Discussion recovery feels so cringe to me

[norwegianbuttercris]

It's been about a month. since I've tried to CTB, I told my parents about it and moved back home for a bit. I'm not seeking any professional advice/help because it feels so humiliating. Like its so so so embarrassing telling people I tried to CTB but backed out because I'm a pussy, like I can't even kill myself properly come on now
Anyways, is anyone else in like a limbo of trying to be normal and acting like nothing happened but also still having depressing thoughts?
Like the month leading up to me trying to CTB I was isolating myself but would only consume depressing media and basically only do things that would help lead up to me CTB. Now I got nothing, i'm just stuck. I can't even look at those things without laughing a little bit.
Even cutting is cringe to me. I'll be mid-cut and think "Is it that serious?? get a grip girl", I know I should get a hobby or something but I have 0 energy and my attention span is non-existent.
I think the worst part about it all is that the suicidal thoughts are still there but they just come back to me at night time so i just go to bed and pretend like nothing was happening and wake up normal.
People who are recovering or recovered any advice please and thank you

 

[Dot]

Hpe cn undrstand typng

Jst FYI

Professnls wll nt judge u fr attemptng or abortng an attmpt

Thy will only wan2 know 'why' & help u frm thre -- u hve nothng 2 b embarrssd abt

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

@norwegianbuttercris

This is a translation of reply above by @Dot : (hope this is ok + correct )

//

Hope you can understand typing

Just FYI

Professionals will not judge you for attempting or aborting an attempt

They will only want to know 'why' and help you from there — you have nothing to be embarrassed about

 

[SoftWorries]

There's no one anywhere who thinks "what a pussy!" for you being alive. Like, no one. That's just your dark thoughts reflecting back at you

It sucks for sure to be getting better. I'm sure there was some certainty in getting to a really dark place. I'd suggest watching and reading a whole bunch of dark comedies.

Your family wants you to stop being suicidal of course so they're not the best to talk to about it. Everyone here relates so you can write to us. It takes a lot of effort to see a professional so just spend some time being honest with yourself and others who understand about why living isn't a good time.

For me I'm learning to live with wanting to die half the time. It's been a lot better for me emotionally than having the goal post be to anything else than that. I've found through this that my feelings are valid and the desire to die is valid. It doesn't mean things can't get better for you emotional tho. When you find the comedy in the tragedy things improve greatly imo

 

[western_heart]

I attempted a bit over a month ago and ended up moving in with my parents after I got out of the hospital. I was suicidal for years and the idea of killing myself so I wouldn't have to deal with my problems is so ingrained in my head that it's hard for me to see my reality clearly. Unlearning this is a very slow process. For the first few weeks after the attempt, I put a lot of work into making myself comfortable at home so I have the space to try to get better.

I told my psychiatrist and therapist about my attempt once I got out of the hospital. (Psych knew already because I missed an appointment & the hospital faxed him my discharge papers.) I thought my psychiatrist would stop writing some of my prescriptions, and want to put me on a different antidepressant/antipsychotic or something, but he didn't. He seems to want me to get better, and my therapist does too. I'd been hiding my suicide ideation from professionals for a decade, and wish I had opened up way sooner. I was so afraid of being hospitalized that I kept quiet until I was hospitalized.

I can't act like nothing happened. I talk about my attempt openly online, and have told my close friends and parents about it, but I haven't told anyone else in my family and have continued isolating myself from some friend groups. I need to change that. The version of me that stayed at home doing nothing all day long was miserable, I have to be different now. So I have made lifestyle changes, just getting out every day helps a lot.

 

[norwegianbuttercris]

There's no one anywhere who thinks "what a pussy!" for you being alive. Like, no one. That's just your dark thoughts reflecting back at you

It sucks for sure to be getting better. I'm sure there was some certainty in getting to a really dark place. I'd suggest watching and reading a whole bunch of dark comedies.

Your family wants you to stop being suicidal of course so they're not the best to talk to about it. Everyone here relates so you can write to us. It takes a lot of effort to see a professional so just spend some time being honest with yourself and others who understand about why living isn't a good time.

