freedompass
Warlock
- Jan 27, 2021
- 768
We've drawn closer lately than since I was a teen and we were best friends. The daily phone conversations have been much less of a chore and often run to an hour or more.
Today I even shared that I have, let's just say, no attachment to life whatsoever. We'd been discussing my son. I pointed out that it didn't make a lot of sense to procreate while finding life pointless, painful and unrewarding. Especially given that my son has had significantly less advantages than I did. It is what it fucking is, I didn't even really get a choice in the matter. Long psychotic episodes destroy the ability to make an informed decision about anything.
I know. I'm a piece of shit, that goes without saying, it's cool. I must have made my son feel like he shouldn't even be here. At the very least he knows he was an accident. There is no dad. I literally don't even know who it was. I ask you though in fairness. Can you teach a lesson you never learned yourself? Can I frankly dislike or even detest my existence yet imbue my son with a zest for life, confidence and self esteem?
But I digress. My mum is 90. Her knees barely support her anymore at times. She could have a fall any time. Her mental state is already not the best. She gets confused, can't retain information and repeats herself all the time. She also definitely feels depressed, even contemplates ctb at times. Never ever when younger did I know her to suffer depression, psychosis or anything like that. My son who lives in her house frankly leeching off her really doesn't help. I can't even have him live with me and he knows it. Way too triggering.
So on the plus side. It's a wonderful thing to have these long phone calls while we still can. It's scary watching her become more frail and not knowing how the final endgame will be. Will she be in hospital? In pain? A care home at the mercy of strangers? Does she need to fall and lie there for hours helpless and alone before the necessary safeguards are put in place (and she stops trying to do too much)? Is this the goddamn 'rite of passage' we can expect?
It's such a shitshow that it's actually laughable. Absurd. And we tormented unquiet souls of SS continue to writhe in agony. Because by definition we are in limbo, no? Unable to reconcile ourselves with peace of mind and contentment till 'natural causes' take us. Unable to fly in the face of our own brute instinct to survive.
So yeah. I guess this 'rite of passage', assisting and comforting an elderly parent approaching the end, does stir up a lot of emotion, thought and contemplation. It's not all doom and gloom. We have laughs, share stories, memories. When she's no more? She'll be taking a big part of me with her. That shared stuff dies with her. I have a brother. We've never been close, perhaps if I make an effort we can communicate more. I'm certain that mum dying will change the whole family dynamic. Such as it is. Whether my son wants to remain estranged and shun me is up to him. I can't and don't blame him in any way.
Today I even shared that I have, let's just say, no attachment to life whatsoever. We'd been discussing my son. I pointed out that it didn't make a lot of sense to procreate while finding life pointless, painful and unrewarding. Especially given that my son has had significantly less advantages than I did. It is what it fucking is, I didn't even really get a choice in the matter. Long psychotic episodes destroy the ability to make an informed decision about anything.
I know. I'm a piece of shit, that goes without saying, it's cool. I must have made my son feel like he shouldn't even be here. At the very least he knows he was an accident. There is no dad. I literally don't even know who it was. I ask you though in fairness. Can you teach a lesson you never learned yourself? Can I frankly dislike or even detest my existence yet imbue my son with a zest for life, confidence and self esteem?
But I digress. My mum is 90. Her knees barely support her anymore at times. She could have a fall any time. Her mental state is already not the best. She gets confused, can't retain information and repeats herself all the time. She also definitely feels depressed, even contemplates ctb at times. Never ever when younger did I know her to suffer depression, psychosis or anything like that. My son who lives in her house frankly leeching off her really doesn't help. I can't even have him live with me and he knows it. Way too triggering.
So on the plus side. It's a wonderful thing to have these long phone calls while we still can. It's scary watching her become more frail and not knowing how the final endgame will be. Will she be in hospital? In pain? A care home at the mercy of strangers? Does she need to fall and lie there for hours helpless and alone before the necessary safeguards are put in place (and she stops trying to do too much)? Is this the goddamn 'rite of passage' we can expect?
It's such a shitshow that it's actually laughable. Absurd. And we tormented unquiet souls of SS continue to writhe in agony. Because by definition we are in limbo, no? Unable to reconcile ourselves with peace of mind and contentment till 'natural causes' take us. Unable to fly in the face of our own brute instinct to survive.
So yeah. I guess this 'rite of passage', assisting and comforting an elderly parent approaching the end, does stir up a lot of emotion, thought and contemplation. It's not all doom and gloom. We have laughs, share stories, memories. When she's no more? She'll be taking a big part of me with her. That shared stuff dies with her. I have a brother. We've never been close, perhaps if I make an effort we can communicate more. I'm certain that mum dying will change the whole family dynamic. Such as it is. Whether my son wants to remain estranged and shun me is up to him. I can't and don't blame him in any way.
