Reconciling your intellectual side with the emotional side of ctb

[Zombiegal]

I have been chronically ill for over 25 years. I have no quality of life, go for days without talking to anyone and am just getting worse. I'm 69 so it's not like I haven't lived a life, it's just that now I'm just existing. What I have is not living.

Yet I am struggling with my intellectual self who says "what kind of life is this" vs. my emotional side which I think is just a fear of missing something. But what? There is no cure, I'm not going to get better, I'm not going to get younger, all I do is watch tv and eat so what am I going to miss?

I can't figure out this FOMO thing, if that is what it is, and how to get past it. I'm in no rush but I need to make sure I am physically able to do it.

If anyone has any thoughts I'd like to hear. Thanks

 

[Computer Blue]

Interesting, as I have been thinking about something similar. It presently seems to me that we are disposable. That's what I see when I look at the animal kingdom and see a baby gazelle get eaten by a lion for example. I don't see why it would be any different for us humans. I think humans have been taught our entire lives that we are somehow special and that this life matters. I'm starting to think this is wrong. But again, I am just now trying to work my way through this line of thought.

I feel I should edit this post to say that I do lean toward reincarnation but I still also believe that our meat suits are disposable for the reincarnating souls.

 

[WornOutLife]

I really admire you because I think I won't live that long whether I ctb or not.
My lifestyle is too unhealthy.
Btw, I struggle with the same.
My emotional and intellectual sides are in a constant conflict.

 

[greyhound]

I was actually about to post earlier today 'Does anyone else feel like a Zombie'. Same as you I've been chronically ill for 25 years. I'm younger though, I'm supposed to be at the peak of my powers and earning/saving for retirement but instead I just cashed in my 401k.

I'm too sick to work/live/interact/have relationships, yet too healthy to get disability. I feel like I am just marking the days but eventually my savings will run out. Life is pretty miserable with the illnesses, but if I had a trust fund maybe it would be a different story. I could potentially survive the day-day pain but trying to get an education and then work with this shit has been torture.

 

[Endeavour]

I think this is the thing that makes it hard to be a human.

Animals just are, they just get on with things and eat when they feel hungry, drink when they feel thirsty, sleep when they feel tired, run away when they feel scared. they live totally in the moment.

We developed the thinking part of the brain a few tens of thousands of years ago and I think it's more a curse than a blessing.

We spend most of our time thinking about the past, or worrying about the future rather than just getting on with living.

I think it is like having 2 different brains that as wornoutlife says are in constant conflict with each other for a lot of people, especially with the stresses the world we've created throws at us.

 

[Sensei]

To me, life quality is to create and experience, as opposed to simply be and consume. Maybe you should try writing, drawing, painting, playing an instrument, or similar.

 

[Zombiegal]

Hey, I never got any alerts about these posts so sorry I missed your comments. Thanks all. I wondered if it was me. Today was bad mentally but ctb was not on my mind. Yet my qol is almost. On-existent.

To me, life quality is to create and experience, as opposed to simply be and consume. Maybe you should try writing, drawing, painting, playing an instrument, or similar.

I have been chronically ill and housebound for 25 years. I get exhausted reaching for the remote or looking at my phone. I am in bed or on the sofa. If it was as easy as something so simple as a hobby don't you think I would have done it?
No one who isn't chronically ill cannot begin to fathom how hard it is.

I really admire you because I think I won't live that long whether I ctb or not.
My lifestyle is too unhealthy.
Btw, I struggle with the same.
My emotional and intellectual sides are in a constant conflict.

I've gotten to a point where I'm done with pain and illness and I'll eat what I want and screw it.

I was actually about to post earlier today 'Does anyone else feel like a Zombie'. Same as you I've been chronically ill for 25 years. I'm younger though, I'm supposed to be at the peak of my powers and earning/saving for retirement but instead I just cashed in my 401k.

I'm too sick to work/live/interact/have relationships, yet too healthy to get disability. I feel like I am just marking the days but eventually my savings will run out. Life is pretty miserable with the illnesses, but if I had a trust fund maybe it would be a different story. I could potentially survive the day-day pain but trying to get an education and then work with this shit has been torture.

Yeah. I totally get it. Ifs exhausting being sick. That sucks you can't get disability. Have you tried an Attorney? I'm only on social security now which ain't much. The idea of a roommate is too much.

I think this is the thing that makes it hard to be a human.

Animals just are, they just get on with things and eat when they feel hungry, drink when they feel thirsty, sleep when they feel tired, run away when they feel scared. they live totally in the moment.

We developed the thinking part of the brain a few tens of thousands of years ago and I think it's more a curse than a blessing.

We spend most of our time thinking about the past, or worrying about the future rather than just getting on with living.

I think it is like having 2 different brains that as wornoutlife says are in constant conflict with each other for a lot of people, especially with the stresses the world we've created throws at us.

I think another thing is that we are taught and our doctors think that any life. I matter how miserable is better than the alternative. They have to get over that. Exit has the right idea. We should have total control over how and when we die.

I just told my doc that if I get some bad cancer I won't treat it. He was dumbfounded. Well live in my shoes and tell me how great it is to be alive when all I do is exist.

 

[signifying nothing]

Maybe you should try writing, drawing, painting, playing an instrument, or similar.

If it was as easy as something so simple as a hobby don't you think I would have done it?

I find it hard to create things, the prospect of doing so has scared me for many years and in many ways still does (I have trouble even owning a pen/pencil at the mo for example). Posting to SS is the most creative thing I have done in a long time and it took me a while to feel alright about it.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that we do what we are able and instead of trying to fit into prescribed notions of what our lives should be like, what we're better off doing is trying to rethink and shift the boundaries of what (in our own and others eyes) constitutes a meaningful and worthwhile way of being/living.

If you can manage that then you might feel better about how you have spent your days and be more at peace with your life when you're ready to leave it.

 

[EOL4ME]

All this rings true for me. Lots of mental and physical issues, but constant battle internally as I weigh all the pros and cons of ending my life. I have a great method that's easy, painless, and fast so no problems there ... I wonder if we were all guaranteed to wake into peaceful existence would we immediately go for it? Deep down, is it really just more about the unknown on the other side versus the decision process of the side we're on now?

 

[Zombiegal]

All this rings true for me. Lots of mental and physical issues, but constant battle internally as I weigh all the pros and cons of ending my life. I have a great method that's easy, painless, and fast so no problems there ... I wonder if we were all guaranteed to wake into peaceful existence would we immediately go for it? Deep down, is it really just more about the unknown on the other side versus the decision process of the side we're on now?

Totally agree. Still struggling. One week I'm good and let's see. Then I just am over it. I have a method. Of my first option and my second option have not purchased yet and that's my dilemma.
Have if for future when I'm too sick to manage it vs have it for when I'm ready

but my mood swings are so bad I don't want to one day say heck with it before I'm ready. But what is ready? Am I a coward? It's not like I have any kind of meaningful life. Like in a hamster wheel. Or ground hogs day. And no hope for improvement.