Recovering when everything is shit

[Lotus]

Hi. Some of you know me, some of you don't. Maybe I'll get to know some of you a little more. Right now I'm in the middle a legal prosecution of child sexual abuse against my father. At the same time I'm trying to succeed in the medical career field. Oh, how I wish things could be simple.

This semester began with police interrogations and full time uni lectures with group work including the most useless team work hand-in ever that got us an A. After that I began my clinical placement at a little hospital in the country with 5 other students I didn't know. They began to exclude me pretty early on, and they made comments that made me feel uncomfortable and was really up in my ass what I did and what I did not do at the hospital. They wanted drama, and they got drama. They told my supervisor that I wasn't as much at the hospital as I should be (how the fuck would they know?). I told my supervisor my side of it and I told them that I didn't appreciate them going to our supervisor telling her this, and my take on being sociallye excluded. What did they do? Claimed nothing of that happening and continued to exclude me in the house we were ALL LIVING IN. Yes, what a total nightmare.

I reported the bullying to the faculty, and they offered me to move the next week. Right after I got the new living arrangements, one of the students claimed I was high on drugs at the hospital when she was called inn after I reported her for bullying. REVENGE MUCH? I dunno what happened, my supervisor is a total narcissist which everyone knows (that's why they reported me in the first place) and a loose canon. She then wanted me to take a "voluntary drug test". It was up to me, but she claimed that it was necessary to rebuild trust to get the placement approved. PRESSURE? ABUSE OF POWER? Everyone said that I should never ever volunteer to take a drug test, but I knew right there and then when she pressed that button that changed her personality that I was never going to get my placement approved by her - which happened. She said, and I quote, that I do not have the emotional capacity to handling patients bc I'm a victim in a sexual crime trial and that I should be on a sick leave, I have no empathy or self insight, and that I'm lying.

I have experienced this kind of abuse before, and that is psychological abuse from a narcissist that was my father. My supervisor is the small university hospital's Amber Heard. She is manipulative, falsifying evidence and abusing her power. What she does not know is that she easily slips up. She won this battle, but she hasn't won the war.

I would have given up if it wasn't for you, my mom, my cousin and my therapist. I laid on the floor for several hours not thinking, just existing, after I was accused of this and that from bullies and that it could ruin my career. My mom got me up on my feet, my therapist believed me and my cousin made me do everything she asked of me - which was never enough, big surprise. What I have though is documentation, so although I wanna give up and just WHY THE HELL BOTHER, she slips up so many times that I think that I have a chance here to stand up for being treated unfair for the SECOND time.

I am so mad because it is so unfair and the consequences of it was losing my job (which she knew, power move) and maybe doing extra time on my studies. But I feel like I have done everything in my power. This was out of my control. No one has a chance against a narcissist working her/his way eating you up inside.

Yup, working on my manuscript. LOL. Thank you for those of you that bothered to read. I need to vent a lot about this matter, and it is just so easy to have a thread on the topic instead of bothering everyone in chat/discord <3

My supervisor made a terrible move on the wrong woman, and she will soon have to face the consequences of that. It is not even revenge, it is self-assertion. I wanna ctb every day but to my supervisor all I have to say is:

 

[electrojellysoup]

Get that bitch, I'm rooting for you. That abuser as well.

 

[timf]

I knew a gal who had been abused by her father when she was a child. She was in her 30s and having difficulty in relationships. The harm from this sort of experience happens in two ways. The first is that there are the negative experiences, the second is that positive developmental stages may not be experienced. There is even the possibly of a third compounding effect where corrupting developmental processes may be inserted.

I asked her if she ever thought of confronting her father. She told me her father had died. I asked her if she ever thought about visiting the grave and taking a dump on it.It was a shocking thing to say, but it elicited a laugh and I think that while not an actual suggestion, helped illustrate the importance of making a disconnection.

Vengeance can be momentarily satisfying and even help prevent others from being abused, but there is a danger on maintaining a connection to those who are toxic. Bitterness can poison a life.

I knew a guy when he was going through medical school. He had observed his fellow students as "really, really" wanting to be doctors. Some to please their parents, some for money, others for power or prestige. However, all were highly motivated. Such small environments may elevate hostility especially if the "pack" turns on the weakest one. Would it be possible to move to a different environment such as a large city hospital where anonymity might be protective.

