666razorblade
bleeding euphoria
- Jul 7, 2023
- 26
Like the title says, recovery is hard... I want to recover, I want to live a "normal" life, I want to have the peace with life that other people seem to have. Nobody likes every aspect of life, but most humans can seem to make peace with the parts they hate, and move on. A lot of us here, I suspect, can't relate - myself included in that.
I've tried recovering in the past, to no avail. I was trying to recover before I ever even found out about SS. The thing for me, that makes recovery so difficult, is that nobody listens. Nobody seems to care, or listen, when you're begging for help, no matter how much I ask, they don't care.
I signed up for therapy back in November. I told them I'm suicidal and a daily cutter. They put me on the waiting list, and I haven't heard back since. I went to the doctor, and told him I'm suicidal, and showed him my scars. He gave me a small dose of antidepressants, and they didn't work. I went back to the doctor, and told him that they were making me feel no better, and to some degree even worse. He gave me another course of the same medication, at the same dosage, and told me to wait for 8 more weeks (on top of the 6 I'd been taking them for), to see if they would work later. I thought about saying, "I won't be here in 8 more weeks at this rate", but I reluctantly kept my mouth shut.
It's been 2 weeks since then. This week I'm going to phone the therapy people again, and tell them that I'm still suicidal, and still cutting. I've posted about this before but sometimes, I feel like purposely failing a suicide attempt just as a final cry for help, since nothing else seems to work.
I phoned the samaritans, and to their credit, the very kind and patient lady on the phone changed my mind on a lethal overdose I was about to impulsively take during a breakdown, but since then everything has gotten worse.
People keep telling me to seek help, but my god am I trying. I don't know what else people want me to do. I've tried to get therapy, I've tried seeing different doctors, I've been on different antidepressants. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Still, as much as I thought about finally dying a lot this week, I'm going to try my best to recover still.
Yesterday I drank too much, and threw up for an hour straight, in a desperate attempt to either cope with my feelings or die, but in a way I think it made me want to turn to recovery again more than death. Because of my depression I can't hold down a job (and I'm struggling to eat anymore), can't get into relationships, can't keep friendships, feel like a disgusting burden on my family, etc etc.
I hope this time will be the time I can make recovery happen. Best of luck to anyone else who is trying to recover. I'm trying to do it for my dog. Nothing else is more important to me than her ...
I've tried recovering in the past, to no avail. I was trying to recover before I ever even found out about SS. The thing for me, that makes recovery so difficult, is that nobody listens. Nobody seems to care, or listen, when you're begging for help, no matter how much I ask, they don't care.
I signed up for therapy back in November. I told them I'm suicidal and a daily cutter. They put me on the waiting list, and I haven't heard back since. I went to the doctor, and told him I'm suicidal, and showed him my scars. He gave me a small dose of antidepressants, and they didn't work. I went back to the doctor, and told him that they were making me feel no better, and to some degree even worse. He gave me another course of the same medication, at the same dosage, and told me to wait for 8 more weeks (on top of the 6 I'd been taking them for), to see if they would work later. I thought about saying, "I won't be here in 8 more weeks at this rate", but I reluctantly kept my mouth shut.
It's been 2 weeks since then. This week I'm going to phone the therapy people again, and tell them that I'm still suicidal, and still cutting. I've posted about this before but sometimes, I feel like purposely failing a suicide attempt just as a final cry for help, since nothing else seems to work.
I phoned the samaritans, and to their credit, the very kind and patient lady on the phone changed my mind on a lethal overdose I was about to impulsively take during a breakdown, but since then everything has gotten worse.
People keep telling me to seek help, but my god am I trying. I don't know what else people want me to do. I've tried to get therapy, I've tried seeing different doctors, I've been on different antidepressants. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Still, as much as I thought about finally dying a lot this week, I'm going to try my best to recover still.
Yesterday I drank too much, and threw up for an hour straight, in a desperate attempt to either cope with my feelings or die, but in a way I think it made me want to turn to recovery again more than death. Because of my depression I can't hold down a job (and I'm struggling to eat anymore), can't get into relationships, can't keep friendships, feel like a disgusting burden on my family, etc etc.
I hope this time will be the time I can make recovery happen. Best of luck to anyone else who is trying to recover. I'm trying to do it for my dog. Nothing else is more important to me than her ...
