Perhaps my reasons are rather queer and peculiar. But I have learned that they are the only constant in my life, albeit one that may disappear and then resurface intermittently, as if entering temporary hibernation.
I do not know what I'm looking for. I feel this palpable yearning for and devotion to something. Something that might have never even been there in the first place. Something that is a chimera. Perhaps even something that is outright impossible. To clarify, I am not religious and don't believe in any sky-daddy whatsoever. One could say that I am austere, but not the lawyerly-down-to-earth kind of austere the opposite of that, and that I am at the same time like a child, just one that never learned what it means to, nor could ever be, childlike in a normal sense.
I spent around a year of my life trying to see what everyone else could see except for me. For the first time in my life, I tried to see value in other people. Their practices. Their concerns. I have realised that there is nothing there. Or at least, nothing that I can detect. I have always felt alienated from everything and everyone, but this experience finally made me realise there was never any realistic chance that interaction with the world and its human denizens could ever solve anything. Proximity to them was never the solution because separation from them was never the problem. I never saw others as an enemy. I did, however, think I had to make an ally out of them to fill the hole. This was naive. They are simply there in the background — sometimes a hindrance, sometimes an aid, but mostly simply resting in the background.
The problem now is, I have no idea what it is that I wanted and I am out of options as to what I could try. I am relatively healthy and financially secure and comfortable. Most people would be happy in my circumstances. But something's missing. I've realised now that I will probably never find it or even just find out what it is. Whatever it is, it seems like it's not something that is in life as it is.
I do not know what I'm looking for. I feel this palpable yearning for and devotion to something. Something that might have never even been there in the first place. Something that is a chimera. Perhaps even something that is outright impossible. To clarify, I am not religious and don't believe in any sky-daddy whatsoever. One could say that I am austere, but not the lawyerly-down-to-earth kind of austere the opposite of that, and that I am at the same time like a child, just one that never learned what it means to, nor could ever be, childlike in a normal sense.
I spent around a year of my life trying to see what everyone else could see except for me. For the first time in my life, I tried to see value in other people. Their practices. Their concerns. I have realised that there is nothing there. Or at least, nothing that I can detect. I have always felt alienated from everything and everyone, but this experience finally made me realise there was never any realistic chance that interaction with the world and its human denizens could ever solve anything. Proximity to them was never the solution because separation from them was never the problem. I never saw others as an enemy. I did, however, think I had to make an ally out of them to fill the hole. This was naive. They are simply there in the background — sometimes a hindrance, sometimes an aid, but mostly simply resting in the background.
The problem now is, I have no idea what it is that I wanted and I am out of options as to what I could try. I am relatively healthy and financially secure and comfortable. Most people would be happy in my circumstances. But something's missing. I've realised now that I will probably never find it or even just find out what it is. Whatever it is, it seems like it's not something that is in life as it is.
