ctbcat
Yes, the everlasting contrast.
- Jul 14, 2023
- 182
will sound like a contradiction, but i don't want it to sound like i'm hurt. i'm not. i'm just wallowing
i guess it's just in your nature to assume every feeling you have is mirrored - that everybody feels the same you do.... but today i kind of realised a whole other perspective.
my favourite person ever doesn't think of me as anything more than an entourage. i'm a new friend in a group that was established yrs ago, it's not like it's unfounded.
if i hadn't met her, i would've been dead a lot sooner before my eventual catalyst that got me back here - meeting her is the only prospect within the last yr that i've been glad to be alive for. but... while i hold that perspective, i've done nothing for her other than spout random exdee humor, most of which that doesn't even land... i mean ZILCH, NADA to her and i don't know why she even hangs around with me, as i've bared quite a few ugly things assuming they were falling on deaf ears (they were in fact, not deaf ears, but just mute lips.)
i feel pathetic, a little.
but also, realising this makes it all easier....
yeah, i do want to be remembered, that's a big hamartia of mine, and i might... do something horrible, to be such, by those that don't know me. but in the mind of those who knew me, who interacted with me alive... i meant very little. they will forget about me, and i kind of want them to, just so i can hold all the resentment and contempt that would come with it. i want to be angry and bitter towards the only people that loved me.
... well, anyway, i'll end this with saying i hope you're having a good morning afternoon night. love u all
i guess it's just in your nature to assume every feeling you have is mirrored - that everybody feels the same you do.... but today i kind of realised a whole other perspective.
my favourite person ever doesn't think of me as anything more than an entourage. i'm a new friend in a group that was established yrs ago, it's not like it's unfounded.
if i hadn't met her, i would've been dead a lot sooner before my eventual catalyst that got me back here - meeting her is the only prospect within the last yr that i've been glad to be alive for. but... while i hold that perspective, i've done nothing for her other than spout random exdee humor, most of which that doesn't even land... i mean ZILCH, NADA to her and i don't know why she even hangs around with me, as i've bared quite a few ugly things assuming they were falling on deaf ears (they were in fact, not deaf ears, but just mute lips.)
i feel pathetic, a little.
but also, realising this makes it all easier....
yeah, i do want to be remembered, that's a big hamartia of mine, and i might... do something horrible, to be such, by those that don't know me. but in the mind of those who knew me, who interacted with me alive... i meant very little. they will forget about me, and i kind of want them to, just so i can hold all the resentment and contempt that would come with it. i want to be angry and bitter towards the only people that loved me.
... well, anyway, i'll end this with saying i hope you're having a good morning afternoon night. love u all