 

[Lotus]

Thank you for your warm and kind ways to show support and affection @electrojellysoup @timf I'm trying to hold on to the thought that this is unfair but it is truly overwhelming as well, and it is hard to keep focusing on getting a better life that in the end could possibly never happen. Yikes.

 

[chocolatebar]

You're right. you can report them and your supervisor and it will make they change the way they treat you in an instant.

Unfortunately, most people are like that and won't do anything in favor of the other unless legally pressured.

Do you have someone to aid you legally?

 

[Lotus]

You're right. you can report them and your supervisor and it will make they change the way they treat you in an instant.

Unfortunately, most people are like that and won't do anything in favor of the other unless legally pressured.

Do you have someone to aid you legally?

Thank you My family member, who's like a big sis to me and works in a legal firm, is helping me both emotionally and with the case, so she is letting me cry and laugh when I need to. I'm also getting help from the student union.

My supervisor is not willingly giving me the document I believe she has falsified. Right now I don't know what to expect really. If I was a kid I would think that my future was dependant on her and act out of fear, like I did with my father, but I know better now. At least it is keeping me alive at the moment, which is a struggle every day. I want to have a good life, but why is it so damn hard?

 

[chocolatebar]

Thank you My family member, who's like a big sis to me and works in a legal firm, is helping me both emotionally and with the case, so she is letting me cry and laugh when I need to. I'm also getting help from the student union.

My supervisor is not willingly giving me the document I believe she has falsified. Right now I don't know what to expect really. If I was a kid I would think that my future was dependant on her and act out of fear, like I did with my father, but I know better now. At least it is keeping me alive at the moment, which is a struggle every day. I want to have a good life, but why is it so damn hard?

It's good to know. It's important to have a strong legal backing and use it in your favor. It can be exhaustive at first, but it will be relieving in the end and it also gives us a great sense of protection when we organize the situation and summarize all the laws we need.

 

[Lotus]

It's good to know. It's important to have a strong legal backing and use it in your favor. It can be exhaustive at first, but it will be relieving in the end and it also gives us a great sense of protection when we organize the situation and summarize all the laws we need.

Thank you so much for supportive words and explaining it so well. You're right, I'm exhausted. I rely a lot on my cousin and she is so clever. She always keeps me sharp and she is also being caring enough to allow me to get rest or eat between the work sessions. It is almost done, just a week left and it will be delivered to the ones handling the case of what seems to be an ep. of "The office" or "Suits".

My supervisor was a total ass about the whole thing. "THIS IS HOW IT IS. THIS IS MY WORD. IT IS FINAL." I was like, it isn't even up to you though? She panicked when she knew she had messed up. God complex? She was like "THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM. FINITO." And sure, this is my problem now, but it is temporary, and it has practical solutions. I have done nothing wrong. What she has done though is considered illegal. So is this really MY problem? Or is she again projecting?

I am venting before my therapist session later today. I appreciate everyone even taking the time to say that they believe me because it means so much to me. I know that the system failed me the first round, and I'm hoping that it won't in the next round, but to have so much support makes it not matter that much. I know what is true and getting that overwhelming support even from people who don't know me is heart warming.

 

[Lotus]

I'm tired of people in authority roles buying my supervisor's narrative that I am a degenerate. It makes me angry and exhausted. I told them that this would happen way before it did. She would never let me pass, and that was out of my control, but they didn't believe me then and I need to spend a lot of energy in explaining the real story. There is something off going on with my supervisor, and she is still holding on to that document I believe she has falsified.

 

[Lotus]

She still won't give me the meeting report she falsified lmao she has reached out to HR and legal squad to help her out. Well this sucks for me, but if anyone that's reading this has a vicious boss or supervisor of any kind like this, you aren't alone and it doesn't mean that you deserve to be treated like shit. Nobody deserves that.

 

[LittleJem]

Fight fight fight and win!!!

 

[Angi]

I admire you for going after your abuser! You are showing so much strength. Keep it up!

 

[TalvezQuemSabe?]

Your storie is kind of inspirational to me these days... I don t know how to fight for me and I must learn from great exemples like yours. Please dont look back!!!

 

[Lotus]

Thank you so much for kind words @TalvezQuemSabe? @Angi @LittleJem It is very nice of you taking the time. I'll hope you get the strength to fight back @TalvezQuemSabe? I didn't know either before I suddenly got the tools and the support I needed.