For me I'm learning to live with wanting to die half the time. It's been a lot better for me emotionally than having the goal post be to anything else than that. I've found through this that my feelings are valid and the desire to die is valid. It doesn't mean things can't get better for you emotional tho. When you find the comedy in the tragedy things improve greatly imo

I attempted a bit over a month ago and ended up moving in with my parents after I got out of the hospital. I was suicidal for years and the idea of killing myself so I wouldn't have to deal with my problems is so ingrained in my head that it's hard for me to see my reality clearly. Unlearning this is a very slow process. For the first few weeks after the attempt, I put a lot of work into making myself comfortable at home so I have the space to try to get better.

I told my psychiatrist and therapist about my attempt once I got out of the hospital. (Psych knew already because I missed an appointment & the hospital faxed him my discharge papers.) I thought my psychiatrist would stop writing some of my prescriptions, and want to put me on a different antidepressant/antipsychotic or something, but he didn't. He seems to want me to get better, and my therapist does too. I'd been hiding my suicide ideation from professionals for a decade, and wish I had opened up way sooner. I was so afraid of being hospitalized that I kept quiet until I was hospitalized.

I can't act like nothing happened. I talk about my attempt openly online, and have told my close friends and parents about it, but I haven't told anyone else in my family and have continued isolating myself from some friend groups. I need to change that. The version of me that stayed at home doing nothing all day long was miserable, I have to be different now. So I have made lifestyle changes, just getting out every day helps a lot.

Hpe cn undrstand typng

Jst FYI

Professnls wll nt judge u fr attemptng or abortng an attmpt

Thy will only wan2 know 'why' & help u frm thre -- u hve nothng 2 b embarrssd abt

Thank you for all for your input, i really appreciate it

 

[orca2490]

I feel like there's a lot of pressure associated with recovery. And as so many of us know, seeing the correct answer or path to recovery doesn't make starting or getting there easier. Big props for having the introspection that you do.

Personally it took me a full year following my attempts to finally be able to reach out for professional help, and even then I didn't disclose that it had gotten to that point (obviously this isn't the best practice). It took years for the suicidal ideation to stop being my go to thought pattern, that said I would have never thought things could improve as much as they have.

For me it came down to time... which isn't necessarily the most helpful in the moment. But like others have said I think there's much less judgement from both professionals and others on here than we (or at least I) always think.

 

[hwaiting]

It's been about a month. since I've tried to CTB, I told my parents about it and moved back home for a bit. I'm not seeking any professional advice/help because it feels so humiliating. Like its so so so embarrassing telling people I tried to CTB but backed out because I'm a pussy, like I can't even kill myself properly come on now
Anyways, is anyone else in like a limbo of trying to be normal and acting like nothing happened but also still having depressing thoughts?
Like the month leading up to me trying to CTB I was isolating myself but would only consume depressing media and basically only do things that would help lead up to me CTB. Now I got nothing, i'm just stuck. I can't even look at those things without laughing a little bit.
Even cutting is cringe to me. I'll be mid-cut and think "Is it that serious?? get a grip girl", I know I should get a hobby or something but I have 0 energy and my attention span is non-existent.
I think the worst part about it all is that the suicidal thoughts are still there but they just come back to me at night time so i just go to bed and pretend like nothing was happening and wake up normal.
People who are recovering or recovered any advice please and thank you

There's definitely that kind of surreal feeling when in the weeks after you thought it would all be over. As someone who's dealt with self-hatred and low self-esteem for their entire life, I think it's important to internalize how those things manifest. I'm sure you've heard 'you are your harshest critic' many times before, but it's pretty true. You can be your own worst enemy sometimes.

I think it's important to acknowledge what's just happened. Things were bad enough that you tried to CTB, and it'll probably be a while before things start to look up. Still having suicidal thoughts pretty expected because it's only been a month. It would take a miracle, and I'd be kinda scared if someone told me that their suicidal ideation had completely vanished a month after an attempt on their life.

