Recovery is possible

[drearybreadd]

Ok so I haven't been on here in months, probably almost a year. But anyways, last September I attempted ctb after many, many months maybe over a year of such severe depression that I couldn't feel much at all except emptiness, despair, and euphoria from harmful coping mechanisms- I stopped caring who I would hurt and what might happen after my death because honestly nothing concerned me other than the death I yearned for for so long. I knew people would miss me and be upset but I definitely severely underestimated how much it might impact people. Obviously that didn't work out, if anyone's curious I attempted inert gas but the concentration was not high enough. I am so grateful that it was an impulsive thoughtless decision because if I had properly planned out (in fact I had, but during my impulse decision I lacked the materials) I am certain I would have been successful. Anyways a lot has changed since then. I'm still perplexed at what happened but depression was poof- gone after a couple months later which was really strange (yes I've considered bipolar disorder which a direct family member of mine has been prescribed BP medication but I'm not sure about their diagnosis, but I don't exhibit any other symptoms so far and don't have much memories of my emotional experience before this depressive episode to observe patterns) Life was so beautiful again all of a sudden. And everything felt so surreal. Like I had woken up from a nightmare. I attribute this to a combination of factors. I believe my depression was a result of repressed trauma and emotions from years of emotional trauma since childhood. And as depression sets in even if it's mild at first, I guess most of us know you dig yourself into a deeper and deeper hole of depressive philosophy and delusion with seemingly sensible answers for why you can't talk to anyone and why you must die. How they want to control you and change you. That's what I felt. I was so, so afraid that I would be sent to an institution, that psychologists would change me and control me with therapies and medications and really I wanted to stay in my depressive hole of comfort with a certain end. But I attribute my recovery to a combination of factors. Although I was so depressed I was high functioning, so I continued to live my normal life because that was how badly I wanted to hide my depression which very ironically helped me very smoothly recover. I continued to work hard in school and talk to friends and exercise. I started journaling at some point because I was so confused about my past and my emotions that I needed to write so I wouldn't forget. I wrote so so much. I just typed and typed paragraphs of thoughts in notes and I wrote poems of how I felt and I wrote poems about suicide and about my complex feelings and relationships (lmk if you want to see that bc I can't quite share with people in my personal life). It really helped me organize and deal with complex issues that I never understood before. I also started playing piano and I honestly don't even know why I did but it was something to take up the time. So yeah, been about a year and less than a year since recovery which is obviously still happening. Honestly I don't know what kind of support I can give anyone so thanks for reading and reply with any questions or stuff. Happy to be alive I guess, just want to live a normal life.