Recovery while still in the dark?

[Life_and_Death]

is it even possible to recover while youre still be hounded by trauma/abuse?

the sad part for me is that i find it difficult to connect the wires between whats happening and trauma. its just so...normal to me..it doesnt have that same gut wrenching feeling... but that doesnt change the fact that i dont want it. that my boundaries are being severely crossed.. 2 months.. i havent started it.. i never started it. he started it, every time. he did it.. and theres nothing i can do. i wish there was another place to sleep... id rather sleep there... but there isnt...

i was suppose to get a new psych, MH services called...but i havent called back...
i want to...but for what? i dont get along with people, its just going to be more not listening bs. for pills i...wont take? i still barely take my buspar.. i want to..but its mentally exhausting...and if i am going to get another medication i refuse for it to be something with extreme, lifelong effects, addictive or anything like that. i dont want it to mentally make me different, i want it to ease the symptoms. if im going to "get better" than im going to do it under my own power, not because some medication made me too numb to care/notice?
i want to.....but why bother?

i was suppose to get my paperwork for disability... but i really dont want to.... thats so emotionally and mentally demoralizing go fuck yourself. but saving that money is probably my only way out of here and even then..is it.. i highly doubt its going to be enough to survive on my own. i wont just magically be better enough to take care o myself if i were to move out so the chances of finding another source of income to top it off is highly unlikely, i cant talk my bf into moving in with me to top off the money (f'en rich people...well richer than me people). him "oh but you can buy your own stuff, wouldnt that feel better?" im not a materialistic person, id literally be happy living under a bridge with absolutely nothing as long as i had you. and buy my own stuff? yeah... not saving money, thats gonna get me out of here.
i just dont want it...it hurts more than its useful....

i can keeping working on the mental aspect on my own like i have been. but while im still living here???....... everything is so mentally and physically exhausting....i feel like im going to pass out from exhaustion from just breathing...







and im getting really sick of positivity bs.. "oh, at least you have a house to live in and food to eat"...oh.. you mean the house im getting r*ped in? i should feel privileged for that??? youre the fucking privileged prick for not having a fucking idea!!! no having a house isnt a fucking privilege. having a home is and people need to learn the difference... (and if you want to argue with me about it, id like to point out that what one considers a home is subjective and doesnt have to be a house. and yes, id rather have a home instead of a house. at least in a home, you feel safe and loved... you can feel perfectly fine without four walls. we lived without them before, a house is just modernized bs.)

 

[carac]

I don't know much about dealing with trauma and abuse. I guess in an ideal world we would all get a Robin Williams therapist who tells us it's not out fault and then we break down and cry on their shoulder and after that everything is all right.

I think a lot of people just need care, love and support, something which sadly seems to be lacking in this world. I am sure there are people that have recovered or are at least managing to get by. I watched a program once about a lady who was working on confronting her abuser as a kind of restorative justice so I think there are things you can do. Being in a support group with other victims where you can share your story and be heard can also be helpful.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i was suppose to get a new psych, MH services called...but i havent called back...
i want to...but for what? i dont get along with people, its just going to be more not listening bs. for pills i...wont take? i still barely take my buspar.. i want to..but its mentally exhausting...and if i am going to get another medication i refuse for it to be something with extreme, lifelong effects, addictive or anything like that. i dont want it to mentally make me different, i want it to ease the symptoms. if im going to "get better" than im going to do it under my own power, not because some medication made me too numb to care/notice?
i want to.....but why bother?

i have until feb 1st......thoughts?

 

[UsagiDrop]

First of all, I'm really sorry that you're going through something so dark and hard. I'm not here to argue with you. It's true that a house you are being abused in is simply a house with four walls, not a home. You don't deserve people hurting you in a place where you are supposed to feel safe and protected. That is just so wrong, on so many levels, and I wish you didn't have to experience that.

Recovery is possible even when you're at your worst. It just takes a lot of work to get there and it seems impossible while you are doing it. I'm not healed or recovered by any means but I have taken some steps towards recovery. I did the work of finding a professional, and eventually found one who diagnosed me and prescribed meds that worked. There are meds that won't lobotomize you and ways to recover even without medication. You can try to remedy your symptoms with new habits, a different mindset, stress management skills and therapeutic actions instead of medication. You can even do both, but unfortunately, it takes a MH professional that cares to even honor such a simple request, and finding them is hard.

I stopped doing that when my family discouraged it. Rotted in that house with them and on the same microscopic island as my abusers for years and years before I moved. It's impossible to work on your mental health in the same place that poisons it, and a lot of things that made me feel horrible and like I wanted to die have lessened with distance. Nobody here wants to hear this because it's toxic positivity but it is possible for things to get better with time. But just like when you are choosing to die and executing your own suicide, it takes bravery and strength. If it were easy to end our own suffering in either direction, then none of us would suffer. We'd have all either succeeded on our first tries, or we would just be happy right now.

With that being said, you have to ask yourself if you want to recover. If you don't think it's worth it then you will approach therapy or any other method that can help with the preconception that it will be for nothing, and you'll be less ready to put in the work or allow something to help you. It is a dehumanizing and demoralizing experience trying to get help, because society really does not care for us when we are losing our minds. But it is worth it, and we have to want it. Our desire to recover has to be stronger than anything the process can put us through, because that is the only way to persevere. To me, it is always worth it to try, and you always owe it to yourself to at least exhaust some of your options before making any permanent decisions. Especially if you have a desire to heal and live a different life. That part of you that wants to live deserves the chance. You can do it, but it will be one of the most difficult things you will do.

I've never heard of someone that regretted seeing the view of a mountain they climbed, for example, or someone that hated the feeling they got after running a marathon. But I have heard them say the process is miserable. It's only the destination that's worth it and we have to be tough to get there.

Seeing as this is the recovery section, I want to encourage you to reach out to that new professional. If it doesn't work out, at least you can say that you tried. But if it helps even a little, then that will be worthwhile, don't you think? It is an unnecessarily annoying and unfair process, but if you can get the benefits and save up for a better and safer future away from your abusers, then I would try to do that as well.

I also agree that a support group for rape or domestic violence victims and survivors might be a wonderful place for you. They will have resources for you to consider if you need to escape a bad situation, and the support that people who understand your specific situation can offer is invaluable. Is it possible for you to look into anything like that and attend them without your family knowing, maybe? It would be a good step in recovery.

Again, though, if you personally think it won't be worth it, then it won't be. The decision on what to do with your life is in your hands. I believe that there is a life better for you out there somewhere, and you deserve it. Just because you're not on the streets doesn't mean that life is good and that you're not in pain. Your pain is real and valid, and it deserves to be addressed. No matter what you decide, I hope you can find a way out of the situation that you are in. Maybe you will even start to feel better when you're out of it.