Honestly, I think the most important thing is to try and be easier on yourself. Recovery takes a long time; it's kind of like a process of trying to undo a lifetime of self-hatred, self-sabotage, and everything else. While it's important to try and find more sustainable coping strategies, when you find yourself doing the more unhealthy ones like self-harm, give yourself some grace. If a loved one was in the same situation as you and they started to relapse, you'd want to support them in any way you can.

Just because you messed up doesn't mean you haven't tried. One day at a time. Hope things are ok over there

 

[prospero]

It's been about a month. since I've tried to CTB, I told my parents about it and moved back home for a bit. I'm not seeking any professional advice/help because it feels so humiliating. Like its so so so embarrassing telling people I tried to CTB but backed out because I'm a pussy, like I can't even kill myself properly come on now
Anyways, is anyone else in like a limbo of trying to be normal and acting like nothing happened but also still having depressing thoughts?
Like the month leading up to me trying to CTB I was isolating myself but would only consume depressing media and basically only do things that would help lead up to me CTB. Now I got nothing, i'm just stuck. I can't even look at those things without laughing a little bit.
Even cutting is cringe to me. I'll be mid-cut and think "Is it that serious?? get a grip girl", I know I should get a hobby or something but I have 0 energy and my attention span is non-existent.
I think the worst part about it all is that the suicidal thoughts are still there but they just come back to me at night time so i just go to bed and pretend like nothing was happening and wake up normal.
People who are recovering or recovered any advice please and thank you

Hey, it's perfectly normal that you feel this way. I felt ashamed after my attempt as well and it was weird with my parents, gf and her parents. Try not to judge yourself harshly but also it's OK to experience these feelings too. If you can't accept the thought that you're not a pussy, at least accept the fact that you think you're a pussy. If you don't fight these thoughts, they generally get somewhat weaker. When someone is in a hard situation, it's pretty natural that they struggle. So allow yourself to have such emotional reactions that any of us would most likely have in your place.

Regarding mental health professionals: There is no need to be ashamed there. It is their job to help you and they've seen a lot. They are trained to give you a safe space and to be non-judgemental. I think it's a good idea to ask for help in your situation. I'd highly recommend that.

My experience with isolation is that it helps me in the short term when I get overwhelmed by external stressors. But after a few days isolation just makes depression worst and locks me into my head with my downward spiralling thoughts. A mental health professional can assess your depression and help you find those things that can gently increase your activity level and overall mood. They have a lot of handy methods in their toolbox and you can try those out because some of those can actually help and make a difference.

In the meantime if you spend all your time inside, try to go out for a short walk every day. Your might have acquired D vitamin deficiency which has a negative effect on your mental state and it's a rather quick fix to take vitamins at least. Try to get enough sleep and establish regular sleep patterns, that makes a huge difference as well. If you find it hard to sleep medication can help here as well but until you get help, you can try over the counter sleep aid things, herbal teas, etc. Until you find a therapist, maybe try to confide in someone so that you're not alone and have someone to talk to. It can be a friend, a relative, a teacher or a pastor. (I'm not a Christian but I talked with a pastor and it helped surprisingly a lot. She didn't try to convert me or anything like that.)

 

[Punished Mantis]

I feel recovery being a meme is due to some people overdoing it. Recovery is not just being optimistic, for some like us, its just getting by and not self loathing anymore. Trying to heal from the past which really only happens from time and life changes.

 

[Valky]

Totally agree with @Punished Mantis.

There is no shame ever to seek help. You backed out for a reason and whatever that might be, it is completely valid.

Professionals handle a lot of different people, you are not the only one who went to therapy after an attempt, don't be afraid, if they are some decent human beings they will be more than glad that you choose this path instead.

Recovery is never cringe, it's a battle and I am so proud of you for choosing this path <3

I wish you all the best, you got this.

 

[ThomasJ]

Like its so so so embarrassing telling people I tried to CTB but backed out because I'm a pussy, like I can't even kill myself properly come on now

must suicide attempts end in failure, so it's not exactly a surprise. If anything, completed attempts are the rarity - relatively speaking.
I don't think it means you're weak, cringe or incapable at all. Just means your mind wasn't wired for it at that moment, but that can easily be a good thing depending on your circumstances. I wouldn't worry about it, or feel silly for it.

