Venting Realizing how disgusting and annoying I am

[catastrophix]

I feel bad venting on here so often, but truthfully I really don't have another outlet to go to.

If I ever had hope that I would someday have a good group of friends and or a partner, that hope is gone. I can barely text anyone back without panicking. No matter how nice they may be, it's like I'm just expecting something bad to happen. To be honest, if I have a chance at recovery, I know that I would need to have people in my life in order to be able to go on, because I really can't go on like this.

I want to be 100% self reliant, but the truth is that I do miss having friends or a partner. It's hard to admit, because I like to paint the picture that I'm perfectly content by myself, but I'm really, really not. I've never really had a healthy romantic relationship so I do often wonder how it would feel to love someone who actually cares about me. I don't know. I feel weak and stupid for feeling this way. This all feels so shameful to admit.

I wish I weren't so fucked up. I wish I would just stop feeling lonely and rely completely on myself.

 

[charlotte_]

It is a totally normal human emotion to want companionship. After all, we are social creatures. I don't think anyone would be able to live a fulfilled life without people to love and people that loves them. Your feelings are totally valid, it's not "fucked up" and not shameful either, it's a really human thing to feel. Same with the vent thing. Venting is also another human need, and this community is built for members to be able to release their pain and receive empathy. It's not your fault really, humans are just born needy creatures lmao.
It seems like you've been hurt a lot by others. I'm really sorry about that. I don't know your situations so no good advices, sadly, but I hope that you will be able to accept your feelings, even if you consider it shameful or negative. I also hope you find the right people you need out there. Wishing you the best!

 

[OceanBlue]

You do deserve to have people in your life, but it will be difficult until you feel loveable and worthy, then the anxiety around those relationships should also reduce.

I saw that all those therapists weren't able to help.. until you find a suitable one, you can try self therapy - try to avoid the title thoughts, treat yourself with more kindness and forgiveness. The shame you mention is also connected to your sense of worth, learn about toxic shame and try some exercises to overcome it. It won't make it worse.

Hope you feel better soon