Story Reflection on failed method (Cutting)

[Pentobarbital_Plz]

I can't believe I did it.

I don't remember even feeling it.

Was I experiencing psychosis?

I walked into the bathroom attached to my dorm-style apartment room. Just walked in, grabbed a pink razor, broke the top off, and bent the plastic until the blade was exposed. Knelt in front of the toilet and put the seat up like I was preparing to vomit. Held my left arm over the bowl…

And just like that, I was tearing into my flesh. Deep. I don't remember it hurting…it wasn't difficult.

Just like that, my entire forearm was open.

Blood started to run into the toilet bowl. I quickly jumped into the tub and flicked on the hot shower. The blood continued to run from the open wound. It mixed with the water from the shower and gradually, the tub began to fill. I could see the tendons or whatever moving in my arm. It wasn't scary. Just gross. Like ew I'm alive and there's all this stuff inside of me, moving, and..blegh. The bath smelled metallic.

I tried to lay in a fetal position and let the bath fill up around me. SI! I couldn't stay underwater. I tried to breathe my own blood-bath…Idk. I think I just swallowed some. I pathetically gasped for air. I flung my head back against the faucet a few times (I've banged my head HARD sooooo many times in my life. Idk where that sweet spot they always instantly find in the movies is. I ain't ever passed out from it..tsk tsk…)

I tried sitting back in the tub and waiting. PANIC! "Dear God, please don't let me go to Hell!" "Oh my god, I'm gonna DIE!" "HELP ME!!!" It all just came out…

I couldn't do it. Like a zombie, I stood and grabbed the towel thrown over the door and wrapped it loosely around my arm. I laid in bed and dialed 911.

"What is your emergency?"
"I cut my arm." They instructed me to cover and stop the bleeding. Blahblah. I was about to be whisked away in an ambulance and hospitalized again. Oh boy…

I was on my bedroom floor trying to clasp a bra when the emergency team barged in the apartment door. They still asked if I was decent before entering my room.

At the emergency floor, some doctor guy unwrapped the bandages—blood still dripping—and quite simply stapled my arm shut.

THAT was when I felt the pain. 24 staples…OUCH!

I spent a little over a month in a psych ward.

While in there, a hazmat team cleaned the "scene" and a detective investigated until they were able to locate me as being in hospital.

Since all that, my apartment complex kicked me out. I moved in with my parents and sister.

I have a gnarly scar on my forearm that itches and sometimes kinda stings a little. It's about a cm thick and 7-8 inches long.

And that's it.

I'm still here! Woo-hoo!

I had thought about doing that cut for years and then I just impulsively did it and didn't feel it and it was easy but I feel pathetic…

Like, shit! I can't do that again…

Why didn't I just wait longer? Eventually, SOMETHING would've happened, right?
It seems so impossible to die…

Idk…I wish I had N. I wish everyone had N.

I've been doing a lot of research and SN is becoming more and more appealing…but idkkkk.

I really don't understand why we're all just fuckin' alive and how I'm supposed to be grateful. Why should I want any of this dumb ass world we created? It's really not that interesting or cool. Like why is all this shit REAL and WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP MAKING MORE PEOPLE????

 

[jodes2]

If you can cut yourself like that and not feel pain, I think you'd breeze right through SN. Sorry you hurt yourself like that! I wish we all had N, too.

I don't know why people keep making more people. They enjoy life, I suppose. It's just shit. Can't enjoy anything.

 

[A simple aid]

I can't believe I did it.

I don't remember even feeling it.

Was I experiencing psychosis?

I walked into the bathroom attached to my dorm-style apartment room. Just walked in, grabbed a pink razor, broke the top off, and bent the plastic until the blade was exposed. Knelt in front of the toilet and put the seat up like I was preparing to vomit. Held my left arm over the bowl…

And just like that, I was tearing into my flesh. Deep. I don't remember it hurting…it wasn't difficult.

Just like that, my entire forearm was open.

Blood started to run into the toilet bowl. I quickly jumped into the tub and flicked on the hot shower. The blood continued to run from the open wound. It mixed with the water from the shower and gradually, the tub began to fill. I could see the tendons or whatever moving in my arm. It wasn't scary. Just gross. Like ew I'm alive and there's all this stuff inside of me, moving, and..blegh. The bath smelled metallic.

I tried to lay in a fetal position and let the bath fill up around me. SI! I couldn't stay underwater. I tried to breathe my own blood-bath…Idk. I think I just swallowed some. I pathetically gasped for air. I flung my head back against the faucet a few times (I've banged my head HARD sooooo many times in my life. Idk where that sweet spot they always instantly find in the movies is. I ain't ever passed out from it..tsk tsk…)

I tried sitting back in the tub and waiting. PANIC! "Dear God, please don't let me go to Hell!" "Oh my god, I'm gonna DIE!" "HELP ME!!!" It all just came out…

I couldn't do it. Like a zombie, I stood and grabbed the towel thrown over the door and wrapped it loosely around my arm. I laid in bed and dialed 911.

"What is your emergency?"
"I cut my arm." They instructed me to cover and stop the bleeding. Blahblah. I was about to be whisked away in an ambulance and hospitalized again. Oh boy…

I was on my bedroom floor trying to clasp a bra when the emergency team barged in the apartment door. They still asked if I was decent before entering my room.

At the emergency floor, some doctor guy unwrapped the bandages—blood still dripping—and quite simply stapled my arm shut.

THAT was when I felt the pain. 24 staples…OUCH!

I spent a little over a month in a psych ward.

While in there, a hazmat team cleaned the "scene" and a detective investigated until they were able to locate me as being in hospital.

Since all that, my apartment complex kicked me out. I moved in with my parents and sister.

I have a gnarly scar on my forearm that itches and sometimes kinda stings a little. It's about a cm thick and 7-8 inches long.

And that's it.

I'm still here! Woo-hoo!

I had thought about doing that cut for years and then I just impulsively did it and didn't feel it and it was easy but I feel pathetic…

Like, shit! I can't do that again…

Why didn't I just wait longer? Eventually, SOMETHING would've happened, right?
It seems so impossible to die…

Idk…I wish I had N. I wish everyone had N.

I've been doing a lot of research and SN is becoming more and more appealing…but idkkkk.

I really don't understand why we're all just fuckin' alive and how I'm supposed to be grateful. Why should I want any of this dumb ass world we created? It's really not that interesting or cool. Like why is all this shit REAL and WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP MAKING MORE PEOPLE????

pls read this post im sure some of it might appeal to you https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...ative-before-the-seemingly-inevitable.103082/

If you can cut yourself like that and not feel pain, I think you'd breeze right through SN. Sorry you hurt yourself like that! I wish we all had N, too.

I don't know why people keep making more people. They enjoy life, I suppose. It's just shit. Can't enjoy anything.

are you like me....as in you dont feel pleasure...or you mean like nothing is pleasurable like everything is dulled by pain ...loss and stuff

 

[FuneralCry]

Cutting certainly does sound like an unreliable and risky method to me, certainly not recommended for successful ctb from what I've read. Of course I also wish for N, I hate how it can be this difficult to die and how we are denied the option of a peaceful exit. We really do live in such a pro suffering society and I believe that those who die are very lucky. But yes, I view life as being such a terrible and unnecessary concept and those who wish to bring more life here are selfish and deluded. There is no benefit to bringing life here, creating life is just creating more suffering and problems all for the sake of it, in which there was never a need for in the first place.