Even cutting is cringe to me. I'll be mid-cut and think "Is it that serious?? get a grip girl"

that also seems like a good thing to me. Cutting is known to not be the best of coping mechanisms (to put it lightly), and clearly you're already rejecting it in some way. And you're aware of it too, which is great. So maybe that's a good place to start? I'm no therapist, so I'm not trying to offer any super specific advice or go on a while psychoanalysing trip where I pretend that I know what moves you and what might help you.

But uhhh... you're pretty harsh on yourself. I don't think you need to be. That's all I got. Good luck with your recovery! You're doing great

 

[Stylite]

Like its so so so embarrassing telling people I tried to CTB but backed out because I'm a pussy, like I can't even kill myself properly come on now

Don't ever think like this. I get where you're coming from, but this is sort of ridiculous and not at all true. This is some romanticized Bushido idea of "bravery". Everyone, even warriors- firefighters, scuba divers, and soldiers are afraid of death. It's instinctual, it's biological- it's subconscious. You don't control when you get to feel hungry or not, you don't get to control when you get to feel sleepy or not. Same way you don't get to control your fight/flight response and aversion to death.

If life seems hopeless, and nothing looks right at all, just remember that people commonly refer to suicide as "the easy way out" for a reason. It's harder to keep on living in terrible circumstances than to end it all, so if anything, it's more brave to not CTB in some circumstances.

 

[Hihihehehuhu]

It's been about a month. since I've tried to CTB, I told my parents about it and moved back home for a bit. I'm not seeking any professional advice/help because it feels so humiliating. Like its so so so embarrassing telling people I tried to CTB but backed out because I'm a pussy, like I can't even kill myself properly come on now
Anyways, is anyone else in like a limbo of trying to be normal and acting like nothing happened but also still having depressing thoughts?
Like the month leading up to me trying to CTB I was isolating myself but would only consume depressing media and basically only do things that would help lead up to me CTB. Now I got nothing, i'm just stuck. I can't even look at those things without laughing a little bit.
Even cutting is cringe to me. I'll be mid-cut and think "Is it that serious?? get a grip girl", I know I should get a hobby or something but I have 0 energy and my attention span is non-existent.
I think the worst part about it all is that the suicidal thoughts are still there but they just come back to me at night time so i just go to bed and pretend like nothing was happening and wake up normal.
People who are recovering or recovered any advice please and thank you

Honestly im currently in a same situation as you and i think the same !! Im not really sure what to do these days, should i relapse and try to ctb again or "stay strong" and keep my recovery
I actually started recovering for my parents and not with my free will but i slowly started to understand that it makes me feel better and i kinda have hope
I hope the best for you <3

 

[ArchmagePrincess]

When I was younger I was definitely trapped by this concept of "cringe." What I learned over time is that most fun, fulfilling, and healing things are going to be considered cringe by somebody. Cringe is just the word people give to things they don't want others to do and think are shameful. A lot of those things are completely harmless and just fun to do for those people, anything from being a furry to liking anime way too much.

Cringe as a term has also spread to people using it to bully LGBT people, neurodivergent people, etc in addition to bullying people trying to have a good time. It became "cringe" to not be cynical. Eventually, I learned not caring about what "cringe" is made me a lot more free to be happier.

Sometimes a lot of healing things you can do look cringe or ineffective at first glance. I scoffed at the idea of talking to someone about my problems, making drawings or poetry about my feelings, or writing letters to my abused childhood self. All of those things genuinely help me cope with the suffering I have to deal with, even though I originally called them all cringe and believed there was no way any of those could make a dent in my problems because they were too big and serious.

Granted, if you do feel like what you're doing is ineffective and humiliating, don't ignore that and try something else. But don't avoid doing things that are enjoyable or that might be able to make you feel even a smidge better just because they feel cringe.