recently 18 finally ready to try again

[Lungz]

ive had around 3 serious attempts in the last year. been seriously suicidal since my mom passed when i was 13, been either isolated or in a shitty relationship since then. the last 5 years have been torture. i feel really guilty because i do have people around that seem to care for me somewhat, but ive fucked up things in my relationship again and i can feel theyre close to cutting me off. its been 5 hours since they texted me. i wronged them a lot,but didnt see it as that at the time i guess because we were broken up. idk. every time i think im going to lose them i spiral really bad. i was sick as a kid and had neglectful parents so i never graduated school n just spent a lot of time developing traumas and anxieties. theyre all ive had since i was 14. i cant handle anymore interpersonal relationships with people, but i cant stand to be alone. i feel so utterly alone and flawed. my body aches with anxiety daily, it physically hurts so much. my mind been consumed with thoughts of cbt or drugs since i was literally a kid. last time i tried to hang myself i somehow used my feet to pull my dresser back up off the ground to save myself. nomatter how i do it this time im gonna make sure it works. this is not a body i want to live in, this is not a reality i can stand ti watch anymore. i just wanna do shit right this time. i just need to find a way to get bitcoin or muster up the guts to do what i did last year again.
im cleaning my room right now so i dont leave ebhind too much of a mess.

 

[WadeingThru]

i wronged them a lot,but didnt see it as that at the time i guess because we were broken up. idk

If y'all not together at the time WTF were they thinking? You were gonna save your self for them while they get to run wild? Seems selfish to me.

im cleaning my room right now so i dont leave ebhind too much of a mess.

This seems like a waste of time to me.

Good luck and God bless.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation, it sounds like you have been through a lot. I know that this life is unbearable when you are suffering so much. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Lungz]

If y'all not together at the time WTF were they thinking? You were gonna save your self for them while they get to run wild? Seems selfish to me.

This seems like a waste of time to me.

Good luck and God bless.

their best friend who is 4 yrs older than me picked me up when i was on drugs and unable to talk, he told me he was ognna drive me around and help me calm down but ended up taking me to his house without saying a word and we cuddled. i didnt want anything with him, i told him that. he tried to force himself on me a few times and i didnt let him. i stayed longer than i should have bc i was suicidal and he was giving me drugs .this all happened when my ex was ghosting me after promising not to abandon me and crying with me in their bed after they had ghosted me for a month before. they told me their mom made them feel shitty because she knew they were all i had. we started taking things seriously again 4 months ago, but around a week ago a mutual friend who also tried to get w me told them eeverything that happened and theyre telling me i lied ontheir dads grave bc i swore i had nothing to hide.

If y'all not together at the time WTF were they thinking? You were gonna save your self for them while they get to run wild? Seems selfish to me.

This seems like a waste of time to me.

Good luck and God bless.

sorry my words are scrambled im pretty distraught idk. when he had ghosted me before i left w his friend, he wrote a song about messing with a girl and it had the lyrics 'baby u should kys idgaf about your mental health' xD ive been trying w this person for 4 years and they have shit on me so many times. lied to me, screamed at me, punching holes in walls over my head over silly stuff like porn. we were kids but it still fucke dme up. i just wish they were ok to me when i really just needed comfort

 

[WadeingThru]

their best friend who is 4 yrs older than me picked me up when i was on drugs and unable to talk, he told me he was ognna drive me around and help me calm down but ended up taking me to his house without saying a word and we cuddled. i didnt want anything with him, i told him that. he tried to force himself on me a few times and i didnt let him. i stayed longer than i should have bc i was suicidal and he was giving me drugs .this all happened when my ex was ghosting me after promising not to abandon me and crying with me in their bed after they had ghosted me for a month before. they told me their mom made them feel shitty because she knew they were all i had. we started taking things seriously again 4 months ago, but around a week ago a mutual friend who also tried to get w me told them eeverything that happened and theyre telling me i lied ontheir dads grave bc i swore i had nothing to hide.

sorry my words are scrambled im pretty distraught idk. when he had ghosted me before i left w his friend, he wrote a song about messing with a girl and it had the lyrics 'baby u should kys idgaf about your mental health' xD ive been trying w this person for 4 years and they have shit on me so many times. lied to me, screamed at me, punching holes in walls over my head over silly stuff like porn. we were kids but it still fucke dme up. i just wish they were ok to me when i really just needed comfort

That's a lot of drama, but sounds like you handled it well. If they don't want to believe the truth, that's on them. Stay away from the dude that tried to take advantage. He's no good.

 

[Lungz]

its really toxic. ive kinda been forcing myself to be with them recently honestly.its strange because im so emotionally dependent ecause of when they came into my life, but i almost cant stand them now for the emotional turmoil they put me through, ontop of everything else

That's a lot of drama, but sounds like you handled it well. If they don't want to believe the truth, that's on them. Stay away from the dude that tried to take advantage. He's no good.

i feel like im putting up a mask around everyone but them, theyre my best friend.