BoulderSoWhat
Student
- Aug 29, 2024
- 161
It's been over a year since my decision to try "one last thing" for myself, my last shot at trying to make my life feel like something I 'd want to try to continue. At the end of September 2023, I left my job. Work burnout, life burnout, general dissatisfaction and frustration with everything. Broke away from my family, cut off communication with the one friend I had, I had no more connections, no more obligations, nothing was keeping me alive except myself. And I was only keeping myself alive because I wasn't trying to die, not because I was trying to live. No one to turn to, no one to talk to, and now with the clock ticking on how long it would take for my savings to run out. There was one last thing I wanted to try. Tired of the workplace bs, I would take a shot at day trading fx currency pairs. Pay a few hundred up front for a prop firm exam, make x percent a couple times, then hooray, I get a funded 250k account. I get to keep x percent profit. If I maintain consistency, I can scale up to 4 million. Fuck working, I can just do this shit then spend the money on therapy to figure out my mental health. Yeah well turns out trading under the conditions of my mindset at the time, I was prone to compulsive scalping, full leverage every trade. I even passed the exam a couple times, but never 3 times in a row to ever see a live account. I did this from October 2023-February/March 2024, more or less. Trading 2AM-3PM, making every bad trading decision possible, multiple times over and over, never learning. Fail exam, pay for new exam, fail exam, pay for new exam, over and over, until my savings started to concern me.
But I still wanted to try, I told myself. I'll just get a new job, trade less often, maybe that will help. I'm not going back to work for the work, I just need the money to fuel my trading ambition. Well my health wasn't doing to good, at least physical activity quickly depleted my energy after pretty much sitting at a desk watching charts every day for 5-6 months straight. Tried to get a job at a box manufacturing plant. Nope, repetitive lifting made me light headed to the point of almost passing out by day 3. Quit on the spot. Tried to get a job doing a traveling inventory gig, figuring it would be good for me to be out of my apartment most of the time. Ha, we traveled to the first site, checked in to the hotel, and I can only describe myself as having massive anxiety. I packed my stuff, sent an email to my supervisor that I was resigning immediately due to personal health, then Ubered myself back home. When I got back home, I got some meal at a bar and that's when I decided, no more. No more of anything. Fuck jobs, fuck the trading, fuck my whole history and all the shit that has happened in my life. It's been a rollercoaster since it began. Nowhere has felt like home, nobody has felt like family, I've never felt relaxed, I've never been happy with life. All events have felt like just perpetually trying to get away from stuff and moving from situation to situation, never settling down, not for a moment.
So I was done, I'd had ideation since I was little, no more postponing. No more reasons to "wait and see." I felt... relief. I think I actually smiled when I realized my mind was actually ready to commit. Suddenly, my stress level went down, I felt calm, I felt like there was no more pressure or weight. I felt free. So I finished my meal, and decided I would go on my 30th birthday, May 29th 2024. I spent the whole month of April cleaning out my apartment. A good chunk of my last savings, I used on a month long stay at a beach resort. I would check out on May 29th and die by CO. I don't like to use the word peace, but I'll use it. I felt at peace, day by day, week by week, as I cleaned out my apartment bit by bit. Then the day came to leave for the resort. I put my apartment key on the counter, got into my car, and traveled. Still felt nothing, as I left the apartment, fully intent on not returning. I got to the resort. The lady was surprised I was staying for so long, she asked if I was in the area for work. I think I just said, no I have some time to myself for a bit, so here I am for awhile. Quickly fell into a routine of walking around the small town, getting coffee, gaming mindlessly. I would look at the ocean sometimes. I think I actually only walked along the beach once the whole time lol.
Looking at people felt just extra strange. To see people smiling, laughing, having a good time doing whatever. So carefree, so pointless, so circumstantially privileged, so greedy, so emotional. Somehow, the month of May passed by, and it was May 28th. I stayed up the whole night, obviously I wasn't going to sleep knowing it was almost time. Think I drank some coffee, playing Factorio. Then the time arrived. The front office opened, I checked out, said I enjoyed my stay, then traveled to a nearby trail head to attempt death by CO.
