Help Reducing Suspicion?

[Ame]

I have always been hesitant about asking for advice but the guilt and frustration that I have been feeling are enough for me to push through. Since my significant other committed suicide (a little more than a week ago) I've been visibly distraught. My family is concerned (and rightfully so) that I will harm myself and while they haven't taken me to hospital, they insist that I not be left alone. I still live with my family and I am being made to sleep in my sister's room. I also cannot leave my home unless I am accompanied by someone my parents trust. I was wondering how to properly mask my feelings so as to assuage the concerns of my family and regain some freedoms. The sooner I can move about freely, the sooner I get on with my plans for ctbing. I feel badly for burdening them. Constantly worrying that your loved one is in imminent danger is draining (my father hardly sleeps) and I know that my current state has not been pleasant to see either. I want to offer them some calm before the end but I don't want to raise suspicions by suddenly appearing too peaceful.

This will certainly prove to be quite the balancing act, although I am not sure about how to proceed. Any advice would be appreciated.

As a final note, it is worth mentioning that my desire to die is not driven by impulse because of my loss. I have struggled with debilitating mental illness for many years and have been actively suicidal for a while.

 

[PeacefulStars]

Time has been more beneficial than anything in terms of bringing suspicion down fastest for me unfortunately. After my father passed, a high amount of suspicion was on me for many weeks for how I was taking it/acting/how I was wording things. But now that a few months have passed those people have that focus now shifted on other, more important things leaving it much more breathable for me in terms of plan making/testing. This for me as well is not spur of the moment; i've always been right there for many years, it just needed that push off the edge. I wish you the best.

 

[Ame]

Time has been more beneficial than anything in terms of bringing suspicion down fastest for me unfortunately. After my father passed, a high amount of suspicion was on me for many weeks for how I was taking it/acting/how I was wording things. But now that a few months have passed those people have that focus now shifted on other, more important things leaving it much more breathable for me in terms of plan making/testing. This for me as well is not spur of the moment; i've always been right there for many years, it just needed that push off the edge. I wish you the best.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this thread and leave a reply. I am terribly sorry for the loss of your father and for all of the pain that you have endured over the years. I wish you all the best and hope that you can find it in yourself to treat yourself with kindness and compassion. I was afraid that it would be a question of letting time do its thing. I guess that a sudden uptick in my mood and energy levels would be more of a red flag. It's difficult. Thank you again.

 

[PeacefulStars]

Of course; I deeply sympathize with the loss of your significant other as well. I couldn't help but see some similarities of what we are independently going through to comment, it is always incredibly difficult I very much agree. May we both find the peace we wish for; and I wish you well. Kindness and compassion on others is something I can do but for myself I never seem to be able to commit to; Your words are appreciated.

 

[wordsonscreen]

I agree with PeacefulStars. I'll also add that doing "healthy" things can help. My mom has had suspicions lately- she is correct and I feel like shit lying to her. But I must. I just try to be normal and connect with her and call her often so she worries less. It fucking sucks, frankly. I'm not okay with lying. It takes a lot of energy and feels unethical to me. It takes too much work to mask feelings. I wish I could just be honest. I try to limit my time with family and friends and try to censor a lot during our time together. I'm starting to slip now so I need to be more careful :/ I'm not sure I have any advice for you except to just share my experience. I struggle with this as well- however, I have my own home so it is a bit "easier" I guess. It is a balancing act and makes me feel like some sort of criminal when all I need is... not this.

I am so sorry to hear that your partner passed. I cannot imagine what you are going through! Sending you so much love and strength. Please pm me if you want to talk more <3 I will listen and help as much as I can.

 

[Ame]

I agree with PeacefulStars. I'll also add that doing "healthy" things can help. My mom has had suspicions lately- she is correct and I feel like shit lying to her. But I must. I just try to be normal and connect with her and call her often so she worries less. It fucking sucks, frankly. I'm not okay with lying. It takes a lot of energy and feels unethical to me. It takes too much work to mask feelings. I wish I could just be honest. I try to limit my time with family and friends and try to censor a lot during our time together. I'm starting to slip now so I need to be more careful :/ I'm not sure I have any advice for you except to just share my experience. I struggle with this as well- however, I have my own home so it is a bit "easier" I guess. It is a balancing act and makes me feel like some sort of criminal when all I need is... not this.

I am so sorry to hear that your partner passed. I cannot imagine what you are going through! Sending you so much love and strength. Please pm me if you want to talk more <3 I will listen and help as much as I can.

Thank you for your input and heartfelt condolences, Sunbug, both are very much appreciated. I agree, lying is the worst and I am sorry that we feel the need to lie to those who care for us the most. I don't know very much about your situation and haven't had the chance to read too many of your posts around the forum, but I imagine that the pain you feel is great. It was kind of you to share your experiences with me and to offer a sympathetic ear. I am sending positive thoughts your way. Please do take good care of yourself.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Thank you for your input and heartfelt condolences, Sunbug, both are very much appreciated. I agree, lying is the worst and I am sorry that we feel the need to lie to those who care for us the most. I don't know very much about your situation and haven't had the chance to read too many of your posts around the forum, but I imagine that the pain you feel is great. It was kind of you to share your experiences with me and to offer a sympathetic ear. I am sending positive thoughts your way. Please do take good care of yourself.

Of course, Ame! Please let us know if we can help in any way. You are supported and loved. Please you take care as well <3