary deleted messages that I was holding onto like a couple months back this isn't the only attempts or loss whenever it happens it feels bad but I get more used to it I am sorry I understand all I can say once you try to make them again and as time passes you would probably feel better. I can say because that account I had it for years and it wasn't the reason I got suicidal but it also fuelled me and enraged me whatever feeling you are having I am here to listen to you.
Sorry for all this I remember loosing my diary entries it just feels bad whenever you lose personal things I understand.

it doesn't sound ridiculous at all- my last phone decided to literally give up one day out of the blue, wouldn't switch back on at all. I lost about 22 months worth of photos, messages, videos, etc that couldn't be recovered because I discovered the phone had also been failing to backup my files correctly. it stopped working about 2 years ago and I still feel sad or angry about it sometimes because there are people I don't really talk to anymore and college memories I literally cannot remake lost somewhere forever; irretrievable.

please don't apologise, either. I understand exactly where you're coming from unfortunately. I hope that it isn't too painful/angering for you to think of, and that if it is, you begin to heal a little. happy to listen any time :)

 

[Littlewittlelight]

it doesn't sound ridiculous at all- my last phone decided to literally give up one day out of the blue, wouldn't switch back on at all. I lost about 22 months worth of photos, messages, videos, etc that couldn't be recovered because I discovered the phone had also been failing to backup my files correctly. it stopped working about 2 years ago and I still feel sad or angry about it sometimes because there are people I don't really talk to anymore and college memories I literally cannot remake lost somewhere forever; irretrievable.

please don't apologise, either. I understand exactly where you're coming from unfortunately. I hope that it isn't too painful/angering for you to think of, and that if it is, you begin to heal a little. happy to listen any time :)

Really that's the worse thing my phone had some app and volume button malfunction because of which it switched off and wouldn't turn on until I performed factory data reset because of the same reason I lost files before and college photos, old memories really matter I would find myself looking at them I still do because I still am in college now I rarely but it feels safe to have them so I could just look at them anytime I can relate these are the worse things and it's a loss. I did heal and get more use to letting things go now I think which is actually a little helpful I don't do it intentionally but when I need to remove something I really can't or even people who are making me sad so I just pray it's a good thing for someone like me and thank you for understanding I can 100% relate to you.
Thanks it isn't painful anymore I got some of the things just some but it's okay I hope you too heal it would take some time until you replace them or make new things I can say since you have gone through it before you understand it better and there are other people atleast I know of myself who has told you about the similar situation I am in sometime now I try to keep things safe which you said about you would use electronic journals and things which would be better in future,
Little little light.

I threw away stuff I regret recently too. So depressing knowing I'll never get it back

I also told about my situation if you want to take a look you can I did create two replies in this thread and I said we would get depressed in both the cases whether it's intentionally removing thing or unintentionally loosing them because that's like grieving I hope you get better and the point I wanted to make was sometimes we need to remove things which are causing us pain and we just hold onto some people like me even hold onto chats from people and would look at that I am still the same person but more or less different so I feel I need to have some control I think that's something which is like what you did recently I am guessing since you did that intentionally and you are anticipating it because you were aware of it so let's give ourselves time to heal? I hope you feel better I am doing the same and also preparing for other things,
Little little light.

 

[cath55555]

Really that's the worse thing my phone had some app and volume button malfunction because of which it switched off and wouldn't turn on until I performed factory data reset because of the same reason I lost files before and college photos, old memories really matter I would find myself looking at them I still do because I still am in college now I rarely but it feels safe to have them so I could just look at them anytime I can relate these are the worse things and it's a loss. I did heal and get more use to letting things go now I think which is actually a little helpful I don't do it intentionally but when I need to remove something I really can't or even people who are making me sad so I just pray it's a good thing for someone like me and thank you for understanding I can 100% relate to you.
Thanks it isn't painful anymore I got some of the things just some but it's okay I hope you too heal it would take some time until you replace them or make new things I can say since you have gone through it before you understand it better and there are other people atleast I know of myself who has told you about the similar situation I am in sometime now I try to keep things safe which you said about you would use electronic journals and things which would be better in future,
Little little light.

it is a loss- I agree. for me, it's like I'm grieving over losing the memories because I know I was happier back then. it was when my mental health started to decline, so it wasn't perfect, but at the time I cherished those people and losing not only them but also any record that we were friends is a really harsh thing to come to terms with.

yeah, digital is the safest way for me with this living situation right now so I'm hoping I can compile information for people to look at when I'm gone. I guess the one good thing to come of this is that at least this info will be up to date. take care as best as you can, Little Little Light, and I hope your day is good or at least one you can cope with. -Cath

 

[Nolife62]

Couple years ago I walked away from over $15,000 worth of tools because I had plans to CTB but when the time came I couldn't pull the trigger.. I'm hoping SN will do the trick I'm waiting to get the courage.

 

[Hollowillow]

I regret so much.

I feel like I don't go a single day without regretting something.... even multiple things.

right now? I'm regretting discarding my old "if I die" stuff. used to have a "funeral wishes" letter about how I'd ideally want people to dress, my favourite flowers, what songs to play etc. had a letter expressing what I wanted to pass on to each person in my life who I cared about (this was not a "proper" will, really, however I had a digital copy I was going to send out too to ensure everyone on there at least knew what they were meant to get in case of a fuck up with my own organisational skills). had a diary to document my worst times so that those I care for, or at least cared for then, could get a sense of closure or explanation or whatever they took from it.

andddddd I threw it all away! regretting that alot right now.

especially the diary.

still fucking wish I had that. I have lots I'd have liked the opportunity to add.

fyi. my favourite flowers are roses, but only in a very specific shade of light pink.

That can be redone... I regret my entire life...

 

[Littlewittlelight]

it is a loss- I agree. for me, it's like I'm grieving over losing the memories because I know I was happier back then. it was when my mental health started to decline, so it wasn't perfect, but at the time I cherished those people and losing not only them but also any record that we were friends is a really harsh thing to come to terms with.

yeah, digital is the safest way for me with this living situation right now so I'm hoping I can compile information for people to look at when I'm gone. I guess the one good thing to come of this is that at least this info will be up to date. take care as best as you can, Little Little Light, and I hope your day is good or at least one you can cope with. -Cath

Thank you Cath appreciate you people I wish you the same I wish all our days are better or atleast fine.