Story Realizing the amount of abuse in my childhood is overwhelming and so hard to even understand

[nevergoodenough91]

My father is a fucking monster

The amount of willful ingnorance and laziness is disgusting and the infinite justifications and rationalizations for why it had to be that way. "Oh this and that" Yeah or you couldve raised your fucking kid.

It is so normal to me in my mind that i am only seeing the tip of the iceberg now and ill likely realize in time that it was horribly abusive and neglectful. I am pushing through though I will heal myself and solve this it is life and death I Will Not Give Up. Unyielding force to solve this. Nothing will disuade me in my mind if I can help it. These fucking people are not human if they were cut they would not bleed. If they were dissected you would see no heart. They have no soul nothing inside of them but an empty numbess and robotic reactivity to thier enviornment.

I realized they (abusers) are the greatest robbers of all time and they take away from you something you cannot sense until its gone, and when its gone you cant remember what it is. I felt it as this great missing piece of life experience that is absent for me, I can see it in other people but I dont know what it is. I could tell something is missing, something is gravely wrong with me and with everything but I didnt know what it is.

Now I know what they took from me, the ability to see human connection and life as anything other than a threat. Everything is flipped and inverted in the disgusting upside down self image they imposed on me, as well as the way they made me view the world and other people. The sheer absense of proper teaching of relationship functions is actually shocking. The impact this has had on my life is beyond unacceptable. With no human connection, no real love, I am left in a world that has no meaning. On top this emotions and vulnerability were shunned so it is an extremely cold and machine like view of humanity I am left with. My dad views human emotions and nautrual expressions as weak, something to make fun of, something to supress and "get over". This was ingrained in me at a very young age. Imagine never opening up to anyone in any real way ever. You never have been seen for who you are ONCE. That is my life.

Ill never let them win.

I cannot even remember what happened minutes ago in the past because I dissociate so hard from everything.



If anyone has anything on how to stop intellectualizing emotions that would be great if you could share


(Tagged as story but I dont know if thats right) I know this is disorganized and whatever but thats how i write. Maybe you can relate to this idk i needed to vent though.

 

[Kit1]

I am so sorry for the cruel, intolerable, degrading and painful cruelty that you were subjected to by a person who should have been one of the two main caregivers in any child's life. Child abuse has to be one of the worst crimes against humanity - to rob the innocence of a child, to manipulate abuse to make it look and feel like the child is at fault and to condition that child to think that their upbringing is normal somehow - despite it being torturous. It is just plain evil.

I hear what you are saying and that shpuld never have happened. It was never your fault - child abuse and all of its associated trauma is never the fault of the child/victim/survivor.

I grew up in an extremely abusive situation during my childhood and trauma is part of my life - resulted in cPTSD and a number of other challenges including disassociating. I do have memory gaps - and struggle.with this as parts of my life go missing.

Writting seems to help sometimes - so does grounding, mindfulness and driving. I also go to therapy which helps a lot though it has been more than an year and I am only just beginning to learn to possibly trust the therapist and she has told me.that we have only about 10 sessions (I think) left due to how NHS therapy service works and offered to refer me to a trauma clinic. Therapy is worth a try. I was on some medication which looks like it might have helped - stopped taking all meds due to a fall out with my GP and I can see that stopping the meds is having a negative impact..,

If you would like to chat, please feel free to message me. Take care.

 

[nevergoodenough91]

I am so sorry for the cruel, intolerable, degrading and painful cruelty that you were subjected to by a person who should have been one of the two main caregivers in any child's life. Child abuse has to be one of the worst crimes against humanity - to rob the innocence of a child, to manipulate abuse to make it look and feel like the child is at fault and to condition that child to think that their upbringing is normal somehow - despite it being torturous. It is just plain evil.

I hear what you are saying and that shpuld never have happened. It was never your fault - child abuse and all of its associated trauma is never the fault of the child/victim/survivor.

I grew up in an extremely abusive situation during my childhood and trauma is part of my life - resulted in cPTSD and a number of other challenges including disassociating. I do have memory gaps - and struggle.with this as parts of my life go missing.

Writting seems to help sometimes - so does grounding, mindfulness and driving. I also go to therapy which helps a lot though it has been more than an year and I am only just beginning to learn to possibly trust the therapist and she has told me.that we have only about 10 sessions (I think) left due to how NHS therapy service works and offered to refer me to a trauma clinic. Therapy is worth a try. I was on some medication which looks like it might have helped - stopped taking all meds due to a fall out with my GP and I can see that stopping the meds is having a negative impact..,

If you would like to chat, please feel free to message me. Take care.

Thank you for your reply I hope things go well with you in therapy while you still have acess to it. I have been writing a lot every single thought that comes to my mind. If I dont it will go away and I may never capture it again because my mind forgets so quickly.