Story realized I may possibly have experienced some sort of brain damage after attempt

[M.O.N]

saw a thread where someone asked if they possibly had brain damage from a failed attempt and after reading, I'm realizing symptoms I have might be related lol. my last attempt was hanging- 3 years ago and the only memory I have is starting to black out while my face felt hot and bloated, trying to lift my arms, and waking up on the floor with my carpet completely scrunched up. I don't know how long I was unconscious or what time I initially attempted but when I woke up the lighting outside was different so it was longer than a few minutes, at least. after the attempt I had virtually no memory of the weeks leading up, severe and random shaking/twitching in my left hand and eye lasting over a year, minor speech problems (stuttering and experiencing difficulty when trying to pronounce words, like my tongue didn't know what to do when trying to make certain sounds), difficulty chewing, random blinking fits, and a noticeable change in my ability to "feel" my emotions, which I still experience today. strong emotions used to have a physical effect on me but now it's more like I'm understanding them than actually feeling them, if that makes sense. the only one I still "feel" is guilt, it makes me nauseous. I didn't think much of it immediately afterwards as I mostly blocked the attempt from my memory until about a year and a half after the fact. I didn't notice any difference in my thinking pattern or ability to finish class work, was able to keep up my grades, and continued to read and comprehend everything as normal, so I wrote off anything I noticed as a reaction to a traumatic event. I'm sure part of it was, but I still have issues with stuttering and "feeling" emotions, both of which I'd never had any issues with before that attempt. not sure why I never put two and two together but I guess I didn't really think about the possibility of brain damage after failed attempts before being on here lol.

 

[soonatpeace777888]

Sadly, it seems like it might be a possibility. Perhaps see a specialist.

 

[M.O.N]

Sadly, it seems like it might be a possibility. Perhaps see a specialist.

I'm not too bothered by it, I've already adjusted. I'm ctb next year so no use in spending money on a specialist when I could leave it for loved ones haha

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it so horrible how trying to die can go wrong, just leading to damage as a result, ending up in a situation of worse suffering is what I would fear. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[M.O.N]

I find it so horrible how trying to die can go wrong, just leading to damage as a result, ending up in a situation of worse suffering is what I would fear. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

thank you for the kind wishes, I see you in a lot of threads and the compassion you have for others is beautiful. I totally understand your fears. I'm a bit horrified at how poorly it could've ended, looking back. I wish you the best with everything, I hope you find your peace soon <3

 

[grace.michaels.2]

I'm not too bothered by it, I've already adjusted. I'm ctb next year so no use in spending money on a specialist when I could leave it for loved ones haha

thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience! out of curiosity, will you use the same method or are you considering something else?

 

[M.O.N]

thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience! out of curiosity, will you use the same method or are you considering something else?

I'm planning to use SN this time but in the unlikely case that it fails, hanging is my backup. despite personal failure, I still believe it's a good method, just one I should've researched more!

 

[Mauve87]

I'm planning to use SN this time but in the unlikely case that it fails, hanging is my backup. despite personal failure, I still believe it's a good method, just one I should've researched more!

Was your attempt partial or full?
Do you remember what exactly went wrong?
And sorry you don't have to answer if it's too personal. I'm also considering this method but worried about failing

 

[M.O.N]

Was your attempt partial or full?
Do you remember what exactly went wrong?
And sorry you don't have to answer if it's too personal. I'm also considering this method but worried about failing

it's no problem, my attempt was full and I actually made a few mistakes.

1. I used a hook that was originally for supporting a sex swing as my anchoring point and a sturdy scarf as my "rope". the scarf shifted, presumably from my thrashing, and the edge of the hook going into the middle of it + my body weight ripped it.

2. I underestimated how much I would move around after I blacked out. when I woke up, everything around me was knocked over or thrown across the room. like I said, I'm pretty sure this is the reason the scarf shifted.

3. didn't hang high enough, the basket I stood on before kicking was only a foot high and I believe I would've needed more pressure on my neck for a quicker + less painful death. even if the scarf hadn't ripped, I do think it would've been possible for me to shimmy down enough to find my footing if I really tried.

4. didn't have the scarf in the right spot. this was my biggest mistake and one I will definitely not make again. I'm not sure how long I was actually hanging but it felt like forever and was extremely painful and uncomfortable. recently I read a thread on hanging and how to find your CA, and felt my vision start to get spotty in just a few seconds, totally painless and virtually no discomfort. nothing at ALL like previous attempt where I felt blood rush to my face almost immediately, kept feeling like I had to cough but couldn't find the air to, and had a searing pain in my arms and chest. I didn't have any sort of "suffocating" feeling at all after finding the correct spot. making sure you have the right placement will SIGNIFICANTLY reduce any suffering.

there may be more things but some parts of the attempt are lost in my memory unfortunately. most of this is common sense but before SS I didn't have any resources to properly teach me to carry out these methods so I just knew the very basics. after reading hanging threads and testing some things for myself, I'm very confident that if I were to do it again I would succeed. I've timed myself putting pressure on my CA to see about how long it would take me to lose consciousness and it took 34 seconds before I had to stop because I felt like I was about to pass out.

if this is the method you end up choosing, if done correctly, this is a solid one. the advice in the hanging threads is extremely helpful and able to be tested for yourself. I hope this all makes sense but feel free to ask for any clarifications or put out any other questions you have. no matter what, I hope you're able to find peace and contentment on both sides of this life. sending hugs your way.