Venting Recently I have been in so much pain and I feel like I am never going to get better.

[Anonymousa]

Since Monday evening I have been in so much pain. I am only able to write this now cus I used medication that makes me sleepy calming me down a bit. I am still miserable tho. I feel like I am never going to get better. I just want to die but I feel like I am morally obligated to stay cus I know I am valued here and could do other things in my life to benefit others so I need to continue to suffer.

The only way I feel like I am going to get better is by being able to physical be with someone always that I can be close to, give me comfort and praise and the other person can get something out of me and use me. Something like a relationship or close friendship. However who the fluff is actually going to want to be with me? Who is going to want to be with such a suicidal person like me to the point I don't see death as a bad thing at all. No one that isn't from SaSu is actually going to want to be with me and fully accept me. I am too much of an emotional burden. My needs are too much for others to deal with. Only people from here are actual going to like me but most of us are so far away from each other and are ticking time bombs so I can't see anything working out. Also the fact I am trapped home by my parents makes it even harder for any potential of being with anyone impossible to do.

God why can't I be how I was before my first relationship? Why did I get into one? Before that I was a loner and more okay with life. Being in one was the best feeling ever to me and now I longer have it and now always crave that feeling like I am in withdrawal to an addiction. Nothing in my life now can compare to the feelings I felt when being in one. But I am too broken now. Being with people is so scary with the possibility or rejection or abandonment but not being with people is so miserable and empty. I feel so helpless on my own but being with others is so anxiety inducing as I could be asking for too much or do something wrong. I can only be consistently happy with I was to be with someone but any time away from that person makes me anxious and them leaving me all together will break me more than I already am and I become more miserable. I can't cope either way. I can't live like this.

 

[Afterglow]

You are valued here, that is true, but you come first, always remember that. If you can find a way out and it's your time, we'll support you just as you supported many of us.

sending hugs

 

[yearofluigi]

Saaaaaaame, it's such a struggle to connect with people and I don't think it's ever going to get any better. And I feel so shallow for wanting physical intimacy but I really need to be held :(((((( Ugh I made myself cry writing that I'm so pathetic

Sorry lol anyway it's your life and no one should be able to prolong it if you don't want to keep going, even though in practice there's a huge obligation to stay alive and it really sucks. I hope your pain eases up soon

 

[Still here]

My heart breaks for you my dear friend.....Sadly I am in the same situation as you are . I really have a hard time connecting with people...and it hurts a lot... Always at home starring/looking at the roof...