Obviously, me being alive and typing all this out, the story continues. But I've just been keeping my head down and not really talking through, not thinking through, just what exactly has happened these few recent months. I never felt sad. Angry? I think I felt anger when I thought about my family. But not all the time. I also felt pain, knowing they would feel pain upon inevitably finding out what has happened, and never knowing why. And never knowing why I abruptly stopped communication in the first place. But when my mind felt most clear, I felt determination, resilience, and a resounding feeling of YES, it is time for me to go. I reject everything about being alive. I reject my birth and subsequent existence. I am down.
And so off I go to sleep, to get up for work in the morning. Thanks for reading if you did, I felt an urge to think and try to process things a little bit. Take care :)
But I still wanted to try, I told myself. I'll just get a new job, trade less often, maybe that will help. I'm not going back to work for the work, I just need the money to fuel my trading ambition. Well my health wasn't doing to good, at least physical activity quickly depleted my energy after pretty much sitting at a desk watching charts every day for 5-6 months straight. Tried to get a job at a box manufacturing plant. Nope, repetitive lifting made me light headed to the point of almost passing out by day 3. Quit on the spot. Tried to get a job doing a traveling inventory gig, figuring it would be good for me to be out of my apartment most of the time. Ha, we traveled to the first site, checked in to the hotel, and I can only describe myself as having massive anxiety. I packed my stuff, sent an email to my supervisor that I was resigning immediately due to personal health, then Ubered myself back home. When I got back home, I got some meal at a bar and that's when I decided, no more. No more of anything. Fuck jobs, fuck the trading, fuck my whole history and all the shit that has happened in my life. It's been a rollercoaster since it began. Nowhere has felt like home, nobody has felt like family, I've never felt relaxed, I've never been happy with life. All events have felt like just perpetually trying to get away from stuff and moving from situation to situation, never settling down, not for a moment.
So I was done, I'd had ideation since I was little, no more postponing. No more reasons to "wait and see." I felt... relief. I think I actually smiled when I realized my mind was actually ready to commit. Suddenly, my stress level went down, I felt calm, I felt like there was no more pressure or weight. I felt free. So I finished my meal, and decided I would go on my 30th birthday, May 29th 2024. I spent the whole month of April cleaning out my apartment. A good chunk of my last savings, I used on a month long stay at a beach resort. I would check out on May 29th and die by CO. I don't like to use the word peace, but I'll use it. I felt at peace, day by day, week by week, as I cleaned out my apartment bit by bit. Then the day came to leave for the resort. I put my apartment key on the counter, got into my car, and traveled. Still felt nothing, as I left the apartment, fully intent on not returning. I got to the resort. The lady was surprised I was staying for so long, she asked if I was in the area for work. I think I just said, no I have some time to myself for a bit, so here I am for awhile. Quickly fell into a routine of walking around the small town, getting coffee, gaming mindlessly. I would look at the ocean sometimes. I think I actually only walked along the beach once the whole time lol.
Looking at people felt just extra strange. To see people smiling, laughing, having a good time doing whatever. So carefree, so pointless, so circumstantially privileged, so greedy, so emotional. Somehow, the month of May passed by, and it was May 28th. I stayed up the whole night, obviously I wasn't going to sleep knowing it was almost time. Think I drank some coffee, playing Factorio. Then the time arrived. The front office opened, I checked out, said I enjoyed my stay, then traveled to a nearby trail head to attempt death by CO.
Obviously, me being alive and typing all this out, the story continues. But I've just been keeping my head down and not really talking through, not thinking through, just what exactly has happened these few recent months. I never felt sad. Angry? I think I felt anger when I thought about my family. But not all the time. I also felt pain, knowing they would feel pain upon inevitably finding out what has happened, and never knowing why. And never knowing why I abruptly stopped communication in the first place. But when my mind felt most clear, I felt determination, resilience, and a resounding feeling of YES, it is time for me to go. I reject everything about being alive. I reject my birth and subsequent existence. I am down.
And so off I go to sleep, to get up for work in the morning. Thanks for reading if you did, I felt an urge to think and try to process things a little bit. Take care :)