Venting Reality

[XXXTENTACION]

A brief outline of my situation:
40 years old and in the the UK. Worked as a civil servant as 21 of them, almost 19 in the prison service. Recently let go under medical inefficiency (mental health) and given a little payout. Now here's my dilemma:
I have a mortgage and live pretty comfortably, money isn't going to be an issue despite the lack of employment. Issues being, I don't enjoy a single thing in life, it's all just such a chore that ultimately leads to nothing anyway. I have no family and no interest in having children and find joy in absolutely nothing. How am I supposed to carry on? I've had a CBT plan for years and it's feeling more and more like that is the answer.
Life should be a balance of highs and lows but to me it's just an existence of misery.
Add just to add, time and money don't play a factor. There's just nothing that interests me.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

Did you feel this way before losing your job? I mean the same intensity? It's quite common for people to get very low when experiencing unemployment, particularly if it's a sudden dramatic change and you're sitting around feeling bored and lack of purpose etc. Not saying that would be the only reason, but could be making the feeling much more intense.

 

[XXXTENTACION]

To be absolutely honest I've felt like this for coming up 5 years. The work stuff was just a distraction if anything. It just feels like there's nothing in life now that can "lift me" so to speak. There's no form of employment I'd enjoy, relationships seem impossible because I have zero interest and tolerance for the world, it all just seems so pointless

 

[kouna]

Almost the same thing here. 42, homeowner, waiting for my divorce to be completed and then it's CTB time. No real financial problems.
Like you, I have total anhedonia. Even my favourite sports (UFC and Basketball) don't give me pleasure anymore. Not even sex. I had a fling with a woman last month and even when we were having sex all I could think was how I could CTB, now I keep avoiding her on the phone.
Never wanted to have kids and luckily never had them despite my ~17 year relationship.

Waiting for the divorce is a pain

 

[PI3.14]

If life itself doesn't have issues with it that will cause to be depressed then perhaps you're dealing with pure depression? By pure I mean a depression disorder that isn't influenced by external factors.

I don't know if meds can help you or therapy, but, and I'm here speaking only of myself, I'll be willing to combine therapy and TMS treatment instead of going with antidepressants.

 

[unluckysadness]

I feel you. I'm 43 and it will probably be my last Xmas. I gave life many chances but it didn't work. I sufferred more and more instead and now it's becoming unbearable.

 

[XXXTENTACION]

I feel that brother and have been researching Anhedonia myself. Came across another interesting term called Ennui, worth a read up on.
It's hard because I feel a relationship might be something for me to focus on but as they say, you can put all of that happiness and pleasure solely based onto one person. Plus where the anhedonia/ennui has taken over I don't feel I have anything to "sell myself on" on these dating platforms lol.
What are you interests? Death lol.
Not really a major green flag is it
Just to add:
Those of you that have no family, no partner, no interests, no enjoyment inside and just a general constant low mood of waking up to yet another day of bordom and chored filled days....how do you carry on?
I personally resort to drinking and pharmaceutical drugs to sleep away the days basically erase them from my mind but I know that will only have a limited shelf life. CBT feels like the only way out.

 

[kouna]

I personally resort to drinking and pharmaceutical drugs to sleep away the days basically erase them from my mind but I know that will only have a limited shelf life. CBT feels like the only way out.

I have benzos, quietapines and alcohol available but I fight the urge to take them since I don't want build tolerance since I don't know how long I will be in this state. Alcohol is the best but the problem is the day after.
Today I was so anxious that I couldn't stand it so I took 2 lexotanils to calm me down, which is very rare. If I can't sleep I take a quietapine, if it's early (like today) I prefer a benzo.
Most days, I try to fight mentally and take nothing.

29 Dec I start a new remote job, I'll have 3 weeks of training and then another month of shadowing. This will keep me busy for 8 hours a day so I reckon it's going to be easy to make the day without meds.
Hopefully the divorce will be out in Jan

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

36 here, adult life never started. But somehow it ended.

 

[XXXTENTACION]

36 here, adult life never started. But somehow it ended.

Talk to me bro, private message if you'd rather

I have benzos, quietapines and alcohol available but I fight the urge to take them since I don't want build tolerance since I don't know how long I will be in this state. Alcohol is the best but the problem is the day after.
Today I was so anxious that I couldn't stand it so I took 2 lexotanils to calm me down, which is very rare. If I can't sleep I take a quietapine, if it's early (like today) I prefer a benzo.
Most days, I try to fight mentally and take nothing.

29 Dec I start a new remote job, I'll have 3 weeks of training and then another month of shadowing. This will keep me busy for 8 hours a day so I reckon it's going to be easy to make the day without meds.
Hopefully the divorce will be out in Jan

Never heard of quietapines if im honest, just done a bit of a reading and sounds like a good alternative to the others.
For me it's benzos mixed with alcohol all the way, which every benzos I can get my hands on, which isn't the best idea I admit but heh, what have I got to lose.
So your starting a new remote job, not sounding hypocritical but is a remote job being isolated the best way to go at the moment?

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Talk to me bro, private message if you'd rather

I don't mind posting publicly. I'm an open book. If fact I blather about myself in every thread rather than offer others condolences.

I'm a manchild living at home. My dad's house is nice. In fact, I'm in the hot tub now. I dropped out of college (almost done) about a year after quitting D1 wrestling. The regret has eaten me alive for 15 years. I did menial work in my 20s. Got fired from a solid moving company after a psychotic episode in 2018. Moved home in 2019. Coached high school wrestling since but that's not a job. I burn through my money even with food stamps. Had another psychosis/mania and found God again earlier this year. That gave out at about 6mo. Been in my deepest depression yet since September. I do nothing but the minimum, apartment's a mess (attached to the house). Staying alive for the kids I coach, who despise me anyway, and because I'm afraid of the act and making my family handle the aftermath. Oh, and I'm still lowkey afraid of hell.