Venting Realizing i can't do it

[LifeSick]

I meant it in a way as if you want to be a happy and positive person i believe the best way to do it is to surround yourself with happy and positive people, depressed people like me will always emit a negative vibe no matter how much help people try to give me, people can try to help me but only if i am willing to accept the change otherwise i will only be dragging others all along to my dark world.

Staying in the site would be a constant reminder of depressive thoughts and suicidal ideation you once had

I understand what you're saying, but the way you put it it seems like happiness and depression are choices we make. Do you mean I should stay away from depressed people who don't want or don't believe they can get better?

 

[Gainax]

help your loved ones anyway you can but don't let them drag you along into their hell and make your life miserable, that's all im saying, but its up to you.

 

[Aris.NecroLight]

Thank you for the support. I can try to help you too if you need.

How long did you take the meds? You mention you felt better when you went off them, but did they ever make you feel better or was it a complete waste of time?

Thanks for the interest in knowing more.

Well, every med gave me a bit of a different effect, one of them pretty hallucinogenic. I think that was the first time I experienced what some people say they experience under the effects of some mental illness. It wasn't terribly bad, but still bad. Most people would think they were going crazy, though (at night, it even felt like something was breaking my mind, going from one corner to the other, but I knew it wasn't my brain). Theoretically speaking I'm mentally ill, but the effects this has on me are very weird. That med I'm talking about made me feel it in a yet another different way.

(So yes, some meds did affect me more significantly, but I was also more messed up at some points.)

As for how long, I've been taking meds since 4 years now. Actually, almost 4 years. At first it wasn't so bad, but now I've become kind of dependant, yes. Without them, I simply cannot sleep (in fact, one time I was able to stay all night awake and almost all day, and I didn't feel sleepy at all... just a bit tired, but I could still take activities) and sometimes my digestive system feels odd. It wasn't like this the first time I left them. I also suffered of not being able to sleep, but I got used to not taking the med fairly fast.

After my second attempt (ctb), I didn't have much of a choice. I was taking meds again, and haven't left them again ever since. Frankly, leaving them completely could make me better. Not like I don't have suicidal ideas already. And doctors usually don't care that much. It's complicated... sometimes I really think I shouldn't be taking meds, but at the same time, I sort of need them. I know something's wrong with me, and maybe meds help a bit... or maybe not. I still think I was far better before my life turned into this, but then again, lots of things changed in my life. I'm much more lonely, don't have any real motivation, etc.

As for trying to help me, thank you, really. I don't think there's much of a chance that I don't ctb, but I guess many things can happen in the time I've given to myself (around 1 year). Whatever the case, I'm still grateful that you volunteer to help me :) .

Also, thanks for wanting to stay here. But it's true that at some point, you may feel too absorbed by that dark vibe. So, if you ever feel like leaving, I think it's alright. Whatever you decide to do in the end, I'm grateful you are willing to stay and not just abandon us (I share a similar perspective on that... I wouldn't like to just go away from the people that are like me). But again, it's alright whatever you decide to do.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

Reminds me of why I used to hold back. For my mom. The hunger for death went away for years.

Now she's dead and it's all the way back. I want out of this. The day she died, I woke up saying I don't want to be here anymore. That was before I got the call that day that she was dead. I don't believe in supernatural bullshit, but somehow it seemed like I sensed she was gone.

 

[LifeSick]

Reminds me of why I used to hold back. For my mom. The hunger for death went away for years.

Now she's dead and it's all the way back. I want out of this. The day she died, I woke up saying I don't want to be here anymore. That was before I got the call that day that she was dead. I don't believe in supernatural bullshit, but somehow it seemed like I sensed she was gone.

I hope I can stop thinking about death for a while too.

 

[Maravillosa]

Reminds me of why I used to hold back. For my mom. The hunger for death went away for years.

Now she's dead and it's all the way back. I want out of this. The day she died, I woke up saying I don't want to be here anymore. That was before I got the call that day that she was dead. I don't believe in supernatural bullshit, but somehow it seemed like I sensed she was gone.

Yes. I am delaying my ctb because of my mom. After she dies (she is 78 and bedridden, so I hope she will not have to suffer much longer -- though she could easily live another 10 years), I intend to put my affairs in order, finish and publish my novel if I have not done so already, and ctb on a landmark birthday of mine (55, 60, 65). I just hope that my ctb and funeral will turn out as I have planned (the hotel room by the beach, full suspension hanging, dressing up elegantly for my ctb, the hymns I intend for my funeral, etc.). I do believe in the supernatural and an afterlife, so I would like to see that my wishes are fulfilled -- even though I suspect that I will be beyond such petty desires

 

[Pastdue]

If it's your first brush with mental illness then you probably should try therapy. If like me you are 25 years in with a chronic incurable mental illness then death is mentally considered a blessing relief, only getting there is the problem.

 

[nzdarkshark]

I know the feeling of not being able to push yourself to really end it - but wanting to end it anyway.
It's scary; but whatever path you decide to take I hope you find peace.

 

[LifeSick]

If it's your first brush with mental illness then you probably should try therapy. If like me you are 25 years in with a chronic incurable mental illness then death is mentally considered a blessing relief, only getting there is the problem.

Thanks for the advice. i'm only 22 and i've been dealing with depression and anxiety for about 8 years i guess. But it only got worse to the point of seriously wanting to ctb a couple of months ago. I'm doing therapy for 4 months now. It's so weird wishing I was just depressed like before and not waking up every single morning wanting to be dead.

 

[worldexploder]

The only thing that stops me from CTB is the lack of proper equipment. I have a very high panic response coupled with a low tolerance for discomfort. Also gotta deal with my self preservation instinct. If I had the Tank or the N, those factors wouldn't play a part.

It's very wise of you to think about to the prospects of failing at an attempt. If we are going to CTB we have to know what we are doing. There is no room for error!

Personally, I welcome nonexistence. Being dead is nothing to fear since only the living are capable of experiencing emotions. None of us had any problems floating around as little clumps of stardust for billions of years. Our problems began at life and will end at death.

It's very commendable of you for wanting to stay by your mother. Alzheimer's is a horrible disease and watching her slow decline must be devastating. We also must keep in mind that is was our mothers that imposed life on us in the first place. We didn't ask for it. We suffer because our mothers decided to carry us to term. Making the choice to end our imposition as adults is fair game. Whoever goes first - you or your mom, someone is going to be crying over a loss.

I can defiantly relate to the frustration of wanting to CTB yet not being able to.

 

[LifeSick]

Personally, I welcome nonexistence. Being dead is nothing to fear since only the living are capable of experiencing emotions. None of us had any problems floating around as little clumps of stardust for billions of years. Our problems began at life and will end at death.

My fear of not existing is pretty paradoxical. I can't explain it. But I might be slowly changing my mind on this subject.

It's very commendable of you for wanting to stay by your mother. Alzheimer's is a horrible disease and watching her slow decline must be devastating. We also must keep in mind that is was our mothers that imposed life on us in the first place. We didn't ask for it. We suffer because our mothers decided to carry us to term. Making the choice to end our imposition as adults is fair game. Whoever goes first - you or your mom, someone is going to be crying over a loss.

Maybe it's not clear, but it's my grandmother whose got Alzheimer's. Anyway, I can't really blame her for having me, it's only natural to want children and if she did not have me I would be deprived of both joy and suffering. As for your last point, I guess it's true, but when my mother dies, I'll be sad but relieved to finally be able to ctb (although I might not want to ctb anymore when this happens, who knows). She will get no relief from my death, only more suffering.