U
Unending
Enlightened
- Nov 5, 2022
- 1,517
So it has been quite a while since I've posted and of course it would be a type of vent or ramble post as it always is for me. My brain has gone easy on me for nearly a month but of course good things never seem to last forever and here I am finding myself browsing SaSu a bit more regularly. It always goes like this. The long unpleasant stretch of feeling my symptoms reach what I consider to be peak severity finally subsides but I've been through it enough times to know that I realistically have days to weeks to make the most of it before I'm beaten again. I'd like to think I've made the most of it this time but fear that it's going to get really bad again soon. Let's hope not. I've been having pretty severe fits of anger and just feel so abused by the world. Like a prisoner whose captors preach love and care for the vulnerable, all the while trapping them in a horror house.
I haven't fully sunk back into the worst of what my mind has to offer but have only experienced helplessness in the past in which nothing seemed to be able to mitigate. Over the course of several ups and downs (the downs are always FAR longer than the ups) I have tried to be observant and strategic to the best of my ability in regards to how I deal with things. Of course it hasn't worked out for me and just leaves me feeling like a helpless little child stuck in a shit abusive situation, except I've come to the conclusion that life is the shit abusive situation in my case. Not a big fan of the concept. That being said, I don't WANT to ctb. I WANT to stop being tortured by nearly ANY means necessary, and I'm very scared that there is more severe psychological torture on the horizon. Anyway, fuck my life. I have really been struggling lately, although not as bad as it has been, but there is really something to be said for doing relatively better for a while and then plummeting. It hits worse when you haven't felt the pain in a while.
Yeah, I mean it's as if all positive sensation has been eliminated and now the negative sensation is the only stimulus that my brain receives.
I haven't fully sunk back into the worst of what my mind has to offer but have only experienced helplessness in the past in which nothing seemed to be able to mitigate. Over the course of several ups and downs (the downs are always FAR longer than the ups) I have tried to be observant and strategic to the best of my ability in regards to how I deal with things. Of course it hasn't worked out for me and just leaves me feeling like a helpless little child stuck in a shit abusive situation, except I've come to the conclusion that life is the shit abusive situation in my case. Not a big fan of the concept. That being said, I don't WANT to ctb. I WANT to stop being tortured by nearly ANY means necessary, and I'm very scared that there is more severe psychological torture on the horizon. Anyway, fuck my life. I have really been struggling lately, although not as bad as it has been, but there is really something to be said for doing relatively better for a while and then plummeting. It hits worse when you haven't felt the pain in a while.
Yeah, I mean it's as if all positive sensation has been eliminated and now the negative sensation is the only stimulus that my brain receives.
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